Daddy Dreams.

I woke up in actual tears this morning.
I dreamt about my dad last night.

Only, he hadn't passed away. He was living far away but was in town visiting. In my dream, though, he didn't tell me he was in town. Somehow, I found out. And my heart sunk when I heard.

Disappointed, again, by my dad.
How could he not tell me?

He was still doing drugs and he was still seeing Kim. He had relapsed and not doing well. He was staying with my Grandpa and I called Gramps in a fuss, trying to talk to my dad. I had never talked to him, in 23 years of my life.

In my dream, I imagined what I might say. How I might act. How HE might act. I remember being upset and sad. I remember being let down. He got on the phone, but I can't remember our conversation.

That happens often when I dream about my dad.
I can never remember the parts of him, specifically.
Just that he was there.

I do remember being let down and disappointed. I remember crying and waiting for him to come over. I remember him not showing. ...and then I woke up. And cried.

Maybe this is how my life would be, if he were still here. Upset and crying. Constantly longing for my dad. And constantly being let down.

Maybe.