I'm an emotional mess. And I'm not even entirely sure why.
This morning I spoke with my bosses about going part-time. I had mentally prepared what I wanted to say and some good key points to bring up. But, once the conversation got going I couldn't help fight back the tears.
I love hospice. That's no secret. It's a hundred percent the kind of nursing I've always wanted to do. I love everything about what hospice means and I love the care we provide for the patient and their family.
However, working full time as a hospice nurse is hard.
And even harder when you are raising a young family home.
I'm struggling trying to manage it all. I'm trying to give my patients my attention and the time they deserve, and sometimes that means I don't get home until 6:30 or I chart at home until
8pm. And that's really hard. Because that means that those hours are taken away from my babies and my husband who mean more to me than anyone else on this world.
I can't find a happy balance between patient load and family life. I feel like all areas of my life are getting 50% of my attention, and I'm only doing things part way. When I am with my family, I'm thinking about work. When I'm with a patient, I'm missing my husband and kids. When I'm a church, I'm wishing I'm home asleep because I'm so tired.
I would like to blame this on pregnancy hormones and laugh it off that I'm all out of whack, but I think these are honest and true feelings. I'm torn between two things I love dearly, and of course I'm going to pick my family. But, that means financially things may suffer which makes me afraid and scared.
To talk to someone about this seems silly. My support system is fantastic but their problems are so much more than mine. I've got a best friend who struggles with fertility. My other best friend is suffering from pulmonary hypertension and awaiting a lung transplant. My sister is dealing with a troubled teen who is doing drugs. My mom just called off her engagement. These problems are so much more than me wanting to spend time with my family. And I feel silly for worrying about such silly things.
I feel alone. Scared. Unsure what to do.
My husband has been a rock through my emotions. He is incredibly supportive and kind and loving. I just don't know that he has any answers. And neither do I. And maybe there aren't any. Maybe I just need to cry about it and get it out and tomorrow is a new day.
So, I'll hug my babies and my husband. And I'll care for my patients. And I'll do my best to worry less, because my problems are so minimal and my life is good.
Real good.
3 comments:
I always sort of laughed that people compared their trials to others to make them seem more trivial. It's like if the opposite was said, "you can't be happy because someone else is happier." Seems silly, right? Callie, your problems are not any less valid or important than your friends or your family who are struggling with trails as well. Different, yes. More important, no. What's important to you and your family is all that matters. Ultimately, it's your life and you need to do what's best for you and yours. You are the type of person who puts others before yourself, evident by your career choice, and it's so admirable, really, to be so selfless. I hope that you're able to make the right decisions for you and your cute family without regret. They are incredibly lucky to have someone like you who loves them so much.
Ash,
Thank you so much for your comment. I love that analogy you used and comparing it to being happy. You are right, we all have different trials and it's a great way to look at things. Thank you for your input. I REALLY appreciate it. ❤️
I'm right there with you! It's hard to be a working mom! I've thought about either trying to find something part-time/quitting and just going into student debt, but it's a hard decision to make, especially when we're counselled to stay out of debt.
Working from home (like your charting till late) just rips you apart because you know you have obligations, but family really does just take precedence and you can't seem to not feel guilty all the time!
I hope you figure it out and let us know how you handle it all! You're not alone in this! Also, like Ashley said, you're amazing and I'm sure what feels like 50% to you feels like 200% to Caden and Hazel.
I do the same thing with people's trials (I'm sure you're vaguely aware of some of my fam's issues too), and honestly, that's how I sometimes can use the atonement. It's like, "Wow, they are struggling too, much more, and if they can bear that I can bear this." You know?
Thanks for writing this. It's like you wrote from my brain.
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