Having not yet been a parent, it is easy for me to see things and assume "I will never be a parent like that." I have these great ideas about not letting my child have a binki past a certain age, and making sure she is potty trained by a certain age, and having her in a cute outfit with her hair done, and never letting her sit in front of the TV for hours on end, and ensuring she learns how to read and enjoys books, and learns how to share, and eats her vegetables, and tries new things, and is friendly, and, and, and, and...
But, let's get real.
I'm going to become Mom, and I'm going to be tired and I'm going to want her to just be quiet for an extended period of time so I can rest my eyes. So, I'm going to put on Dora the Explorer and give her a bottle full of milk and let her spend the entire day in her pajamas.
Pinterest just makes being a Mom seem like such a blast. Crafts, activities, sewing projects, yummy snacks, home made lunches, etc. It all seems like a walk in the park, but Pinterest doesn't tell you about the Moms who have to work 12-hour shifts on their feet. Or the laundry that is stacked miles high because crafting has become first priority. Or the dust on the shelves that has been sitting for months on end. Or the dishes that get a good rinse but haven't gotten around to the scrub.
I just need a good dose of reality. How do I juggle being Mom of the year + Wife of the century + Nurse of the universe + Callie. How do I be 100% in every department because I'm not sure I can settle for much less than that.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Mormon Message: Wierd Dreams and a Testimony.
Last night I had the most bizarre dream.
Something to do with singing "Santa is Coming to Town" in the middle of our church sacrament meeting and then having young children come up to ask for my autograph in their scriptures.
Blame it on the pregnancy hormones. I'm not sure.
Anyway, as I went about my day I thought more about my dream and somehow it inspired me to write about church today. I promise no singing will be involved.
I keep waiting for the day that the bishop is going to ask me and Caden to speak in Sacrament meeting. We have been in that ward for over a year and have still missed that dreaded phone call. We've been under the radar. However, almost weekly I think about what I might say if they asked me to speak and how I can narrow my love for the gospel and my conversion story into just a short 20 minute talk. Seems dang near impossible.
So much has happened within my life and within my conversion story. Times of serious anger towards the church, times of disbelief, times of wonder and curiosity, times of absolute love and adoration, times of doubt and uncertainty and times of absolute truth. One thing is for certain, and that is that my life has been a much easier path having the Gospel and the Lord a part of it.
Growing up, church was something I did as a recreational event. I attended with my friends and would go to Young Women's in hopes of learning a new craft, with no real intent in growing spiritually. I don't remember any real great moments that I "felt the spirit" and I remember my friends being forced to go by their parents and asking me to come along as their entertainment.
As I got older, several personal events in my life and in my families life lead me to strongly dislike the church. I became angry with church leaders and church members and couldn't understand why my family was outcast because of things we did, or believe. I stuck behind my family and developed feelings of rejection and did not want to be a part of something that my family could not be a part of. I bad mouthed the religion and I said terrible things about those who practiced Mormonism faithfully. I tried to disprove things and I argued with people who didn't have answers to my tough questions. The more I tried to disprove the religion, the more angry I felt about it.
A few years before I met Caden, I developed an attitude similar to Agnostic. I was still a spiritual person and prayed when I needed comfort. However, I didn't attend any sort of church and I wasn't sure my beliefs beyond death. I believed in being a good person and treating others with love and respect, but didn't believe a building on Sunday is where I needed to spend my time. I spent my time with others who had no real spiritual direction and dated people with the same ideas as me.
And I felt empty.
As I grew older and thought about raising children, I wanted them to have a place to learn about God. I wanted them to experience the innocence of being a child and the love for a Heavenly Father. I wanted to do things as a family, like night-time prayer and family nights on the town. All these things resembling an LDS faith. My heart wanted to be a "Molly-Mormon-Mom" but my wild teenage days were so against it. I struggled with the idea of being a Mormon back and forth. I investigated and I read articles by ex-Mormons and their reasoning for leaving the church. I watched YouTube videos on the religion and I researched heavily the ideas and beliefs of the religion.
And then I met Caden. I knew Caden had a love for the gospel and I was afraid of that. I wanted to spend time with him, but was afraid of what he might think of my beliefs. Not once did Caden push me to come to church, and not once did Caden shove his ideas into my head. He let me be me and he was him, and that is the best thing that could have happened for my testimony. As I spent more time with Caden and his family, not only did I see the love in their home but I felt it. It was a happy place to be and I enjoyed spending my time there. One Sunday I asked if I could join them for church and I haven't gone back to the old ways since.
I developed a love for the Gospel. I saw and felt things in a new way. I thought about raising a family in the Gospel and I thought about marrying a man who had a love for God. I thought about the goals of a Mormon family and it was something that I craved about anything else.
