Flowriding.

Caden is teaching me to surf.He's WAY better than me.   
But, I'm learning...

Attempt 1.

Attempt 3.

Here is Caden, tearing it up.

Stay tuned, reader.
One day I'll be as good as Caden.

Tub Drawings.

My 10-year-old nephew was in the tub with my fancy new tub crayons.  Caden and I were on the couch, watching Harry Potter.   An hour passed and Braxton called us into the bathroom.  

"Hey guys, look what I drew."     

I labeled it for you, reader.   Just so you could see how stinkin' cute it is.

"Calli and Cadin merig is good."

Don't mind the toilet, but how cute are our lips while we kiss?



Words of Widsom: in Blog Form.

Love this blog post by Stephanie.
Makes me feel semi-normal in my head of questions.

Sandbox.

My life has been like a sandbox.
...play along with this analogy.

My sandbox has been a lot of fun.  I've made sandcastles, I've had moats, I've had a playground full of twists and turns and slides and ladders.   My sandbox kept me pretty dang happy.  Sure, it's just sand but in my mind, I could build castles and I could "dress it up" so people who saw my sandbox would see more than just dirt and sand.

However, lately, my sandbox just isn't enough.   Now I'm realizing that my sandbox really is just dirt and sand.  It's brown and it's boring.   It's dirty and it's full of bugs.  And it's not enough for where I want my life to be.  

So, I'm turning my sandbox into a garden.   I'm taking all the sand and replacing it with rich soil.  I'm taking away the sandcastles I used to disguise my dirt and I'm planting flowers in it's place.    Full and rich and beauitful flowers.    No more sand.  No more castles.  Just my inner beauty.  Just my full garden. 

No more parties. No more drinking. No more swearing. No more castles.
Now, all I want for my garden is pretty things, clean things, pure things.
I don't want any sand in my garden.  I don't want any bugs.
I'm not settling for sand, when I can have a garden.  
I'm not letting my life be mediocre when it can be extraordinary.  

I'm better than sand.
I'm better than a sandcastle.
I deserve a garden.
...and a garden I will have.

Living the Life.

Downloading music for F R E E.

Still in my pajamas and it's 6pm.

Eating funfetti cake for dinner.

I might as well be a rockstar.

Sleeping Beauty.

Caden left my house last night at 12:30.
Before he even got home, I had fallen asleep.

Slept until 11:00am and woke up to a phone call from Caden.
Fell back asleep until another phone call from Caden at 12:30.

Woke up and made a sandwich, played on my iPod. 
Caden came over.

Took a nap with Caden until 3:30.

Here is the dilemma:  Now it's 4:00.  Do I shower and "get ready for the day"  or do I lounge for another 6 hours until it's time for bed again?   

What a rough life.

Father's Day.

Father's day is usually a sad day for me.
I usually spend the day wishing my father were here, angry at the things he did, angry at the life he left, upset at how things ended, and feeling not good enough or loved enough to stick around.  I usually spend majority of the day feeling down, feeling left out, feeling sorry.  I cry and I stew about all the things that aren't in my life.   

This father's day was different.

This father's day I went to lunch with my step-father.  I didn't think about the things he did to our family or the life he chose to live.  We talked about our lives and how things are going.  He listened to me and I listened to him.  It felt warm and inviting and I felt closer to him than I ever have in the 16 years that he was a part of my life.

This father's day I spent the entire day with my Caden.   We went to church and the lesson, of course, was on fathers.   Everything I was being taught filled my heart with happiness.  I learned what an important role Caden is to my future family and I learned how lucky I am to have him a part of my future children's life.  I learned all about his role and how important a father is to a child.    My heart filled with love and with joy knowing that Caden was filling those shoes.  Caden is going to be my husband and the father of my children, and that made this father's day especially important.

This father's day I remember my father and the wonderful man that he is.  I felt closer to him than I ever have, in my entire life.  I was opened to the idea of him being a part of my day.  I felt him in a way that I never have before.  I felt his love, I felt his warmth, I felt his kindness, I felt his support.   He was a part of my day and he always has been.  He's been prying for me to let him in for 24 years, and this father's day I did.    No longer do I feel angry or hurt.  No longer am I mad or upset.  No longer do I feel the victim.    

Now, I feel like the luckiest daughter in the world.  I have my dad with me at all times, in all places, in all things.  I can call on him and he can be there, no matter what the circumstance.   My dad is there to help make decisions and to open my heart to possibilities.  And that's the best father's day present a girl could ever ask for. 

God bless, to all the fathers.  

To my father.  To my step-father.  And to my future children's father.    

Thank you for being a part of my life.   

Plans for Today.

Headed to S E V E N peaks, ya'll.
Miss me while I'm gone.
Be jealous. 

Indian Food.

