Tired Momma.

Caden has been going to school our entire relationship.   All 6 years of it.

And he's been working graves for as long as we've had kids.   All (almost) 4 years.  

The end of that is SO close.   And yet, still seems so far away.   

I'm ready for him to be home.  With me.  With the girls.   Without homework.  And without having to nap or sleep when we are awake. 

Right now, he sleeps in his car Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.   He only sleeps a few hours at a time before he has to wake up again to go to school or work.   Graveyards at night, school in the morning, and back to graveyards at night.   He leaves Wednesday morning and I don't see him again until Saturday afternoon.

It's horrible.   

It's hard on him.   

Hard on me.

Hard on the girls.

And I can't WAIT for it to be over.  

I can't wait to have dinners together, wake up together, go to bed together.   I can't wait to have Dad home to help with morning routines, or tuck ins at bedtime.   Or time to play without any other obligations.  

Weekends are the very best.   

The VERY best.   

Caden is home and he's so very helpful.   The girls love having him around.   He plays, he's silly, he rough houses with the girls.  He helps clean the house, he cooks dinner, he helps with bath time, nap time, bed time.   He takes me on dates, he hugs me, cuddles me, holds me.   

It's THE best.  

And soon enough, that will be EVERY day.   

And I CANNOT wait.  

...until then, we continue with this bogus routine we have.   And we make it work.  

Impatiently waiting.  

AA Emotions.

My heart is full tonight.

I attended an AA meeting with my sister to celebrate her 30 days sobriety.   I didn't know she was an alcoholic until a few months ago, when she came to my mom in desire attempt for help.  To see her tonight sober was amazing, but what's more amazing is to see her proud of herself.   I have seen her down and depressed, and it's not the way you hope to see your big sister.    Tonight she had a light about her that made me so proud and I pray she continues on the path of sobriety.

My Dad was an alcoholic and an addict.   For years and years.   He ended his trial in suicide, leaving behind a single mom and 3 small children.   I am glad Cass has chose to turn right when Dad turned left.

After the meeting, I spoke with my mom about her life as the wife of an alcoholic and an addict.   I can't comprehend the strength and courage that takes, to stay with a spouse and try to raise a family but living in fear.   My mom talks about being afraid to leave us girls with dad, or trusting dad with money or car keys.   She feared us going to school because drug dealers threatened to harm her kids if Dad didn't pay his drug bill.  

This life doesn't seem like MY life.  I can't comprehend these things happening to my own family.

Addiction is real, and it's scary.   It can happen to anyone at any time and that's terrifying.   I felt so many emotions tonight at the AA meeting, and I was touched by so many amazing hearts.    AA is such a great support system and I dream of living in a world where that love and support is everywhere.   I felt so accepted, without any judgments or fears.   It's a safe zone to share and to be open and honest, and I pray we can all learn to be that accepting and loving of one another in our raw forms.

I'm proud of my sister, and I am so grateful that she has chosen to get help.  She deserves a life worth living because she is truly amazing.  

My Faith in the Book of Mormon

Although I grew up inactive, the Book of Mormon has always been a part of my life.  I was baptized at age 8, where I received my first copy.  It sat atop my closet, not really touched or read.  

I attended church sporadically, mostly with friends and socially.  Once I turned 12, my Young Women’s leader brought over another Book of Mormon.  She left it on my doorstep and when I opened it, it had her testimony inside.  I remember thinking how sweet it was that she had taken the time to write her testimony inside and how great it was that she had brought me over another Book of Mormon to add to my collection.

In High School, I signed up for seminary with other friends of mine, and watched them as they opened their scriptures that were highlighted and marked and referenced.  I was envious of their worn scriptures as I looked at mine, still brightly shining and smelling new.   As I started dating, I met an active boy who was preparing for a mission.  We wrote his entire mission and he would send me care packages from Germany.  Inside one care package, was another Book of Mormon.  This one also had his testimony written inside, but also highlighted scriptures—just like the girls in seminary.  He had taken the time to reference scriptures and bookmark his favorites.   And there it sat, atop my closet next to my collection. Occasionally I would take them down, flip through them and try to understand what I was reading.  But, not really absorbing what I had read or understanding what any of it meant.  I couldn’t understand how members read scriptures daily, or how they studied them, or what it was that I, personally, needed to learn.

