19 days: Soaking up the Moments.

As the days get closer to Hazel's deliver, people ask me if I'm ready to have this baby.

Yes and No.

Yes, I would love to meet baby Hazel and hold her and squeeze her and finally see what she truly looks like.  Yes, I would love to dress her up in all the fun clothes and to do her hair a thousand different times a day.  

But No, I'm not ready to give up the time I have with her.  Our one on one time is something I will forever treasure and I will miss terribly once she is no longer with my 24 hours a day.   I will miss her tiny little feet and playing chase with them across my tummy.  I will miss her movements all day long and the constant reminder that she is safe and alive inside.  I will miss her baby hiccups that always make me smile.  I will miss the way Caden rubs my belly and how he talks to her and tells her how pretty she is.   

I love being pregnant, and it's bitter sweet for me that it is coming to an end.

No longer is our time husband and wife time.  We now have a baby that requires a good chunk of our time.  Our lives are forever changed.  We are forever parents, for the rest of eternity.  We now have to plan date nights around baby-sitters and plan our work schedules in a way that allows Hazel to be with one of us as much as possible.  

It's a weird transition, from Husband-Wife to Family.   

Of course, I'm thrilled to be a mother and to raise a family.   I've got this overwhelming desire to provide for a family and to do motherly things with my children.  I admire those parents who surround their lives around their children--going to the park, the zoo, the theme parks, the pond, the climbing gym, etc.   I admire those who do crafts with their children and send packed lunch to school with a note attached reminding them how much they are loved. 

That's the kind of mom I am excited to be and that makes giving up pregnancy a little easier. 
...a little.

So, although I only have 19 days left of pregnancy, I'm trying to enjoy these last moments with Hazel inside and I'm trying to soak up all the enjoyments and funny moments about being pregnant.

I'm told that it only gets more and more fun as they grow, so I'm soaking up each step of the way.

Father's Day : mixed emotions.

Mixed emotions on this Fathers Day.   

Fathers Day has usually been a difficult holiday for my family growing up.  Just a giant day to remind us that our Dad isn't here.  It's usually full of tears a heart ache and a lot of difficult emotions.   

Not knowing or remembering my dad makes these emotions even more confusing.   How can I be so sad and miss someone so much who I don't even remember, or really know?  

This year, we have now lost both sets of my Grandpas.   My moms Dad, as well as my Dads Dad.   We are a family without Dads, making Fathers Day a bummer of a holiday.  

And then I turn my frown upside down and I am reminded of my mother, who was a mother AND a father.  Who raised us three girls to be very strong and very independent.   

I'm reminded of my uncles and cousins who have been the "men of the house" when we needed some muscle, or some rough and tough in our lives.  

And, of course, I'm reminded of my incredible husband who is just 23 days away from being a father.   Just that sentence makes my eyes tear with joy. NOTHING makes me happier than raising children with Cade.   He is so very patient and kind, with such a love for anything fun, exciting and child-related.   He has the biggest heart and has been so loving towards me during this entire pregnancy. 

Watching him talk about Hazel and seeing his face beam with pride, the way he holds my tummy while we watch TV, when he talks to Hazel and tells her what a "pretty princess" she is, and when he makes plans for the future to include long boarding with her on his back, taking her to Disneyland to meet the princesses, and picnicking on the lawn while she crawls in the grass. 

Father's Day is no longer something to be sad about, because I have been very very blessed.   Although my Dad and grandparents are not physically here, I have the comfort knowing they are around when I need them.  I have a mother who is an incredible and inspiring woman that I look up to in every way, I have men who, although are not my father, they are great role models to me and my sisters, and I have Caden who has been the best example of what a father and a husband can and should be. 

Cheers to Fathers, of all shapes and sizes.  And thanks for making me remember how blessed and loved I truly am.   ❤

Daddy and Daughter.

 

Pictures like this melt my heart on so many levels.   

I tear up every time I think about Caden raising Hazel and what a good Daddy he is going to be.

As a girl we grew up with a true father in her life, I know how crucial it is to have a strong and respectable man in her life.  The things that Caden will teach Hazel is unlike anything I, or anyone else, can teach her.  

A little girl looks up to her daddy and will forever compare all men she dates to her dad.  ...and Caden is such a perfect example of a man I want Hazel to meet. 

The thought of Caden rocking Hazel to sleep, changing her diaper, and picking out her outfits is such an overwhelming feeling of love and happiness.  I can't even comprehend that much bliss. 

