Hospice Nursing.

Today was my first day of Hospice Nursing. 

After my long journey of admiring nurses, being accepted into nursing school, admiring hospice nurses, becoming a nurse myself, and then leaving Intermountain to join a Hospice Team... I'm finally here.   I'm a hospice nurse and I CANNOT believe it.  

I simply can't. 

It's always been a goal of mine to be a hospice nurse.   I don't know what led me to that idea.  I've never done hospice nursing or had any experience with it, however I knew it was something I always wanted to do.  

And I was right. 

After my first official day, I can say that hospice nursing is exactly what I hoped it would be. 

For the first time in two years, I'm excited again about being a nurse.  And that feels really great. 

Hospice is the nurse I want to be.  I want to spend all of my time and attention on one patient at a time.  I want to make my patient comfortable, pain-free and relaxed. I want to talk to my patient about their goals and their hopes for the end of their life. I want to help them transition to that point and be there for them through the process. I want to be a tool for the family as they, too, experience the stages of dying and grief. I want to be the one they call when they need advice or help. I want to know what my patient might like, hate and love. I want to know that patient and be their nurse for the rest of their life. 

And I get to. 

And that makes my heart SO happy.  

Hospice and me are going to be a really great fit, and I'm really excited I'm finally here.   

Nursing: Burnt Out.

Being a nurse is such a struggle for me.  

I loved nursing and I thought it was a perfect fit for me.  I loved the idea of taking care of people who need me, treating them with respect and helping them in any way that I can.  

Working as a nursing assistant, I loved showering people and making them feel refreshed.  I loved tucking them into a bed with clean sheets and getting them a warm blanket.  I loved straightening up their room and making things look neat and tidy.

However, working as a nurse I don't feel that same reward.  As a nurse, I feel like I pass pills all day long.  I don't feel like I get to spend much time with the patient because I'm worried about the next pill that is due for the neighbor next door.   I'm worried about paper work, charting and rounding with the doctors.  I'm worried about vital sign trends, assessment findings and my patient load.  

It's hard.
...and I don't find it very rewarding.

I don't feel like I get to know my patient, but rather know them as a room number and diagnosis.

I very hate that.

I never wanted to be the nurse who didn't know about my patient on a personal level.  I never wanted to be the nurse who didn't know the patient's name, or their spouse's name, or where they worked, or what they enjoyed.

But, I am.  
I'm that nurse.

Because I don't feel like I have the time to get to know my patient.  I can't spend a solid hour with one patient like I could when I was a CNA.   I can't visit with my patient, because time doesn't allow it.

And it's frustrating.

Sometimes I feel like that makes me a bad nurse.   Like I should be better at budgeting my time.  Like I should do more, and prioritize better.  

Maybe I've been working in an acute setting too long.  Maybe I'm burnt out.   Maybe my company is requiring too much of me, without any more reward.   It doesn't seem worth it anymore.  It doesn't seem like it's a perfect fit for me anymore.

And that makes me sad.

Real sad.