President Gordon B. Hinckley (1910–2008) made this promise to you: “Here you are on the threshold of your mature lives. You … worry about school. You worry about marriage. You worry about many things. I make you a promise that God will not forsake you if you will walk in His paths with the guidance of His commandments.” 

So I read and then I stopped.  And I read, and then I stopped.  And I struggled with the material, and I was unsure of what I was reading.   And I now know what it was I was missing---Faith.   Faith in the Book of Mormon and the faith that it is true.  

Elder Todd Christofferson is quoted as saying “The central purpose of all scripture is to fill our souls with faith in God the Father and in His Son, Jesus Christ.

But what is faith?  And how does one GAIN faith?

Elder Quinton L Cook gave a talk in 2008 “Strengthening Faith as You Seek Knowledge”.  

He breaks down Faith into 5  steps.

1. Understand that their truly is opposition in all things.  

The choices you make are critical.

Prior to meeting Caden, I didn’t have much direction in life.  I knew I wanted to be a nurse and how I was going to do that.  However, I had no eternal plan.   I made choices that affect me eternal salvation frequently. 

As Caden and I got closer, and we talked more seriously about marriage and our relationship goals, we realized how important it was to both of us that we had an eternal family.  I wanted my children to have the gospel not just be a part of their lives, but to completely consume them.  I wanted to live a life that completely encompassed the gospel. 

But, how do we get there? Where do we start? 

2. Strenghten your testimony as a foundation for all the choices you make.

I met with my YSA bishop and I got to work.  We discussed my personal goals, and the goals of Caden and I together.   And his advice to me was simple: Read your scriptures, Say daily prayer, and attend all your meetings.  Scriptures. There it was again.  But, I had tried this before and it didn’t work.   I decided to give it another try.  I pulled down the scriptures hiding in my closet and opened to the first page.  I began reading just a verse a day and then a chapter a day.  It felt different than the first time, and I understood more than I had before.  My faith had already grown in just a few short months, and I could feel the difference once I began to read.

3. Seek knowledge diligiently, wisely and humbly.

I began asking more questions and getting more answers. I started saying daily prayer before I would read, and finish with a night prayer to help me remember the things I had learned.  I became hungry for knowledge and wanted to absorb as much as I could.  Caden and I took a seminary class together at Weber State, and we attended a Family and Relations class through his home ward.  The more I attended, the more answers I got.  My faith now was real and it was constant.  I was receiving answers to prayers, direction in my life and guidance as to what the next step would be.  

As we continued our scripture study, we learned to grow as a couple.  Caden would text me versus he read that night and I would respond with what it meant to me personally.  He would send his interpretation. We not only grew as a couple, but our testimony had grown exponentially in just a few short months.   It was FAITH that kept us reading, and FAITH that helped us towards our goals of an eternal marriage and a forever family. 

Caden and I finished the Book of Mormon together the night before we were scheduled to be sealed for time and all eternity.

4. Follow your prophet as you make your choices.

So, we finished the Book of Mormon.   But, scripture study is not over.  Elder Cook suggests we Follow the Prophet to strengthen our faith and what better way to follow the prophet than to study his current revelation by reading the ensign and listening to conference.  As a Mom of two little girls, life gets hectic. So, a great way for me to study the scriptures is to listen to a conference talk in the mornings as I get ready.  

Joseph Fielding Smith: “When one of the brethren stands before a congregation of the people today, and the inspiration of the Lord is upon him, he speaks that which the Lord would have him speak. It is just as much scripture as anything you will find written in any of these records, and yet we call these the standard works of the Church… the word of the Lord, as spoken by other servant,  is just as much the word of the Lord as the writings and the words of other prophets in other dispensations” 

5. Live so the atonement can fully efficacious in your life.

Flash forward 4 years, and we now have a beautiful growing family. My faith in the scriptures is strong and ever growing.  My faith in the gospel is solid and continues to be solid.   We have two children who have been born into the covenant and are sealed to us for time and all eternity.  I have a husband who holds the priesthood and the knowledge and strength that brings to our family. And I have a love for my savior, for the gospel and for my ever-growing testimony.   And I have a love for the scriptures, for modern day prophets and for this church.  

