Millie's Birth Story.

My pregnancy with Miss Millie was a doozy.   I was very tired, very ran down and very exhausted.  Maybe because I was older (32) or maybe because I had just delivered twins 14 months prior, or maybe because I was chasing 4 little toddlers around while being pregnant.   Or maybe a combination of all the above.   Whatever the case, it was a tough pregnancy. 

I went to the doctor twice and was absolutely positive I was in labor, only to be sent home for another few weeks of monitoring and pregnancy.    My doctor had scheduled an induction for 38 weeks and I was thrilled.   Counting down the days and minutes until that day.   We had our bags packed, we had arranged for 2 different babysitters to watch our other 4 little munchkins.   Dad had the day off, my mom had the day off and I was ready.

We arrived at the hospital at 9am.   They didn't have me on the schedule.   "Did I have the date wrong?" She asked.  Definitely not.  I have been counting this day down for months.   "Could we have the hospital wrong?"   She called the other hospitals.  Nope.   She called my OB.   He had me on HIS schedule, but forgot to call the hospital.   So, they asked if I could go home and come back an hour later to get things ready for me.   Sure.   I can wait one more hour.

We come back at 10am.  I'm in the system and my paperwork was here.  I got all hooked up to monitors and in my hospital gown. 

The nurse comes in and asked

"So, how are we going to induce you today if you're only 38 weeks?  We can't induce anyone for insurance purposes unless there is a medical reason or you are 39 weeks." 

 I replied "Well, I don't know.  This is just the day the doctor had scheduled." 

She said she would monitor me and the baby for 30 minutes, but if everything looked normal then I would be sent home.

What.
the.
heck.

I was so furious.  So upset.  So heart broken. 
I couldn't go home.  We had everything lined up for today.  My in-laws were in town from St. George.  We had baby sitters.  We took time off work.   I cannot go home.

I called the doctor office and asked to speak to my OB.   He wasn't in.  I was texting all my labor nurse friends asking if they had his cell phone number.  I was leaving messages with the receptionist.  I was frantic and I was NOT leaving.

Suddenly, my OB arrived in my hospital room. 

He said  "You are 39 weeks.  Your delivery date is July 17th.   That's what my records show."   

Hmm, news to me.  But okay, let's do this.
He broke my water, they started an IV and we were cruising toward baby town.

I had two doses of antibiotics because of Group B strep before they would start my pitocin.  Pitocin wasn't started until 2pm, (when I thought I would be hooked up by 10am).   My mom arrived and she hung out with Caden and I all day.  It took me a while to dilate, but I was comfortable and had received my epidural so life was good.

Hazel and Oakley were playing all day with Grandma and Grandpa Hall.  Went to a movie, went swimming and visiting their new baby cousin, Hudson.  They were in heaven and anxious to meet baby sister.  Ava and Ellie were with Aunt Linda and getting in to all sorts of mischief.  No idea that they would be big sisters in just a few short hours.

While we wait for me to dilate, we had a fire alarm go off as well as a news crew touring the hospital.  So many very bizarre things happening this day.   In true Millie fashion, nothing was going according to plan.

Around 5pm, I still had only dilated to about a 7.   Aunt Linda needed to go home and we didn't have a babysitter lined up for the twins.   I called my sister in a panic and she went to sit with the twins.   Grandma and Grandpa Hall came to visit at the hospital with Hazel and Oakley before they were headed off to bed.   My oldest sister and her kids came to visit around that time as well.

Wouldn't you know it--I start to dilate.

I feel lots of pressure and I tell my nurse I think it's go-time.   My in-laws took my girls to grab some McDonald's and said they would come back to meet baby sister.   My oldest sister got to stay in the room while I pushed, as well as Mom and Caden. 


I hired my friend to take my birth story pictures.  I called her to let her know I was ready for her.  She can't find me or my room.   Turns out she went to the wrong hospital.   Luckily, the correct hospital isn't too far away and she arrives just in time.

Another bump in the road--my OB isn't available.  He's at another hospital delivering another baby.  My nurse tells me to hold baby in, but says she has another OB on-call and asks him to come in my room in case I really need to push.  He comes in to hang out and we wait for my OB to arrive.

My OB makes it in time.  We get ready to push.  7 hours after pitocin is started, I push twice and out arrives our beautiful Millie.   Weighing in at 7lb and 12oz and 19inches long.   She has a head full of dark hair and she nurses immediately. 

Millie has been the sweetest little baby ever since she arrived.  She's very calm, very easy going.  She doesn't fuss, doesn't spit up, hardly ever cries.  She nurses like a champion and doesn't let the smothers from big sister bother her a single bit.  She's such a mellow little caboose and such a sweet blessing to our family. 

We love you, Mille Anne.
Welcome to the family.
xo

32.

March is a good month for me.  It’s my birthday month and I celebrate all month long.  This month was no exception.  I paid someone to clean my house (best idea ever), Caden bought me a massage, I won a Maskcara giveaway worth $60, I celebrated my actual birthday at a LIVE Survivor viewing party with Joe Anglim and Sierra Dawn, and then Caden took me to dinner at my favorite restaurant while our girls stayed home with family.   

