I'm an emotional mess. And I'm not even entirely sure why.
This morning I spoke with my bosses about going part-time. I had mentally prepared what I wanted to say and some good key points to bring up. But, once the conversation got going I couldn't help fight back the tears.
I love hospice. That's no secret. It's a hundred percent the kind of nursing I've always wanted to do. I love everything about what hospice means and I love the care we provide for the patient and their family.
However, working full time as a hospice nurse is hard.
And even harder when you are raising a young family home.
I'm struggling trying to manage it all. I'm trying to give my patients my attention and the time they deserve, and sometimes that means I don't get home until 6:30 or I chart at home until
8pm. And that's really hard. Because that means that those hours are taken away from my babies and my husband who mean more to me than anyone else on this world.
I can't find a happy balance between patient load and family life. I feel like all areas of my life are getting 50% of my attention, and I'm only doing things part way. When I am with my family, I'm thinking about work. When I'm with a patient, I'm missing my husband and kids. When I'm a church, I'm wishing I'm home asleep because I'm so tired.
I would like to blame this on pregnancy hormones and laugh it off that I'm all out of whack, but I think these are honest and true feelings. I'm torn between two things I love dearly, and of course I'm going to pick my family. But, that means financially things may suffer which makes me afraid and scared.
To talk to someone about this seems silly. My support system is fantastic but their problems are so much more than mine. I've got a best friend who struggles with fertility. My other best friend is suffering from pulmonary hypertension and awaiting a lung transplant. My sister is dealing with a troubled teen who is doing drugs. My mom just called off her engagement. These problems are so much more than me wanting to spend time with my family. And I feel silly for worrying about such silly things.
I feel alone. Scared. Unsure what to do.
My husband has been a rock through my emotions. He is incredibly supportive and kind and loving. I just don't know that he has any answers. And neither do I. And maybe there aren't any. Maybe I just need to cry about it and get it out and tomorrow is a new day.
So, I'll hug my babies and my husband. And I'll care for my patients. And I'll do my best to worry less, because my problems are so minimal and my life is good.
Real good.