Isan S. Arden is quoted from the Ensign saying:   “As we engage with God in sincere prayer, read and study each day from the scriptures, ponder on what we have read and felt, and then apply and live the lessons learned, we draw nearer to Him.

God’s promise is that as we seek diligently from the best books,

 ‘[He] shall give unto [us] knowledge by his Holy Spirit’

I understand, now, why reading was so difficult in highschool, and prior to meeting my Caden and becoming active again in the church. At that time, I wasn’t living the gospel, I didn’t have the spirit with me and I hadn’t said any prayers.  I was reading the Book of Mormon in the way I read Harry Potter.  Page by Page with no pondering and no faith that what I was reading was true.  With no FAITH.

I knew how to read the scriptures, page by page and line by line.  But, I didn’t know how to really study the scriptures.  

So, how do you do it? Where do you start? 

Step 1—Make a commitment.   Like picking up a book of Harry Potter, I had agreed to read the Book of Mormon.  I didn’t know how much I was going to read, or how often, but I had committed to reading the entire thing.  

Step 2—Start Where You Are.   Coming from an inactive home, with no family home evening and no regular church attendance, I didn’t have a solid foundation in the church.  I didn’t grow up knowing the Book of Mormon stories and I was literally starting from basics.  And that’s okay.  I was starting from ground zero, but it was a start.  

Step 3—Pray and Seek the Spirit.   Reading cover to cover doesn’t help and I didn’t learn anything without the spirit with me.  I needed to pray, I needed the spirit to guide my path and to help me understand what it was that I was reading. 

Step 4—Set Goals.   I started with just a verse a day, then a chapter, and then I was reading more than a chapter at a time.  It was a slow start, and sometimes I had to read and re-read and read again, but I was setting goals to read the Book of Mormon and I wanted to achieve it.

Step 5—Personal Application.   I learned personal application best through seminary.  I had an amazing seminary teacher who wouldn’t just teach us Book of Mormon stories, but who would than apply it to my current life.  It is amazing to me that one story can apply to me as a pre-teen, then later again as a high school student, then later again as a newlywed and then later again as a mom of two children.   The story is the same, but it means something a little different each time I read it.

 

Step 6---Take Notes.    I think back often to the girls in my seminary class and their Book of Mormons full of color and highlights.  It was a symbol of really diving into the scriptures, to absorb the stories and to learn from them.  Taking notes is a great way to remember what the sprit was testifying at the time of reading, or what was learned or felt in that moments.

And again, the last step.  Step 7—Have Faith.   This is the step I was missing from the beginning, the step I wasn’t sure how to obtain. Have faith that the scriptures are true.  That the spirit is truly testifying of its truthfulness and that we can truly rely on the gospel.

(True to the Faith: A Gospel Reference [2004], 54). “Having faith in Jesus Christ means relying completely on Him—trusting in His infinite power, intelligence, and love. It includes believing His teachings. It means believing that even though you do not understand all things, He does. … He is always ready to help you as you remember His plea: ‘Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not

I don’t always understand all things that I read, that I study or that I learn from the Book of Mormon.  But, HE does.   He is always ready to help us and to teach us and to help us draw nearer to him. I am grateful for FAITH—when I don’t understand all things or I can’t comprehend, I am grateful for the faith that what I am reading is true.  I am grateful for the Book of Mormon, for my ever growing testimony and for my faith in our Lord and Savior.  I’m grateful for my amazing husband who continues to help me learn and helps me grow, and I’m grateful for my beautiful children who are a constant reminder to me of what Heavenly Father must feel for all his children.   

I love this church and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. 