I love my birthday.  It’s a time for others to show their love and to celebrate ME in their life, which is really such a sweet thing.   I’m a Words of Affirmation girl, so I soak up every text and card that I receive.   I love it.   Birthdays are also a time for me to reflect on the past year.  Things I’ve accomplished, trials I’ve had, successes that have come my way, and all the blessings that I have.  It’s by far my favorite day of the whole year, and I’m not shy about letting people know that. 

With that being said, 31 was a hard year for me.  I had my baby twins and then 5 days later I turned 31.   The year was spent keeping tiny little humans alive, all day every day was mommy-ing.    I had days that I loved every second, and days I spent laying on my bed in tears.  Some days I was rocking life as the Mom of 4, and other days I was completely overwhelmed by simple tasks.   I changed jobs from a company that I thought I would be at forever, and struggled finding a place in a new company that I loved just as much. It was a roller coaster of emotions.   

I remember feeling so lost in who I was and the things I enjoyed beyond Motherhood and being a Nurse.   I forced myself to make a list of things I enjoyed and hobbies I had, just to remind myself that I was actually a person before a Mom.  My identity was tangled up in the daily grind of little children.  Just as I started finding myself, going to the gym, working off the baby weight, finding confidence in who I was...I got pregnant again.   Cue the emotions.  

31 was a year of babies.  Of pregnancies.  Of twins.  Of mommying harder than I ever have before.   I’m beyond grateful for my sweet children.   For my husband who manages our estrogen so very well.  For my family who support me and help me on the daily with my tiny entourage.   For my friends to lean on when I struggle.   I am beyond blessed for this life I lead.  I think so often about where it could be had I not met Caden, had we decided not to attend Church, had I kept drinking, had I stayed with my previous group of friends.  So many forks in the road that could have lead me down a dark and scary path, and I’m so happy with the path I chose instead.  So happy with how my life has turned out and where I have landed at age 32.   Life is good.   I am stoked to be raising a tiny girl gang with a man that I am madly in love with.   And I could not be more blessed and thankful for all that I have. 

I think 32 is going to be a good year.   It may not be the year that I accomplish goals, or lose weight, or start a new hobby.  It may be another year of mommy-ing and taking care of tiny babies.  And I'm okay with that.   Taking it one day at a time, just trying to survive the day and keep all my little itty-bitties alive and happy.   But, what really could be better than hanging out with 5 tiny little girls who are my very best of friends?  And spending the nights with a man who makes me happy beyond all reason?!  I mean, seriously.  32 is going to be a good year.  I feel it in my bones.   
...my tired, achy bones.

Cheers to 32.

And all the adventures that come with it.  

Suicide.

Every time a suicide happens with a celebrity, or suicide is brought up on the news or it's floating around social media, I am brought to an icky place in my memory. 
It lingers for a few days before I can really shake it. 

My Dad killed himself when I was just 4 years old. 

Hazel's age.   

He was heavy in to drugs and in a bad place in his life.  I'm told that he didn't see a way out and I'm told that he felt the lives of his children would be better if he wasn't a part of them. 

Maybe that's true. 
I can't be sure. 

But, what I know for sure is that I will never be okay with his suicide. 

I was 4 years old and have only one memory of my Dad. 
A memory that I'm not even really sure if it was him or not. 
I don't remember his voice or the way he smelled. 
I have no memory of him being with me or my sisters. 

I don't remember a thing.   

And yet, I'm still not okay with his suicide. 
 I'm mad at him for leaving.
 I'm confused that I don't have answers.
 I'm angry that I can't remember. 

Suicide is something I will never be okay with. 

And yet, I still have empathy for those who are suicidal. 

I hurt for them. 

For how lonely they must feel.
...and how terrified.
...and afraid.
 
To be suicidal, to me, means that you feel you have no other option. 
You are at the end of your limit. 
You can't see a way out.

 And that must be a horrifying feeling. 
That must hurt more than any other hurt. 

I've never been to that point in my life. 
I've never even come close to that. 
But if you have, I can empathize. 
I can relate, in a weird way. 

I have thought a lot about what my Dad must have been feeling in that moment.  And I don't want anyone I love to ever feel those feelings.  I don't want anyone I know or love to ever feel that alone, or afraid, or depressed. 

Reach Out. 
Call. 
Text. 
Come Over. 

I'm here, and I am not going anywhere.

Ava and Ellie's Birth Story

I had been having contractions pretty consistently for several weeks.  The doctor assured me that it was common and to rest, elevate and drink plenty of fluids.  If they didn't stop after I rested, then I needed to go to the hospital to be checked. 

The morning of March 15th, I was having pretty regular contractions that weren't going away.  They weren't extremely painful, but were consistent.  My sister drove me to the hospital while Caden was at work and they sent me home a few hours later with a diagnosis of Braxton Hicks.

Fast forward a week to March 21st.  Again, same thing.

