Mormonism.

I've struggled with the LDS faith my entire life.
All 24 years.

I grew up in a non-religious family.  When I was young, my parents were active.  My dad got into some drugs and was ex-communicated.  My mom stayed active and attended all the lessons.   Eventually, she decided to be sealed to her three young girls.   She went to her bishop and explained her request.   Denied.   She was told she wasn't allowed to be sealed without the priesthood in our home.   After that day, she stopped going to church.

When I was in elementary school, my friends were all active.  The neighborhood kids all attended church and had fun activities and events that I wanted to be a part of.  I put on a skirt and walked to church each Sunday morning with my best friend.   I wasn't sure what was being taught and I didn't understand much of the lesson.  I knew about Jesus but the rest was over my head.  I remember having a lot of fun at church, though, but feeling out of place and very behind.   I was confused and uncomfortable. 

When I was in high school, dating became a big part of my life.  Most of the people asking me on dates were Mormon.  I was still curious about the religion and I wanted to learn more.  I signed up for seminary and I attended faithfully all three years.  I learned, I read my scriptures and I prayed for answers.   I liked a lot of the things the church had to offer and there were some really great things and ideas the church was doing for the community.   

One day during seminary, we discussed homosexuality.   The class discussion did not go well and I left feeling very offended.  I teared up during class, I felt assaulted and ridiculed.  I felt hurt and embarrassed.  I felt exposed and vulnerable.   I felt awful.   I wrote a letter to my seminary teacher and described how I was feeling, he apologized and the next day of class the lecture was handled in a completely different manner.   I left feeling better, but still upset and unsure.

After graduating, I dated a mormon for 2 years.  We talked a lot about marriage and what we wanted.  I was toying with the idea of a temple marriage and if that was something I wanted.  Of course I would love to be with my family in the after life, but my family includes my parents and siblings, not just a husband and children.  My parents are divorced and not sealed in the temple.  My sister is gay.   Neither option allows for a temple sealing.   Neither option allows for me to be with my family for time and all eternity, according the the LDS faith. 

Now, 24 years old, and I'm not a Mormon. 

I don't believe in the Mormon religion and

I don't believe in the things that are taught.  

Dating has been a huge struggle for me and I feel frustrated and discouraged.   I'm a girl of morals and standards, goals and dreams.  I'm confident, proud and accepting.  I'm close with my family and open hearted.  However, I'm turned away and not given the opportunity because I'm not a Mormon.   I'm pushed aside because I don't believe.   

I feel discouraged.

Hurt.

Ashamed.

Upset.

I feel not good enough because I'm not Mormon.
..and I don't think God would like it that way.

Dancing with Ma.

Oldest sister and I took our mom to the country bar.

We made her learn all of the line dances.

AND, AND!  She danced with a cowboy.

Ohhh, I'm so proud.

Festival of Colors.

The Festival of Colors.

Have you heard of this? 

You go to this Indian temple and they give you a bunch of chalk.

They count down from 10, and then you throw it at each other.

Sounds ridiculous, but ridiculously fun.

The tradition is: throwing of the chalk is symbolic to letting go of your worries and cares.   The colors represent bringing on the new season of Spring.   
And, I'll be the first to tell you, chalk in the face has definitely made me feel liberated and free.

P.S.  That pink and purple guy pictured with me above,
that's Mashed Potato boy.   

Versatile Blogger.

Time to brag, friends.

Look what just came through my news feed.

Thank you, Estelle.

I feel super excited and grateful.

Plus, I'm more than thrilled that you credited me for
"Estelle's Guide to Nursing School".

We might as well be soul mates.

Love you.
Love your blog.
Love my new award.

Thank you.

Blog Makeover, part 2.

 

Much better.
Me likey.

Day 21: My Favorite Show.

The Bachelor.

Big Brother.

Ruby.

Sister Wives.

...basically any reality show, and basically anything that involves people hooking up and falling in love.   I'm an addict to reality shows, and I may or may not have tried out to be on a few of these shows.   

A D D I C T.

Day 20: How Important is Education.

This post seems slightly obvious, just a titch.

I love my education and I hold it in a very high standard. 

As a young girl, when my friends were envisioning their wedding day and their future family, I was picturing myself in a cap and gown. Graduation is more important to me than anything else, including my wedding day.  