Pride 2016.

Pride weekend always makes me reflect and ponder.

Such a touchy and emotional subject for me--the converse between the LGBT community and the LDS community.   

And my heart lies smack dab in the middle. My sister is gay, and I am an active member of the LDS faith.   

But, each year that I ponder this topic, each year I am a little bit more proud of the huge leaps of acceptance that I see from both sides of the spectrum.

I recently joined a Facebook group called Mormons Building Bridges and I am so happy to see the amazing hearts of LDS members who love the LGBT community.   And members of the LGBT community who still believe and practice the LDS faith.  

It's so beautiful, so inspiring, so amazing.

THIS is what heaven is like, in my world.  People accepting others, people loving others and people being kind to others.  

This last Spring I blessed my daughter in church, and my sister showed up with her girlfriend.   It made my heart melt and so grateful to have her there to support us, despite her different beliefs.  I had Ward members come up to me after to tell me how amazing my family is for accepting one another, and it makes me so grateful. 

Love is love and being kind to one another is the most important rule that Heavenly Father wants us to learn.   And I am so grateful and happy to see us all getting a little bit closer and a little bit more accepting of everyone. 

❤️

Oakley Blessing: Feeling So Loved.

Last Sunday we blessed Oakley Rae.  It was a very emotional day for me.

For the first time, in my entire life, my whole family was in the chapel together.   It was an overwhelming feeling of love, acceptance, and support. 

 My mom isn't active, my oldest sister isn't either, and my middle sister had her records removed from the church.   But, on Sunday, they put their beliefs aside and came to church to support my daughter and that meant so much to me.

 So so much.  

 As soon as I walked into the chapel, I turned to my left and saw all of my family sitting in the pews and I immediately started bawling.  To my right were my in-laws, who have been so supportive of my past and helped my testimony grow in ways I never thought possible.   And right beside me were my two best friends, my Caden and my Janelle.  These two have been my rocks through this entire transition. 

I have never felt more love or more support from all those I love.   

Family means so much to me, and I am so grateful for a family who is so diverse and yet so incredibly supportive of one another.   

I pray my girls can learn to be just as accepting of others and can learn to love those with different beliefs or lifestyles.  

Because, honestly, the world is about loving one another and learning to be kind.   

And Sunday, I felt the most love I have ever felt from all those who mean the most to me.

Bonding over Selfies.

I come from a family who isn't active in the church.  Growing up, our idea of entertainment was drinking wine or playing beer pong.   I went to the bar with my mom and sisters on the weekends and every holiday involved drinking. 

That's still true to this day.   Only, I'm the only one who doesn't drink. I don't go to bars, and I don't like to party.

So, that significantly decreases my social time with my family.  And it's REALLY hard for me.   

I love being with my family and I love to spend time with them.  I don't get invited to the bar, or the parties, or the wild nights because they know that I'm not interested in that anymore.   But, I'm still very interested in being with them.

Just last weekend I saw pictures of the together on Facebook and started crying. 

It's hard having a different lifestyle. 

And I hate feeling left out.   

And I miss that bonding time. 

I feel like I have to pick my beliefs or my family. (I know that's not the case, but that's how my emotions make me feel.) I constantly feel torn, and at a battle with my old lifestyle and my new.   

It's hard.

And it's emotional.

I would never change my family and the lifestyle they've chosen.  It's who they are, and they are wonderful people.   I would also never change the lifestyle I have chose and the decisions I have made because it's made me the happiest I have ever been.  

I just wish I could find a better way to make the two co-exist. 

Because right now, it's harder than it should be. 

Bleh.

My emotions seem so hard on on edge at all times lately.  I feel like my world is constantly changing, things are unsteady and chaos is permanent.  

Adjusting to two children has hit me harder than I thought it might.   My husband is gone more than he is home.  My siblings and mother are in constant trouble surrounded by heartaches and hecticness.  My in-laws are experiencing an upcoming marriage and soon-to-be missionary.  

I feel like everywhere I go is chaotic and I'm searching for a calm.  