My contractions began around 11pm and were pretty strong and consistent.  I sent my mom and sisters a text to listen for their phones through the night because my contractions were coming on regularly.   Caden and the girls went to bed and I stayed up and watched TV on the couch.   My feet were up, I was drinking water by the gallons and no signs of contractions easing up.  However, I wasn't having any pain associated with them and I surely didn't want to go to the hospital just to be sent home again.

2am rolled around and I was arguing with myself.  Was I in labor?  Was I just WANTING to be in labor?  Was it all in my head?  So, I got up and started walking around the house.  I did laps around my kitchen to see if I could break my water or maybe make the contractions stronger, looking for a sure sign of labor.   Also, I kept pooping often.  (Oops, TMI?)  I googled my symptoms and decided that maybe I was really in labor this time.

Caden had to leave for work at 6am, so I decided that if I was going to the hospital I had better wake him up before work.  I sent a text to my mom and sisters at 4am and woke up my kids.  

I said to Caden "Hey babe, I think it's showtime."  

He responded with "What does that mean?"  

And I said "I think I'm in labor."   

We got the girls up and dressed and dropped them off at my moms house and headed to the hospital.  We arrived at 0530.  I told them I thought I was in labor and wanted to be checked.  She slowly typed in my information, asking me my name and doctor.  She asked for my due date and I told her "April 12th, but I'm pregnant with twins so any day really."   She looked at me, looked at my belly and said "What?! You have twins in there?"  Her typing got MUCH faster and they hurried me back to triage to be checked.

At this point, I'm still not convinced I'm in labor.  My contractions were continuing and maybe a little stronger but I wasn't having any pain.  It didn't feel much different than a week prior and I was wondering if we would be sent home again.  The nurse said she was going to check my cervix and I was pretty certain I was still at a 0.   But, much to my surprise, I was dialted to a 4.

Yikes.

With my other girls, I dilated QUICKLY.  I go from a 4 to a 10 in a matter of minutes.   I started getting nervous because Baby A was breach and I didn't want her feet coming first before they had me prepped and ready for c-section.   

My mom arrived and the girls stayed home with my niece.  The nurse called the doctor and we got a c-section scheduled for 0730.  Caden called his parents, who were coming from St. George.   They had me prepped, IV started, antibiotics hung, medicine given and I was headed to the operating room.

When we got into the operating room, the anesthesiologist attempted a nerve block in my back.  First attempt didn't work, so second attempt was made and stuck.  My catheter was placed and we were minutes away from meeting our baby girls.

I remember feeling them stretch my stomach open and telling Caden that it should hurt.  I could feel the pressure of everything being moved around and stretched in order to reach our baby girls.  Baby A was out at 0748 and I IMMEDIATELY felt such huge relief.  I felt like I could breathe and my organs weren't stuck in my esophagus.   I looked at Caden and just kept saying "Oh my gosh, that feels SO much better."  Baby B was out just one minute later at 0749.

Caden went back with the girls and I laid there alone on the hospital bed.   

I didn't like being alone.  Not being able to see Caden.  Not being able to see our girls.  Not knowing what was going on.   I heard the nurse shout to me "Callie, Baby B is needing a little oxygen.  She's having a hard time breathing."  

Not my favorite.

But, Caden was with them and I knew they were in good hands.  

So, I laid there naked and exposed while they continued to stitch me up.

They finished stitching me and moved me to the labor room.  My mom and sisters were there and they brought me Ellie (Baby A) to nurse.   Ava (Baby B) stayed behind while they worked on getting her lungs breathing.  She needed a little suctioning and a lot of oxygen.  Caden came in to assure me that she was doing okay, and he continued to check on her while I nursed Ellie.  

I stayed in the labor room for a few hours and then moved to the post-partum room.   Ellie got passed around the room while I finished my makeup and waited for our photographer to arrive.  The rest of this is all a blur, and I don't remember much.   I got updates often on Ava, but still hadn't been able to see or hold her.  She was breathing well, but still requiring oxygen and had a little suction to her mouth.  

Caden checked on her every few minutes, like the good Dad that he is, and would give me updates on how she was doing.

After getting settled in and my makeup on, (priorities, right?), my mom left to get big sisters.   They arrived and immediately fell in love.  I wasn't sure how Oakley would react, and was worried she would feel left out or jealous of the babies.  Quite the opposite happened, and she was obsessed from the minute she saw them.  And actually, hasn't STOPPED obsessing about them.

Ava ended up having to stay the night in the TLC unit so they could monitor her oxygen.  She did fantastic through the night and was able to eventually come off oxygen completely.  She wasn't allowed to leave the TLC unit, so I kept Ellie in the nursery close by and would walk over every 3 hours to feed them both.  

Ava was able to discharge from the TLC unit in the morning, and she spent the next three days next to me in my hospital room.   I stayed Thursday-Sunday in the hospital and discharged Sunday morning.   I loved having alone time with the babes, and loved having visitors frequently all day long.   I ate my weight in french toast, bacon and blueberry muffins and downed the pebble ice by the gallons. 

We discharged Sunday morning and Caden took all 5 girls home.   

Babies are adjusting fantastic to life at home, eating every 3 hours and sleeping in-between.  

I still can't believe we have twins.  Or four kids.  