I don't remember what day or what time or what month, but eventually I was converted. I wanted nothing more than to be a part of the church. I met with my bishop and I confessed absolutely everything in my past. I told him about my party days, dating history, previous feelings about the church, etc. He didn't ask details and he didn't ask questions. He let me talk and cry and then he asked my feelings about the church today. I told him how much it has made my life better, how more clean and pure I feel, how I feel excited about the future and about raising a family, and how excited I am about this new boy in my life. The bishop cried with me and welcomed me back to church.
And I haven't looked back since.
It's been a bumpy ride. I've had serious lows, and I've had extreme highs. I've gone from close to hate to absolute love for the Gospel. Of course, I still struggle with things and I continually ask questions to learn. But, I know that what I am doing is the best thing for me and that is something that I will cherish forever.
Amen.
Something to do with singing "Santa is Coming to Town" in the middle of our church sacrament meeting and then having young children come up to ask for my autograph in their scriptures.
Blame it on the pregnancy hormones. I'm not sure.
Anyway, as I went about my day I thought more about my dream and somehow it inspired me to write about church today. I promise no singing will be involved.
I keep waiting for the day that the bishop is going to ask me and Caden to speak in Sacrament meeting. We have been in that ward for over a year and have still missed that dreaded phone call. We've been under the radar. However, almost weekly I think about what I might say if they asked me to speak and how I can narrow my love for the gospel and my conversion story into just a short 20 minute talk. Seems dang near impossible.
So much has happened within my life and within my conversion story. Times of serious anger towards the church, times of disbelief, times of wonder and curiosity, times of absolute love and adoration, times of doubt and uncertainty and times of absolute truth. One thing is for certain, and that is that my life has been a much easier path having the Gospel and the Lord a part of it.
Growing up, church was something I did as a recreational event. I attended with my friends and would go to Young Women's in hopes of learning a new craft, with no real intent in growing spiritually. I don't remember any real great moments that I "felt the spirit" and I remember my friends being forced to go by their parents and asking me to come along as their entertainment.
As I got older, several personal events in my life and in my families life lead me to strongly dislike the church. I became angry with church leaders and church members and couldn't understand why my family was outcast because of things we did, or believe. I stuck behind my family and developed feelings of rejection and did not want to be a part of something that my family could not be a part of. I bad mouthed the religion and I said terrible things about those who practiced Mormonism faithfully. I tried to disprove things and I argued with people who didn't have answers to my tough questions. The more I tried to disprove the religion, the more angry I felt about it.
A few years before I met Caden, I developed an attitude similar to Agnostic. I was still a spiritual person and prayed when I needed comfort. However, I didn't attend any sort of church and I wasn't sure my beliefs beyond death. I believed in being a good person and treating others with love and respect, but didn't believe a building on Sunday is where I needed to spend my time. I spent my time with others who had no real spiritual direction and dated people with the same ideas as me.
And I felt empty.
As I grew older and thought about raising children, I wanted them to have a place to learn about God. I wanted them to experience the innocence of being a child and the love for a Heavenly Father. I wanted to do things as a family, like night-time prayer and family nights on the town. All these things resembling an LDS faith. My heart wanted to be a "Molly-Mormon-Mom" but my wild teenage days were so against it. I struggled with the idea of being a Mormon back and forth. I investigated and I read articles by ex-Mormons and their reasoning for leaving the church. I watched YouTube videos on the religion and I researched heavily the ideas and beliefs of the religion.
And then I met Caden. I knew Caden had a love for the gospel and I was afraid of that. I wanted to spend time with him, but was afraid of what he might think of my beliefs. Not once did Caden push me to come to church, and not once did Caden shove his ideas into my head. He let me be me and he was him, and that is the best thing that could have happened for my testimony. As I spent more time with Caden and his family, not only did I see the love in their home but I felt it. It was a happy place to be and I enjoyed spending my time there. One Sunday I asked if I could join them for church and I haven't gone back to the old ways since.
I developed a love for the Gospel. I saw and felt things in a new way. I thought about raising a family in the Gospel and I thought about marrying a man who had a love for God. I thought about the goals of a Mormon family and it was something that I craved about anything else.
I don't remember what day or what time or what month, but eventually I was converted. I wanted nothing more than to be a part of the church. I met with my bishop and I confessed absolutely everything in my past. I told him about my party days, dating history, previous feelings about the church, etc. He didn't ask details and he didn't ask questions. He let me talk and cry and then he asked my feelings about the church today. I told him how much it has made my life better, how more clean and pure I feel, how I feel excited about the future and about raising a family, and how excited I am about this new boy in my life. The bishop cried with me and welcomed me back to church.
And I haven't looked back since.
It's been a bumpy ride. I've had serious lows, and I've had extreme highs. I've gone from close to hate to absolute love for the Gospel. Of course, I still struggle with things and I continually ask questions to learn. But, I know that what I am doing is the best thing for me and that is something that I will cherish forever.
Amen.
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