I hate when my husband is gone.   

I hate that I am struggling juggling two children and I want it to be easier than it is.  

I worry about my siblings and mom, and want them to find a relationship that lasts.  For all three of them.

I worry about finances, medical bills, student loans, and working part-time instead of full-time.

I hate cleaning my house, yet I want my house cleaned always. 

And sometimes I cry over chipped nail polish. 

I feel a bit like I'm drowning.  And then I worry that I'm not adequate enough to keep up. 

Maybe just a rough patch.   Maybe a lot of stress.  Maybe a bit of postpartum blues.   But whatever the case, I hope of gets fixed ASAP.  

Oakley's Birth Story.

On Tuesday October 21, I was sitting in CPR class at work.  I started having contractions and they were regular and frequent.   I started timing them and realized they were coming every 2-5 minutes for 2 hours.

Mom and Dad headed to the hospital where I was checked and dilated only to a 1.   They had us walk around the unit for an hour and checked again, still a 1.   Contractions were strong enough to the point of me having to hold onto the railing and breathe through, but not strong enough for any dilation to occur.  They sent us home.

The next morning Mom had an appointment with Dr. Bierer who told me I had dilated to a 3 overnight.   I went home to pack our hospital bags and get things in order for baby to arrive.  Family spent the whole week on-call, thinking I may go into labor at any moment.   Dad worked and had school the next 3 days--Wednesday, Thursday and Friday night. Luckily baby stayed put until Dad was done with his busy week.  

Saturday morning, October 24, water broke at 9:00am.   Mom and Dad grabbed out bags, dropped big sister Hazel off at Aunt Linda's and Great Grandma Delphas and headed to the hospital. 

Unfortunately, McKay-Dee was switching over there entire charting system and things were hectic, to say the least.  Mom and Dad waited in the waiting from for 30 minutes until we had a room and were in the system.   Mom was nervous that things weren't organized and worried that the day may be a bit crazy.  

We headed to our room where we met Grandma Pam, Grandma Sue, Grandpa Curtis, Aunt Sadie and our photographer (Moms elementary best-friend).   

Mom was checked at a 3, and then waited about 2 hours until we were admitted in the computer and started on Pitocin. Nurses kept apologizing for things being so chaotic and it was obvious the frustrations they all had with the computers.  Pitocin was started around 12:00pm and Mom got an epidural around 1:30pm.   

We spent the day relaxing in bed, talking with one another and anticipating baby's arrival. Mom dilated to a 5, and then a 7 around 3:30pm.  

The nurse turned Mom into her side after checking her and Mom felt a great amount of pressure.   Mom got a big urge to push and told the nurse.  The nurse checked her just 2 minutes later and Mom was dilated to a 10.  

Go time!

Dr. Bierer was called and Mom did her best to not push.   Mom did everything she could to hold baby in, squeezing all her muscles and keeping her legs close together until doctor arrived.

Dr. Bierer arrived, scrubbed in and Mom got ready to push.   Half push and baby's head was out, another half push and shoulders were out and then came the rest of baby.

She arrived at 4:32pm weighing 7lb 4oz and 19in long.  Mom and Dad debated all day on the spelling of babies name, but decided finally on Oakley Rae Hall.

Aunt Linda was called and Hazel arrived just shortly after to meet her baby sister. Hazel loved Oakley from the moment she saw her.  She has been kissing on her, loving her, holding her and rubbing her cheeks about every two minutes.  She likes "Okey" to sit by her, and be with her at all times.  She likes to show her off to her daycare friends and she loves to help me dress her.

We planned to go home on Sunday October 25th.  We had our bags packed and was waiting on discharge orders from the pediatrician.   The nurse arrived at 5:00pm and told us Oakley's bilirubin was too high, and she wants us to stay another night to be monitored and have light therapy.   

Bring on the water works.

