Nursing: Burnt Out.

Being a nurse is such a struggle for me.  

I loved nursing and I thought it was a perfect fit for me.  I loved the idea of taking care of people who need me, treating them with respect and helping them in any way that I can.  

Working as a nursing assistant, I loved showering people and making them feel refreshed.  I loved tucking them into a bed with clean sheets and getting them a warm blanket.  I loved straightening up their room and making things look neat and tidy.

However, working as a nurse I don't feel that same reward.  As a nurse, I feel like I pass pills all day long.  I don't feel like I get to spend much time with the patient because I'm worried about the next pill that is due for the neighbor next door.   I'm worried about paper work, charting and rounding with the doctors.  I'm worried about vital sign trends, assessment findings and my patient load.  

It's hard.
...and I don't find it very rewarding.

I don't feel like I get to know my patient, but rather know them as a room number and diagnosis.

I very hate that.

I never wanted to be the nurse who didn't know about my patient on a personal level.  I never wanted to be the nurse who didn't know the patient's name, or their spouse's name, or where they worked, or what they enjoyed.

But, I am.  
I'm that nurse.

Because I don't feel like I have the time to get to know my patient.  I can't spend a solid hour with one patient like I could when I was a CNA.   I can't visit with my patient, because time doesn't allow it.

And it's frustrating.

Sometimes I feel like that makes me a bad nurse.   Like I should be better at budgeting my time.  Like I should do more, and prioritize better.  

Maybe I've been working in an acute setting too long.  Maybe I'm burnt out.   Maybe my company is requiring too much of me, without any more reward.   It doesn't seem worth it anymore.  It doesn't seem like it's a perfect fit for me anymore.

And that makes me sad.

Real sad.