...and I feel so incredibly blessed.

Life is good.

God is good.

Mom to 4 Girls.

Here it is: My first picture with all four of my babies.

All girls.
All the time.

Bring on the glitter and the pigtails, because this shiz is about to get crazy.

People ask me all the time what I'm most afraid of when having twins.
It's really not the two-babies-at-once.   I feel like that's pretty manageable.

What terrifies me is the idea that my two older girls will feel like I don't have time for them.  I never want them to feel pushed aside, or second best. 

I find myself constantly trying to mentally prepare for four children.   How do I budget my time? How do I make each of them feel important?  How do I learn to put the less important things on the back burner? Learn to let go of what doesn't matter?   How do I make each of my girls feel like they are number one.

It seems like a daunting task and I'm afraid I am going to fall short on several occasions.    I feel like life with four is going to be a big reality check and a big life change.    And I'm real nervous.

But, I'm also really excited for this next stage.   Wrapping up the baby days of my motherhood and welcoming two new beautiful spirits into our life.   Thinking about raising 4 girls who are all so close in age and who can play together and laugh together and stay up late together. That seems like a happy home to be in.


I mean,  I always wanted my kids to be close.

...and ours are definitely close. 

4 kids in 5 years.  

...two of them on the same day.

Doesn't get much closer than that. 

Blogging from a Desktop.

EEEEEK!   My husband surprised me with a GORGEOUS desktop computer and it's set up in our spare bedroom.  Which means, I can BLOG again.   Alllllll the heart-eyes emoji.     

I feel like the last 10 blogs have been about blogging, how good it is to blog, how I'm going to try to blog more, and yadda-yadda-yadda.    But now I feel like I really can.   I have a designated space, I have a computer that's way more efficient than my little iPhone and I have the drive. 

Also, I suddenly figured out how to update and edit my about me and header, so that's exciting.   
This one is only temporary until I decide what the heck I'm doing with this little blog.   

I have dreams of being a really great blogger, with lots of readers and connecting with other women virtually.   It may happen, it may not.   But regardless, it's good to write openly, even if no one is reading.   

So--a lot has happened since my last catchup, catsup, ketchup. 

We are pregnant with TWIN girls.  Eeeek!  We have two littles at home already.  Hazel is 4 and Oakley is 2.     I am working as a hospice nurse.  Caden is working in a laboratory as a Medical Laboratory Scientist.   We are both FINALLY done with school and working normal hours.  (No more graveyards, hallllelujah!)   And we built a new home in a darling little subdivision that we really love.   

LIFE.
IS.
GOOD.

And now, I have blogging back in my life.  So, what could be better?!    Does anyone still blog anymore?  Don't know.  Don't care.    I'm here now though, and it's a good place to be. 

Hello out there.

Man, this blogger interface is WAY out of date.
My "about me" section needs an update and my header is missing our sweet kids.

I tried to update it the other night and somewhere in the last 6 years, I've lost the memory of how to update anything on this blog and the HTML coding I used to know is gone forever.  

So, alas, I'm stuck with this background and header until my memory comes back.
Which may be never, at the rate I'm going.

Gah, blogging!  It's so good to be back.   Blogging brings me such clarity and peace.  It's amazing.  Once I start writing, my head becomes so clear and my thoughts are so direct.  I let my brain just flow and then when I read it back I think "Eureka! That's it!"  

Its really quite therapeutic.

But, our laptop gets tucked away in a cupboard and we have yet to buy a desktop.   And typing a blog on a phone is really annoying.  Especially with a cracked screen like mine.

So, blogging doesn't happen as often as I would like.

I'm hoping in the real near future, we buy a desktop with a computer desk and chair.   And I can sneak away in the early morning or late at night and type all my thoughts and feelings on this little blog of mine.  

That's the dream, and it sounds so great.

I have a whole entire Pinterest board dedicated to journaling, with pen and paper.   And I drool over the pictures of people doodling and writing their thoughts and goals and dreams.   I attempted it once but became way too critical of my drawings, my handwriting, the way the colors bled on the paper.   So, I ended up stuffing the journal away in a cupboard and now it's being used for grocery lists.

So, blogging is the only way to go.   It's easy, it's fast.   I don't have to doodle and I can type way faster than I write.  

I love it.  And I love not knowing who is reading or when they read or what they think.  The anonymity is quite thrilling.

Hello out there.

Until next time--maybe tomorrow, maybe in another few months, maybe in 5 years.  
I never know when the blogging bug bites, but when he does, I like the itch.

Tired Momma.

Caden has been going to school our entire relationship.   All 6 years of it.

And he's been working graves for as long as we've had kids.   All (almost) 4 years.  

The end of that is SO close.   And yet, still seems so far away.   

I'm ready for him to be home.  With me.  With the girls.   Without homework.  And without having to nap or sleep when we are awake. 

Right now, he sleeps in his car Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.   He only sleeps a few hours at a time before he has to wake up again to go to school or work.   Graveyards at night, school in the morning, and back to graveyards at night.   He leaves Wednesday morning and I don't see him again until Saturday afternoon.

It's horrible.   