Mom cried, and cried and cried some more.   Mom didn't have baby-sitters arranged for Hazel, Dad needed to go home and sleep for school the next day, and Mom REALLY wanted to be home as a family.   Dad made a few phone calls and arranged everything: Hazel would sleep at Grandma and Grandpa Halls and spend Monday with Grandma Sue.  Dad would sleep at home, but checked on Mom all through the night.  Before Dad left, he bought Mom some nail polish, a lemonade, some Taco Bell and some redbox movies for the evening.   Mom was set.

Luckily, Moms friend Susan was her post-partum nurse for the night.  Susan spent a lot of time with Mom, helping us breastfeed and making sure Mom was doing okay emotionally.  The evening turned out fine and Oakley spent the night under light therapy.

The next day, we were sent home.  Bilirubin was still high, so we were sent with light therapy.  Dad arrived after class around 2:00pm, Grandpa Curtis brought Hazel up around 3:00pm and we left the hospital at 5pm.  

We headed home as a family of 4, and things have never felt more perfect.  
Raising girls is my favorite thing, and I feel so blessed to have been given the call as a Mother.
Life COULD. NOT. be any better.

Oakley. Sisters. Motherhood.

Yesterday I scheduled my induction day for miss Oakley Rae.   

Holy crap. 

This whole pregnancy has been a blur. When I was pregnant with Hazel, it's all I could think about.  I knew exactly how many weeks pregnant I was, and how many days until her arrival.  I took weekly pictures and read the app everyday to see what she was growing that week. With Oakley, it hasn't been that way.

[And it kind of makes me feel bad.  Like I'm already neglecting Oakley.   Apparently it's normal, other moms tell me.   But, it still makes me feel a bit sad.]

But, now that I'm 34 weeks along, and in scheduling inductions and pre-registering for the hospital...things are getting real. 

I was talking to my mom about plans for Hazel while I was in the hospital.  She said she would take Hazel overnight and then "bring her up the next day to meet her sister."  

That sentence sent me in tears. 

Sisters.   I get to raise sisters.   Two little girls under my roof.   Nothing makes me happier than raising babies, and having two girls is a dream. I think every girl needs a sister and I'm so glad Oakley and Hazel have one.  I pray to have many more girls.  Or boys.   But definitely more babies. 

Morherhood is amazing. No one could have prepared me for how rewarding and proud this calling would make me feel. I knew I wanted kids, I knew I wanted to be a mom, but I NEVER knew how amazing it would make me feel. 

And I can't believe I get to do this agai in just 6 weeks. (And hopefully two more times after that.)

Bring on the babies! 

Octa-mom in the making.   😄

Hospice Nursing.

People ask me frequently how I can do Hospice.  "But isn't it so sad?!"  

And really, it's not.   

It's sad for the family.  And it's hard to see them go.   But, for the patient, it's such a blessing.  

I know that sounds a little morbid, but Hospice is such a different way of viewing healthcare, life, living and goals.  

My favorite part of Hospice is when I tell a patient they no longer have to go through aggressive treatment.   No more chemotherapy, no more IV sticks, no more X-Rays, no more hospital visits, no more diet restrictions.     The face on the patient is magical, the relief is so pronounced and the hope is high.   

Suddenly, the patient is now in charge again. The patient gets to decide how they wish to spend their last days.  If they want ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner, they get it.   If they want to leave the hospital and go home to watch TV in their bed with those they love, the can. If they want to stop taking all of their medications because they hate the taste, they get to.  Its up to them. 

Hospice is about making the patient comfortable, in whatever way that may be.  

I once had a patient say they were "going home to LIVE" and I feel that explains Hospice so perfectly. It's about making the last days/weeks/months, the most enjoyable and most pleasant for the patient. 

So, when someone asks how I can do Hospice, it's because of that.   It's to make someone who has struggled with a terminal illness for far too long, completely and 100% comfortable.   

That's what I love about Hospice.   

And why I keep doing what I do.   

For the Rest of Forever

Disclaimer: this post is for me.   It's not to boast or brag or make others feel bad.   It's to always remember to love my husband and to stay committed to him, for the rest of forever.  

