Mormonism.

I've struggled with the LDS faith my entire life.
All 24 years.

I grew up in a non-religious family.  When I was young, my parents were active.  My dad got into some drugs and was ex-communicated.  My mom stayed active and attended all the lessons.   Eventually, she decided to be sealed to her three young girls.   She went to her bishop and explained her request.   Denied.   She was told she wasn't allowed to be sealed without the priesthood in our home.   After that day, she stopped going to church.

When I was in elementary school, my friends were all active.  The neighborhood kids all attended church and had fun activities and events that I wanted to be a part of.  I put on a skirt and walked to church each Sunday morning with my best friend.   I wasn't sure what was being taught and I didn't understand much of the lesson.  I knew about Jesus but the rest was over my head.  I remember having a lot of fun at church, though, but feeling out of place and very behind.   I was confused and uncomfortable. 

When I was in high school, dating became a big part of my life.  Most of the people asking me on dates were Mormon.  I was still curious about the religion and I wanted to learn more.  I signed up for seminary and I attended faithfully all three years.  I learned, I read my scriptures and I prayed for answers.   I liked a lot of the things the church had to offer and there were some really great things and ideas the church was doing for the community.   

One day during seminary, we discussed homosexuality.   The class discussion did not go well and I left feeling very offended.  I teared up during class, I felt assaulted and ridiculed.  I felt hurt and embarrassed.  I felt exposed and vulnerable.   I felt awful.   I wrote a letter to my seminary teacher and described how I was feeling, he apologized and the next day of class the lecture was handled in a completely different manner.   I left feeling better, but still upset and unsure.

After graduating, I dated a mormon for 2 years.  We talked a lot about marriage and what we wanted.  I was toying with the idea of a temple marriage and if that was something I wanted.  Of course I would love to be with my family in the after life, but my family includes my parents and siblings, not just a husband and children.  My parents are divorced and not sealed in the temple.  My sister is gay.   Neither option allows for a temple sealing.   Neither option allows for me to be with my family for time and all eternity, according the the LDS faith. 

Now, 24 years old, and I'm not a Mormon. 

I don't believe in the Mormon religion and

I don't believe in the things that are taught.  

Dating has been a huge struggle for me and I feel frustrated and discouraged.   I'm a girl of morals and standards, goals and dreams.  I'm confident, proud and accepting.  I'm close with my family and open hearted.  However, I'm turned away and not given the opportunity because I'm not a Mormon.   I'm pushed aside because I don't believe.   

I feel discouraged.

Hurt.

Ashamed.

Upset.

I feel not good enough because I'm not Mormon.
..and I don't think God would like it that way.