It's hard on him.   

Hard on me.

Hard on the girls.

And I can't WAIT for it to be over.  

I can't wait to have dinners together, wake up together, go to bed together.   I can't wait to have Dad home to help with morning routines, or tuck ins at bedtime.   Or time to play without any other obligations.  

Weekends are the very best.   

The VERY best.   

Caden is home and he's so very helpful.   The girls love having him around.   He plays, he's silly, he rough houses with the girls.  He helps clean the house, he cooks dinner, he helps with bath time, nap time, bed time.   He takes me on dates, he hugs me, cuddles me, holds me.   

It's THE best.  

And soon enough, that will be EVERY day.   

And I CANNOT wait.  

...until then, we continue with this bogus routine we have.   And we make it work.  

Impatiently waiting.  

AA Emotions.

My heart is full tonight.

I attended an AA meeting with my sister to celebrate her 30 days sobriety.   I didn't know she was an alcoholic until a few months ago, when she came to my mom in desire attempt for help.  To see her tonight sober was amazing, but what's more amazing is to see her proud of herself.   I have seen her down and depressed, and it's not the way you hope to see your big sister.    Tonight she had a light about her that made me so proud and I pray she continues on the path of sobriety.

My Dad was an alcoholic and an addict.   For years and years.   He ended his trial in suicide, leaving behind a single mom and 3 small children.   I am glad Cass has chose to turn right when Dad turned left.

After the meeting, I spoke with my mom about her life as the wife of an alcoholic and an addict.   I can't comprehend the strength and courage that takes, to stay with a spouse and try to raise a family but living in fear.   My mom talks about being afraid to leave us girls with dad, or trusting dad with money or car keys.   She feared us going to school because drug dealers threatened to harm her kids if Dad didn't pay his drug bill.  

This life doesn't seem like MY life.  I can't comprehend these things happening to my own family.

Addiction is real, and it's scary.   It can happen to anyone at any time and that's terrifying.   I felt so many emotions tonight at the AA meeting, and I was touched by so many amazing hearts.    AA is such a great support system and I dream of living in a world where that love and support is everywhere.   I felt so accepted, without any judgments or fears.   It's a safe zone to share and to be open and honest, and I pray we can all learn to be that accepting and loving of one another in our raw forms.

I'm proud of my sister, and I am so grateful that she has chosen to get help.  She deserves a life worth living because she is truly amazing.  

My Faith in the Book of Mormon

Although I grew up inactive, the Book of Mormon has always been a part of my life.  I was baptized at age 8, where I received my first copy.  It sat atop my closet, not really touched or read.  

I attended church sporadically, mostly with friends and socially.  Once I turned 12, my Young Women’s leader brought over another Book of Mormon.  She left it on my doorstep and when I opened it, it had her testimony inside.  I remember thinking how sweet it was that she had taken the time to write her testimony inside and how great it was that she had brought me over another Book of Mormon to add to my collection.

In High School, I signed up for seminary with other friends of mine, and watched them as they opened their scriptures that were highlighted and marked and referenced.  I was envious of their worn scriptures as I looked at mine, still brightly shining and smelling new.   As I started dating, I met an active boy who was preparing for a mission.  We wrote his entire mission and he would send me care packages from Germany.  Inside one care package, was another Book of Mormon.  This one also had his testimony written inside, but also highlighted scriptures—just like the girls in seminary.  He had taken the time to reference scriptures and bookmark his favorites.   And there it sat, atop my closet next to my collection. Occasionally I would take them down, flip through them and try to understand what I was reading.  But, not really absorbing what I had read or understanding what any of it meant.  I couldn’t understand how members read scriptures daily, or how they studied them, or what it was that I, personally, needed to learn.

President Gordon B. Hinckley (1910–2008) made this promise to you: “Here you are on the threshold of your mature lives. You … worry about school. You worry about marriage. You worry about many things. I make you a promise that God will not forsake you if you will walk in His paths with the guidance of His commandments.” 

So I read and then I stopped.  And I read, and then I stopped.  And I struggled with the material, and I was unsure of what I was reading.   And I now know what it was I was missing---Faith.   Faith in the Book of Mormon and the faith that it is true.  

Elder Todd Christofferson is quoted as saying “The central purpose of all scripture is to fill our souls with faith in God the Father and in His Son, Jesus Christ.

But what is faith?  And how does one GAIN faith?

Elder Quinton L Cook gave a talk in 2008 “Strengthening Faith as You Seek Knowledge”.  

He breaks down Faith into 5  steps.

1. Understand that their truly is opposition in all things.  

The choices you make are critical.

Prior to meeting Caden, I didn’t have much direction in life.  I knew I wanted to be a nurse and how I was going to do that.  However, I had no eternal plan.   I made choices that affect me eternal salvation frequently. 

As Caden and I got closer, and we talked more seriously about marriage and our relationship goals, we realized how important it was to both of us that we had an eternal family.  I wanted my children to have the gospel not just be a part of their lives, but to completely consume them.  I wanted to live a life that completely encompassed the gospel. 

But, how do we get there? Where do we start? 