-------------

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately.  I come from a family where it's not super common to stay in a committed relationship.   My mom has been married 3 times, with a recent called off engagement.   My oldest sister has been divorced, then back with the same guy, and then broken up again a year later.   And my middle sister has recently just separated from her wife after 4 years.    

It scares me.

Divorce scares me.

My ultimate biggest fear. 

I remember telling Caden before we got married that he was marrying me for all of eternity.   I don't talk about divorce, I don't think about divorce and it's a big naughty word in my house.   I HATE it. 

I feel I have been blessed with a fantastic husband who supports me in all that I do.  When I watch love movies, I think about my husband. When he is away, I miss him.  He's my whole world, and I hope that never goes away. Ever. 

I contribute our successful marriage to communication. Me and Caden talk a lot about our feelings. Probably more than he wants to. But, he's a good sport and always asks me what he can do better or what I need from him.  And I do the same for him.  My goal is to take 100% care of him and he takes 100% care of me, and that works well for us.  

I feel having religion in a marriage is another great part of our marriage. I don't know if that is what is missing in my mom and siblings' marriages, but I feel like a religion and covenants to a Heavenly Father helps the commitment stay firm and strong. When Caden gets spiritual or shares his testimony with me, my love for him grows in huge leaps and bounds.   Nothing makes me love him more than his love for the gospel, the church and his father in heaven.

Family time is a third thing that makes my marriage run smoothly.  Nothing is better than spending the day with my husband and our children.  A man who is a good Dad is so sexy, am I right?!   Caden is a fantastic parent.  He puts her to bed, he bathes her, he does her hair in pig tails, he lets her wear her favorite pink dress and he takes her to do fun things. He's the ultimate Daddy and that makes our marriage so strong, in my eyes. 

Family time includes extended family.  We spend every Sunday at either my moms or his parents, alternating weeks.   This has been great for me personally.  I love that my family loves my husband.   They all adore him and I feel he has personally brought us all closer through his love and obsession for games.    I also love to see Caden interact with his own family.  The way he cares about his siblings and his affectionate towards them warms my heart.   He spends one day a week with his mom going to lunch and running errands and I think it's amazing that he has that bond with his mom.   Family time  is important and I really love having that in our marriage. 

I love being married.  It's been a complete dream come true, and everything I hoped it would be.   When I pictured my marriage as a young girl, I pictured this. This is true love, folks. The Cinderella kind.   

I worry about my family and being alone. I don't think anything would be worse than being without a spouse.   And when people say they "never want to be married", I literally ache for them.   Marriage should be amazing, it should be heart warming and it should be romantic.  It should be just like the fairy tales, and I think I am crazy lucky that I've found that.  

I hope my marriage only gets stronger.  I pray that we grow together and we hold hands when we are 100.  I pray we continue to inspire each other and make each other laugh.  And I pray we never forget what this feels like.   

Marriage is great, guys.

And I hope everyone in the world gets to enjoy this kind of love, for the rest of their forever. 

Bun in the Oven.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit this: I forgot to tell blogland about our new addition.

So, without further introduction.  Meet Miss Oakley.   

She will be joining our sweet family in the end of October or early November.   She makes my heart full and I am so grateful that Hazelnut gets a sister.  

Every girl should have a sister.

Poor Caden has a house full of crying, emotional girls.
...Luckily, he handles it super well.

Cheers to bows, ribbons, pink and sparkles.

And cheers to more babies in the Hall family.

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Nursing to Motherhood.

Recently I decided to go part-time as a nurse and full-time as a Mommy.   

Best decision I have ever made.

We may not be able to afford things we use to: like TV, and eating out, and groceries.   (Kidding, about groceries.)  But, it's been 100% with it.  

I can't explain the amount of happiness being home with my babies gives me.  I remember thinking that I could never be a stay-at-home Mom.  At the time, working was so important to me.  I had a serious drive to be successful in the work place and I worked hard to get good grades, graduate with honors,  hold a good job and take great care of my patients.  At the time, that felt like the most important thing and I couldn't imagine throwing that away to be a mom at home.

And then I had a baby.  