Education is what helps me grow, makes me feel like I'm growing as a person.  I feel accomplished and excited. Its what keeps me going.  Education is my pride and joy, my one true love, my everything.  

Yes, I'm going to be one of those people who goes to school for hundreds of years.  And yes, I am okay with that.    Maybe more than okay with, I'm super excited about it.

Yes, I'm geeky.
I'm very aware. 

Mashed Potatoes, part 2.

'member Mashed Potato boy?

Well, we are now friends.
His name is Caden and he's super cute.

Turns out, he would like to get his phD in Virology.
Bow-chicka-wow-wow.  Super yummy.
Who knew someone so handsome, could also be so geeky and smart?
Delish.

On a side note, 
 yesterday he taught me how to drive a stick shift.

Big day for me, friends.

BIG, BIG day.

And, AND!

He's making me a long board.

MAKING me one.

Yep, I'm pretty close to love.

......jokes.

Following the Leader.

Hey, Larissa.
Welcome to my lil' blog.
Ü

The Name Game.

Have you seen this Urban Dictionary idea floating around blog space?
Supposed to go to Urban Dictionary and type your name and smile at the great things it says about you.   Welp, all my definitions are completely wrong for me.   I think I did it wrong.

1.   adj: amazing, cool, funny, great, fun times, hilarious, silly, cute, nice, sweet, unique, great to hang out with. In many cases, there are more words to describe... but you get the idea

 Well, that one is mostly true.

2.  An amazing hot, delicious person who everyone loves. sometimes a Daddy's girl, and has brown hair and eyes. usually but not always called a slut. has a big booty.

 I'm definitely NOT a Daddy's girl, my eyes are blue, and I have no booty.

3.  An amazing friend. She is honest and caring and nice. She never backs down in a fight, and is very pretty.

I back down from EVERY fight, mostly because I hate to fight.

4. A really hot girl that's about 5ft 7. Great rack (C-cup) with great bust. Nice big ass and she loves to flaunt it. 2 things in the world she loves, Boys and Dogs, especially boys. Brown eyes and brown hair and legs that go on forever.

Again, I have no ass and blue eyes.

I definitely messed up.

Blog Makeover.

Welp, here it is.

..little immature for my liking.
Kind of looks like I'm in jr. high instead of 24 years old.

But, it's different.
and different is good.

Following the Leader.

Thank you, Cheyenne, for following.
...and also, thank you for making my following list a solid 50. 
It's been at 49 for quite some time and making me absolutely bonkers.   

Word Slips.

Me:  "...yeah, I'm a super big loner.  

I like to spend a lot of time just home.  I'm border line hobbit."

Charge Nurse:  "You mean, hermit?"

Me: "Yes. Exactly."

Lent.

In honor of lent, I'm giving up swearing.

40 days and 40 nights of:

Crap.

Shoot.

Fiddle-Sticks.

Hellicopter. 

Darn. 

Dog-nabbit.

and Butthead.

Wish me luck.



Swimming in Nursing School.

Nursing school can be described in a simple analogy.

Nursing is like swimming.

At first, I was thrilled about it.  I love swimming.  I got my swimsuit on, I had my sunscreen applied.  I wore my goggles and my floaties.  Totally ready.

Dipped my little foot in the water.  Cold, but super tempting.  So, I dove in head first.  Splashed around. Got my hair wet.  Loved every single second of it.

After some time, someone turned on the waves.  Things got rocky and unsteady.  But, it was okay.  I know how to swim.  So, I started doggy paddle.   I'm keeping my head above water and I'm doing alright.  Not even worried about it, I'm totally prepared.

But now, I'm tired.  The doggy paddle can only get me so far.  My head is still above water, but from time to time a wave hits me and spins me out of control.  I'm upside down and cricked.  I can't tell which was is up.   I'm spinning in a whirlpool. 

This week, though,  this Thursday and Friday, someone has thrown me a life vest.  I caught a break.   I'm breathing free.  The waves have settled and I have found my footing.   I'm relaxed.  I'm calm.  I'm catching my breath.  I feel like all is okay again.

Take a breather.

Dry off.

Re-apply the sunscreen.

and dive back in.

This time, with a cannon ball.

Date Night at Starbucks with an Old Fart Listening.

Just got home from studying at Starbucks.
Home away from home, that place.