I wanted to make it a goal of mine to blog more often.   Every day was my original goal, but let's not get to crazy.  Eh?   Remember when I worked at the bank and I blogged daily?  Yeah, that was cool.  Let's go back to that.  

All this post is going to be about is Indian food, because it's incredible.  

Why have I never tried this before?  Honestly.  
And why, the first time I ever tried it, why did I only get rice?!

Ahhh, Indian food.   Rice on bread, dipped in sauce.  

H E A V E N.

Impact Poem.

Background Story:  I read this poem at my impact graduation on Saturday.
Thought I better post it here so I had somewhere to save it.  

I came to impact with a heart full of mad,
exhausted from carrying the baggage I had.
Tired of telling myself it was all okay,
and afraid to share for fear of what I might say.
Not knowing what to expect or where to begin,
Not sure I was willing to let anyone in.
Not willing to open and allowing me to let go,
Not wanting to let all of that anger show.
I had hidden my past in the cupboard so high,
that I thought it was gone and removed from my eye.
but as you all began to share so open and free,
I saw a light inside brighter than me.
I felt safe and secure, I felt ready and time,
I'm going to open my cupboard and see what I find.
I unlocked the door and my heart spilled out,
I didn't worry about scared, shame or doubt.
You all listened to my story as I listened to me,
and I allowed myself not to hide behind a wall that you see.
So I stand here today so clean and so pure,
so confident in myself, so proud and assured.
Excited about life and where it may lead,
for the wolf of love is the only wolf that I feed.

Impact.

Hey blog land.
Where you been?

The past four days I've been in a training. A crazy, life-changing, weight lifting training. It's called impact. Heard of it?

The idea is to attend and let go of your past and the feelings you've been holding onto, whether it be bad, awful, terrible or ugly. Then, you rebuild yourself into a better and more positive human being.

Since Wednesday I've: met some wonderful people, heard some inspiring stories, opened up, broke down my walls, saw my past and wasn't afraid of it, let go, allowed myself to feel those feelings that I've been surpressing, and really truly let go of my baggage.

I no longer see myself as a victim. I no longer feel like I MUST please everyone and everything. That's a big, big, big deal for me. And I feel like just I took off this huge bookbag full of crap and mush and guck that I've been carrying for 24 years.

SO refreshing.

Now, blogland, I'm not one to preach or to sell. But, if you have something heavy weighing on your mind, or if you feel like you need something more to life, impact is an excellent resource for that. Here is the website if you're interested. ...and if you're from Utah, you're lucky. Impact is the only one of it's kind in the entire world, and it's located right here in South Salt Lake. B O N U S.

End rant.

Praying.

I'm a praying kind-of-girl.     I try to say my prayers every night and me and god talk about my day.   It helps me remember what I'm grateful for and it helps keep me in line of the things that are important.    

 

Last night, Caden and I prayed together.

 

As I folded my arms, the sweetest and best prayer I ever heard came out of his lips.   As I muttered "amen", tears rolled down my face.  I felt safe and I felt secure.  I felt loved and I felt accepted.   

 

I usually feel good after a prayer,

but never ever have I felt like that. 

I love having a boyfriend who prays.

And it's even better having a boyfriend who prayers with me.

 

I could definitely get used to this.

WARNING: Mushy Gooshy.

I've always thought those couples were crazy who get married after such a short time.   Those people who date, and fall in love and get married instantly because they "claim" to be in love.

Pot calling the kettle black.

Three months later and my heart is 100% Caden's.   I can't imagine my life without this boy.   I don't think I could handpick a husband better than my Caden.   He's everything I've ever wanted or needed in my entire life and I can't believe that he picked me.   

I'm spending the rest of my life with him.
That means: adventures, late night talks, back tickles and hair tickles, singing in the car, dancing in the kitchen, homemade meals and salsa, lots and lots of ice cream and Zeppes, good dance moves, loud random outburts, laughing until my cheeks hurt, learning new things, long boarding until the sun goes down, and unconditional love and support in absolutely everything that I do.

He takes such amazing care of me.   He's always looking out for me and helping me in whatever I need.   I never once open my own door.  He never forgets to tell me how pretty I am or how special I am.   He holds me at all times.  He always checks on me to be sure I'm okay and asks me if I need anything.   He's thoughtful.  He's caring.  He's absolutely incredible.

...and he's mine.

I can't even believe it.

Just thinking about it makes me cry and my heart feels like it could explode at any minute.  
AND,  I love him.    

That's all.

St. George.

Woah.

My computer had some sort of nasty virus and I haven't been able to blog for what feels like fifteen years. I feel like I've missed out on so much.  

Until I can find some blogging mojo, here is a little sneaky peak.

Caden and his family took me to St. George the past three days and spoiled me rotten.  




Here's proof.

Best trip ever.

Our plans got a little screwed when they cancelled the play we drove down to see.   But, I wouldn't change it for the world.  Three solid days with Caden is more than perfect.   

I'm too lucky.