2. Strenghten your testimony as a foundation for all the choices you make.

I met with my YSA bishop and I got to work.  We discussed my personal goals, and the goals of Caden and I together.   And his advice to me was simple: Read your scriptures, Say daily prayer, and attend all your meetings.  Scriptures. There it was again.  But, I had tried this before and it didn’t work.   I decided to give it another try.  I pulled down the scriptures hiding in my closet and opened to the first page.  I began reading just a verse a day and then a chapter a day.  It felt different than the first time, and I understood more than I had before.  My faith had already grown in just a few short months, and I could feel the difference once I began to read.

3. Seek knowledge diligiently, wisely and humbly.

I began asking more questions and getting more answers. I started saying daily prayer before I would read, and finish with a night prayer to help me remember the things I had learned.  I became hungry for knowledge and wanted to absorb as much as I could.  Caden and I took a seminary class together at Weber State, and we attended a Family and Relations class through his home ward.  The more I attended, the more answers I got.  My faith now was real and it was constant.  I was receiving answers to prayers, direction in my life and guidance as to what the next step would be.  

As we continued our scripture study, we learned to grow as a couple.  Caden would text me versus he read that night and I would respond with what it meant to me personally.  He would send his interpretation. We not only grew as a couple, but our testimony had grown exponentially in just a few short months.   It was FAITH that kept us reading, and FAITH that helped us towards our goals of an eternal marriage and a forever family. 

Caden and I finished the Book of Mormon together the night before we were scheduled to be sealed for time and all eternity.

4. Follow your prophet as you make your choices.

So, we finished the Book of Mormon.   But, scripture study is not over.  Elder Cook suggests we Follow the Prophet to strengthen our faith and what better way to follow the prophet than to study his current revelation by reading the ensign and listening to conference.  As a Mom of two little girls, life gets hectic. So, a great way for me to study the scriptures is to listen to a conference talk in the mornings as I get ready.  

Joseph Fielding Smith: “When one of the brethren stands before a congregation of the people today, and the inspiration of the Lord is upon him, he speaks that which the Lord would have him speak. It is just as much scripture as anything you will find written in any of these records, and yet we call these the standard works of the Church… the word of the Lord, as spoken by other servant,  is just as much the word of the Lord as the writings and the words of other prophets in other dispensations” 

5. Live so the atonement can fully efficacious in your life.

Flash forward 4 years, and we now have a beautiful growing family. My faith in the scriptures is strong and ever growing.  My faith in the gospel is solid and continues to be solid.   We have two children who have been born into the covenant and are sealed to us for time and all eternity.  I have a husband who holds the priesthood and the knowledge and strength that brings to our family. And I have a love for my savior, for the gospel and for my ever-growing testimony.   And I have a love for the scriptures, for modern day prophets and for this church.  

Isan S. Arden is quoted from the Ensign saying:   “As we engage with God in sincere prayer, read and study each day from the scriptures, ponder on what we have read and felt, and then apply and live the lessons learned, we draw nearer to Him.

God’s promise is that as we seek diligently from the best books,

 ‘[He] shall give unto [us] knowledge by his Holy Spirit’

I understand, now, why reading was so difficult in highschool, and prior to meeting my Caden and becoming active again in the church. At that time, I wasn’t living the gospel, I didn’t have the spirit with me and I hadn’t said any prayers.  I was reading the Book of Mormon in the way I read Harry Potter.  Page by Page with no pondering and no faith that what I was reading was true.  With no FAITH.

I knew how to read the scriptures, page by page and line by line.  But, I didn’t know how to really study the scriptures.  

So, how do you do it? Where do you start? 

Step 1—Make a commitment.   Like picking up a book of Harry Potter, I had agreed to read the Book of Mormon.  I didn’t know how much I was going to read, or how often, but I had committed to reading the entire thing.  

Step 2—Start Where You Are.   Coming from an inactive home, with no family home evening and no regular church attendance, I didn’t have a solid foundation in the church.  I didn’t grow up knowing the Book of Mormon stories and I was literally starting from basics.  And that’s okay.  I was starting from ground zero, but it was a start.  

Step 3—Pray and Seek the Spirit.   Reading cover to cover doesn’t help and I didn’t learn anything without the spirit with me.  I needed to pray, I needed the spirit to guide my path and to help me understand what it was that I was reading. 

Step 4—Set Goals.   I started with just a verse a day, then a chapter, and then I was reading more than a chapter at a time.  It was a slow start, and sometimes I had to read and re-read and read again, but I was setting goals to read the Book of Mormon and I wanted to achieve it.

Step 5—Personal Application.   I learned personal application best through seminary.  I had an amazing seminary teacher who wouldn’t just teach us Book of Mormon stories, but who would than apply it to my current life.  It is amazing to me that one story can apply to me as a pre-teen, then later again as a high school student, then later again as a newlywed and then later again as a mom of two children.   The story is the same, but it means something a little different each time I read it.

 

Step 6---Take Notes.    I think back often to the girls in my seminary class and their Book of Mormons full of color and highlights.  It was a symbol of really diving into the scriptures, to absorb the stories and to learn from them.  Taking notes is a great way to remember what the sprit was testifying at the time of reading, or what was learned or felt in that moments.