Young little boy and girl walked in awkward as can be.  It's obvious they are on their first date.  She's using her fake high pitch voice, he's being super polite and asking all sorts of questions.  I can hear everything.

I really felt akward just listening.  I can't imagine being on the actual date.  They resorted to "The Favorites Game".   He was trying super hard to make conversation and she just wasn't having it.

Him: Okay, tell me about school.

Her: School is okay. I like it.

Him: What about work? Where do you work?

Her:  I only had one job, but now I just go to school.

Him: Oh, that's cool. Where did you work?

Her: Taco Time.

Hiim:  Oh.  Uhhh, what kind of food do you like?

Her: All kinds.

Him: Uhhhh, what's your favorite dessert?

Dessert? Really?  You don't really care about her favorite dessert.  And to be honest, you probably don't care where she went to school or where she is working.  All you care about is hopefully getting a smooch from this young, cute, completely innocent girl.   That's it.  So, tell her that.   Maybe she'll smooch you and we can avoid the awkwardness of this entire date.  And I can focus my attention back to studying neonatal complications. 

p.s.  He asked when she graduated.  Her response "2010".   TWENTY-TEN.   All the sudden I felt 100 years old, and even older knowing I have a birthday in just 3 weeks.

p.p.s.  Three weeks, people.  Let's formulate a birthday plan.  ASAP.

Riddle Me This.

Learning about urinary incontinence and suddenly I can't pee well.

Bladder infection or hypochondriac?  You decide.

Day 19: Disrespecting my Parents.

N E V E R.
Never ever.
No way.

My mom has this things I call "angry eyes" and they are super wicked scary.  I hate when she shows them.   I don't ever want to piss her off or make her unhappy.  It gives me nightmares. 

Plus, I dig my mom.  She's been an excellent parent and given me just the right amount of discipline with just the right amount of choice.  I felt I was able to choose most things for myself without a lot of pressure or push.  She helped me when I needed and she let me fall and skin my knees when appropriate.  I have no reason to disrespect her, ever.

Obviously I pushed the envelope from time to time.  That's what kids do.   But, I definitely learned my lesson.  She punished me and I probably cried, but I learned.  And that's what big girls do; they learn.

As far as my step-dad is concerned, that was a bit of a struggle.  He is an ex-marine.  He was hard on us.  We had rules and sometimes they were silly rules.  I didn't always listen because I didn't always agree.   We had rules about parking spots, wearing heels in the house, leaving my window open at night, chewing with my mouth open, stirring my cereal, talking during his TV shows.  Silly things.   I tried to listen and I tried to follow the rules, but if I don't agree with something, it's difficult.  

For the most part, I would say I listened.   I obeyed.  I did as I was told.
But 100% of the time, I respected my parents. 
Both of them.

I love them both.
I listen to them both.
...and they both have a huge impact on my life.

Recharging the Batteries.

I'm a people pleaser.  I have been my whole life, and usually it's convenient.  People tend to be nice to me when I'm nice to them.  Things tend to go smoothly when I can sugar coat things and make people happy.   

But, sometimes, people pleasing can be a nasty thing.
Like recently.

I was feeling drained and yucky.  I was living day to day and not doing much of anything that made me happy. I was worrying about making time for people who weren't really a necessity in my mind.  Trying to squeeze time in to see them, just to make them happy.  When in reality, all it was doing was stressing me out.  

"Okay, if I don't eat dinner and just read one chapter instead of two,

I will have time to stop by so-and-so's house to say 'hey' like they wanted."  

Well, great.   Now I'm not eating healthy, I'm not studying like I should and I'm not even excited to see so-and-so.  

This is when people pleasing can be a terrible thing.

So, I'm forcing myself to do things that I like to do.
I've turned my phone off and left it at home while I'm out.
I'm not texting or calling anyone, besides family.
...already feels so refreshing and it's only day two.

Yesterday, I went to bed early and woke up early.  Had time to make a good breakfast and pack a decent lunch.  Took excellent notes in class because I wasn't distracted with texting and facebook.  Came home for lunch with my mom, grandma and sister.  Went to the library to read a chapter, make a presentation, and memorize 37 words.  Then, watched Bachelor with my mom and sister.

Yes.  That's my kind of perfect day.
I feel great. Awesome. Amazing.
Refreshed and Recharged.

I feel like me.
Which I love.