And THAT became my number one priority over anything else.  Nothing could be more important than teaching my daughter her ABCs, watching her take her first steps, playing barbies and taking her on walks.   

Motherhood is amazing.  It does something indescribable to a person and I pray that every woman in the planet gets the opportunity to experience it.  It's so rewarding, so beautiful, so thrilling.

So, although I love nursing, being a mommy at home is the goal. 

...and it's my favorite job I've ever had. 

Spreading it Thin.

I'm an emotional mess.   And I'm not even entirely sure why.

This morning I spoke with my bosses about going part-time.  I had mentally prepared what I wanted to say and some good key points to bring up.   But, once the conversation got going I couldn't help fight back the tears.

I love hospice.  That's no secret.  It's a hundred percent the kind of nursing I've always wanted to do.  I love everything about what hospice means and I love the care we provide for the patient and their family.  

However, working full time as a hospice nurse is hard.
And even harder when you are raising a young family home.

I'm struggling trying to manage it all.   I'm trying to give my patients my attention and the time they deserve, and sometimes that means I don't get home until 6:30 or I chart at home until
8pm.   And that's really hard.   Because that means that those hours are taken away from my babies and my husband who mean more to me than anyone else on this world.

I can't find a happy balance between patient load and family life.   I feel like all areas of my life are getting 50% of my attention, and I'm only doing things part way.   When I am with my family, I'm thinking about work.   When I'm with a patient, I'm missing my husband and kids.   When I'm a church, I'm wishing I'm home asleep because I'm so tired.

I would like to blame this on pregnancy hormones and laugh it off that I'm all out of whack, but I think these are honest and true feelings.   I'm torn between two things I love dearly, and of course I'm going to pick my family.   But, that means financially things may suffer which makes me afraid and scared.

To talk to someone about this seems silly.   My support system is fantastic but their problems are so much more than mine.   I've got a best friend who struggles with fertility.  My other best friend is suffering from pulmonary hypertension and awaiting a lung transplant.   My sister is dealing with a troubled teen who is doing drugs.  My mom just called off her engagement.    These problems are so much more than me wanting to spend time with my family.   And I feel silly for worrying about such silly things.

I feel alone.  Scared.  Unsure what to do.

My husband has been a rock through my emotions.  He is incredibly supportive and kind and loving.   I just don't know that he has any answers.  And neither do I.   And maybe there aren't any.   Maybe I just need to cry about it and get it out and tomorrow is a new day.

So, I'll hug my babies and my husband.   And I'll care for my patients.  And I'll do my best to worry less, because my problems are so minimal and my life is good.  

Real good.

Miscarriages and Loss.

My heart is heavy.

Real heavy.

Someone I love dearly had a miscarriage.

And it breaks my heart into pieces.

Fertility is such a funny thing.  A mom with an unstable life, addicted to drugs with no where to live can have a child, but a mother desperately seeking a child to love and call her own is unable to bring one into this world.

I do not get it.

As she told me this news, my heart broke instantly. Our children would be 3 weeks apart.  How am I going to be a support to her, knowing I have something that she desperately wants? How can I help her through this crisis without rubbing my belly into hers that is empty?  

It just doesn't seem fair.  And I feel horrible.   

After she told me the news, I went to pick up my 2-year old daughter.  She ran to the stairs screaming "Mommy!" and I started sobbing.   Motherhood is something incredible. It's such a huge blessing and it's such an honor.   I can't believe Heavenly Father continues to send me these angels to raise in my home and I can't believe I'm lucky enough to be their mommy.   

Motherhood is something that EVERY woman should be allowed to experience.   It's such a beautiful thing and words can't express how amazing it feels to hear a child call you "mommy".    It's absolutely incredible.    So, why do some women get to experience it and not others? Why are some babies sent for such a short amount of time and then brought back? Why do great mommies have to keep their babies in heaven?

I don't get it.  

And I never will.

My heart aches for those who have experienced a miscarriage.   Its something I can't even imagine and I hope that I never have to experience it.   

Sending fertility dust your way.

❤️❤️❤️