And again, the last step.  Step 7—Have Faith.   This is the step I was missing from the beginning, the step I wasn’t sure how to obtain. Have faith that the scriptures are true.  That the spirit is truly testifying of its truthfulness and that we can truly rely on the gospel.

(True to the Faith: A Gospel Reference [2004], 54). “Having faith in Jesus Christ means relying completely on Him—trusting in His infinite power, intelligence, and love. It includes believing His teachings. It means believing that even though you do not understand all things, He does. … He is always ready to help you as you remember His plea: ‘Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not

I don’t always understand all things that I read, that I study or that I learn from the Book of Mormon.  But, HE does.   He is always ready to help us and to teach us and to help us draw nearer to him. I am grateful for FAITH—when I don’t understand all things or I can’t comprehend, I am grateful for the faith that what I am reading is true.  I am grateful for the Book of Mormon, for my ever growing testimony and for my faith in our Lord and Savior.  I’m grateful for my amazing husband who continues to help me learn and helps me grow, and I’m grateful for my beautiful children who are a constant reminder to me of what Heavenly Father must feel for all his children.   

I love this church and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. 

Pride 2016.

Pride weekend always makes me reflect and ponder.

Such a touchy and emotional subject for me--the converse between the LGBT community and the LDS community.   

And my heart lies smack dab in the middle. My sister is gay, and I am an active member of the LDS faith.   

But, each year that I ponder this topic, each year I am a little bit more proud of the huge leaps of acceptance that I see from both sides of the spectrum.

I recently joined a Facebook group called Mormons Building Bridges and I am so happy to see the amazing hearts of LDS members who love the LGBT community.   And members of the LGBT community who still believe and practice the LDS faith.  

It's so beautiful, so inspiring, so amazing.

THIS is what heaven is like, in my world.  People accepting others, people loving others and people being kind to others.  

This last Spring I blessed my daughter in church, and my sister showed up with her girlfriend.   It made my heart melt and so grateful to have her there to support us, despite her different beliefs.  I had Ward members come up to me after to tell me how amazing my family is for accepting one another, and it makes me so grateful. 

Love is love and being kind to one another is the most important rule that Heavenly Father wants us to learn.   And I am so grateful and happy to see us all getting a little bit closer and a little bit more accepting of everyone. 

❤️

Oakley Blessing: Feeling So Loved.

Last Sunday we blessed Oakley Rae.  It was a very emotional day for me.

For the first time, in my entire life, my whole family was in the chapel together.   It was an overwhelming feeling of love, acceptance, and support. 

 My mom isn't active, my oldest sister isn't either, and my middle sister had her records removed from the church.   But, on Sunday, they put their beliefs aside and came to church to support my daughter and that meant so much to me.

 So so much.  

 As soon as I walked into the chapel, I turned to my left and saw all of my family sitting in the pews and I immediately started bawling.  To my right were my in-laws, who have been so supportive of my past and helped my testimony grow in ways I never thought possible.   And right beside me were my two best friends, my Caden and my Janelle.  These two have been my rocks through this entire transition. 

I have never felt more love or more support from all those I love.   

Family means so much to me, and I am so grateful for a family who is so diverse and yet so incredibly supportive of one another.   

I pray my girls can learn to be just as accepting of others and can learn to love those with different beliefs or lifestyles.  

Because, honestly, the world is about loving one another and learning to be kind.   

And Sunday, I felt the most love I have ever felt from all those who mean the most to me.

Bonding over Selfies.

I come from a family who isn't active in the church.  Growing up, our idea of entertainment was drinking wine or playing beer pong.   I went to the bar with my mom and sisters on the weekends and every holiday involved drinking. 

That's still true to this day.   Only, I'm the only one who doesn't drink. I don't go to bars, and I don't like to party.

So, that significantly decreases my social time with my family.  And it's REALLY hard for me.   

I love being with my family and I love to spend time with them.  I don't get invited to the bar, or the parties, or the wild nights because they know that I'm not interested in that anymore.   But, I'm still very interested in being with them.

Just last weekend I saw pictures of the together on Facebook and started crying. 

It's hard having a different lifestyle. 

And I hate feeling left out.   

And I miss that bonding time. 

I feel like I have to pick my beliefs or my family. (I know that's not the case, but that's how my emotions make me feel.) I constantly feel torn, and at a battle with my old lifestyle and my new.   

It's hard.

And it's emotional.

I would never change my family and the lifestyle they've chosen.  It's who they are, and they are wonderful people.   I would also never change the lifestyle I have chose and the decisions I have made because it's made me the happiest I have ever been.  

I just wish I could find a better way to make the two co-exist. 

Because right now, it's harder than it should be. 

Bleh.

My emotions seem so hard on on edge at all times lately.  I feel like my world is constantly changing, things are unsteady and chaos is permanent.  

Adjusting to two children has hit me harder than I thought it might.   My husband is gone more than he is home.  My siblings and mother are in constant trouble surrounded by heartaches and hecticness.  My in-laws are experiencing an upcoming marriage and soon-to-be missionary.  