I know I say this way too often, and it's mushy and cliche and silly, but I truly am so grateful for Caden and Hazel.   And any other babies to come.   I am so so blessed and so so happy. 

And this picture just makes me way too excited for my own family photo.  

Creating a Plan

Miss Hazel will be here is less than 1 month.   

Holy smokes. 

It still hasn't sunk in that we are having a baby, or that this movement inside me is going to come out.   It's very bizzare but extremely exciting. 

I think often about laboring and what to expect or how it will go.  I think about who I want to be in the room and who I hope comes to visit after.   It's such a special and very exciting time, how do you choose who to include or not include? And how do you do so without hurting feelings? 

I think about all the advice I'll be getting, from anyone who is anyone.   And how much advice I've already gotten: give her a binky, don't give her a binky, wake her every 4 hours, never wake a sleeping baby, breast-feed, supplement, pump, offer the breast, stay home as long as possible, return to work at 6 weeks, work days, work nights, etc. etc. 

It's all contradicting information and it's all so very overwhelming.  Of course I want to be the best Mom I can, and so I read a lot of websites and ask for advice frequently but it's difficult weeding out the bull crap and choosing a plan that works best for us. 

I'm told that Hazel and us will figure it out together, and Caden and I will come up with a plan that works for our family.   

...I just pray that plan develops quickly.  

4 more weeks and counting.

Xo

Safe in the Womb.

People often ask me if I'm counting down the days until I deliver, or if I'm dying to get this baby out of me.   

Truth is, I prefer her to stay inside up until her due date.   

At least in the womb, I know where she is at all times.  I know who is talking to her, who is being mean to her, who is making her upset.  I know what she is doing, and the crowd she is hanging out with.  

I like her in the womb, free from all the crazy in this world and all that can and may corrupt this innocent little mind of hers.  

Yes, I prefer her to keep baking until July 9th.  And then after that, I'll lock her in a tall tower free from harm. 

....kidding.

Hobbies: don't got 'em.

Caden is big on hobbies.  And when he does something, he does it with all his might.  He researches it, finds the best product, buys every edition possible, researches it some more and gets all his friends invested: Magic the Gathering, long boarding, League of Legends, etc. 

I, however, have zero hobbies. Besides cooking and cleaning the house, my fun is pretty limited.   (I love to cook and clean the house, makes me feel all domestic.)   So, when Caden is gone to work, I feel like a lost pup.   What to do with my free time?!   

I've been a student at WSU for the past 8 years.  My free time consisted of making flash cards and memorizing anything and everything related to the medical field.   Now that chapter of my life is over and I don't know where to pick up with the next.  

I'm hoping baby will entertain my day while Caden is away, but until then, I'm going slightly stir crazy...

35 more days.

This week has been an emotional week for me.  I've come to realize that Miss Hazel is making her big debut in just 5 weeks and, of course I'm excited, but also I'm sad for pregnancy to end. 

I have loved everything about being pregnant.  I love rubbing my tummy, I love feeling her kick, I love watching her grow, I love that she depends only on me for her needs, I love that she is safe inside with nothing to harm or corrupt her, I love that she is always with me in a that I do.   I'm not sure I'm ready for this stage to be over and I want more time with her, just me and Haze.   

It's such a bizzare feeling knowing Caden and I will be parents, and what a change that will be to our routine.  I have been reading parenting books and trying to get advice from anyone and everyone, but how do you truly prepare for this type of event? It's such a big, big change and I pray that we are ready. 

Picturing Caden with Hazel makes me cry every. single. time.   Nothing makes me happier than knowing Caden is the daddy of this baby.  He is the man of her world and will be her first love, her first main squeeze.  He is the one to teach her about respect, and dating, and how to longboard.   He has already been watching YouTube videos to learn how to braid her hair and he's researched how to put together an outfit: shirt, skirt, leggings.   He holds my belly while we drive, while we sleep, and while we watch TV and every time she kicks, he is the proudest most happiest pappa.  He is already such an incredible father and I'm so grateful that we are in this together.  

As much as I love being pregnant, I pray that each step of parenting is just as fun. I'm told that each step gets more fun and I can't imagine having MORE love for Hazel than I already do.   

5 more weeks, a few more pounds, and hours of labor until this little gem is here. Until then, I'll enjoy my 24-7 time with Miss Hazel May.