I feel like everywhere I go is chaotic and I'm searching for a calm.  

I hate when my husband is gone.   

I hate that I am struggling juggling two children and I want it to be easier than it is.  

I worry about my siblings and mom, and want them to find a relationship that lasts.  For all three of them.

I worry about finances, medical bills, student loans, and working part-time instead of full-time.

I hate cleaning my house, yet I want my house cleaned always. 

And sometimes I cry over chipped nail polish. 

I feel a bit like I'm drowning.  And then I worry that I'm not adequate enough to keep up. 

Maybe just a rough patch.   Maybe a lot of stress.  Maybe a bit of postpartum blues.   But whatever the case, I hope of gets fixed ASAP.  

Oakley's Birth Story.

On Tuesday October 21, I was sitting in CPR class at work.  I started having contractions and they were regular and frequent.   I started timing them and realized they were coming every 2-5 minutes for 2 hours.

Mom and Dad headed to the hospital where I was checked and dilated only to a 1.   They had us walk around the unit for an hour and checked again, still a 1.   Contractions were strong enough to the point of me having to hold onto the railing and breathe through, but not strong enough for any dilation to occur.  They sent us home.

The next morning Mom had an appointment with Dr. Bierer who told me I had dilated to a 3 overnight.   I went home to pack our hospital bags and get things in order for baby to arrive.  Family spent the whole week on-call, thinking I may go into labor at any moment.   Dad worked and had school the next 3 days--Wednesday, Thursday and Friday night. Luckily baby stayed put until Dad was done with his busy week.  

Saturday morning, October 24, water broke at 9:00am.   Mom and Dad grabbed out bags, dropped big sister Hazel off at Aunt Linda's and Great Grandma Delphas and headed to the hospital. 

Unfortunately, McKay-Dee was switching over there entire charting system and things were hectic, to say the least.  Mom and Dad waited in the waiting from for 30 minutes until we had a room and were in the system.   Mom was nervous that things weren't organized and worried that the day may be a bit crazy.  

We headed to our room where we met Grandma Pam, Grandma Sue, Grandpa Curtis, Aunt Sadie and our photographer (Moms elementary best-friend).   

Mom was checked at a 3, and then waited about 2 hours until we were admitted in the computer and started on Pitocin. Nurses kept apologizing for things being so chaotic and it was obvious the frustrations they all had with the computers.  Pitocin was started around 12:00pm and Mom got an epidural around 1:30pm.   

We spent the day relaxing in bed, talking with one another and anticipating baby's arrival. Mom dilated to a 5, and then a 7 around 3:30pm.  

The nurse turned Mom into her side after checking her and Mom felt a great amount of pressure.   Mom got a big urge to push and told the nurse.  The nurse checked her just 2 minutes later and Mom was dilated to a 10.  

Go time!

Dr. Bierer was called and Mom did her best to not push.   Mom did everything she could to hold baby in, squeezing all her muscles and keeping her legs close together until doctor arrived.

Dr. Bierer arrived, scrubbed in and Mom got ready to push.   Half push and baby's head was out, another half push and shoulders were out and then came the rest of baby.

She arrived at 4:32pm weighing 7lb 4oz and 19in long.  Mom and Dad debated all day on the spelling of babies name, but decided finally on Oakley Rae Hall.

Aunt Linda was called and Hazel arrived just shortly after to meet her baby sister. Hazel loved Oakley from the moment she saw her.  She has been kissing on her, loving her, holding her and rubbing her cheeks about every two minutes.  She likes "Okey" to sit by her, and be with her at all times.  She likes to show her off to her daycare friends and she loves to help me dress her.

We planned to go home on Sunday October 25th.  We had our bags packed and was waiting on discharge orders from the pediatrician.   The nurse arrived at 5:00pm and told us Oakley's bilirubin was too high, and she wants us to stay another night to be monitored and have light therapy.   

Bring on the water works.

Mom cried, and cried and cried some more.   Mom didn't have baby-sitters arranged for Hazel, Dad needed to go home and sleep for school the next day, and Mom REALLY wanted to be home as a family.   Dad made a few phone calls and arranged everything: Hazel would sleep at Grandma and Grandpa Halls and spend Monday with Grandma Sue.  Dad would sleep at home, but checked on Mom all through the night.  Before Dad left, he bought Mom some nail polish, a lemonade, some Taco Bell and some redbox movies for the evening.   Mom was set.

Luckily, Moms friend Susan was her post-partum nurse for the night.  Susan spent a lot of time with Mom, helping us breastfeed and making sure Mom was doing okay emotionally.  The evening turned out fine and Oakley spent the night under light therapy.

The next day, we were sent home.  Bilirubin was still high, so we were sent with light therapy.  Dad arrived after class around 2:00pm, Grandpa Curtis brought Hazel up around 3:00pm and we left the hospital at 5pm.  

We headed home as a family of 4, and things have never felt more perfect.  
Raising girls is my favorite thing, and I feel so blessed to have been given the call as a Mother.
Life COULD. NOT. be any better.