My Protection.

Sometimes you need a really great talk with a
long lost friend, mostly to clear your head
and vent away some things.  

That's what happened last night, with my friend I've had for 5-ish years.   It's a weird relationship, her and I.  We've been friends and I know she would do anything for me, but I see her maybe once ever 3 months.   Yet, she still knows how to make me feel like the most important friend on her list. 

We got some ice cream and sat outside and talked.  And talked some more.  And talked some more.   About love, life, and the pursuit of happiness.   

And I realized, that I'm not a lover.  I've got big giant walls that I don't let down.   Relationships are fun for me, and I like to feel safe and comfortable.  But, once I get to a certain point I pull away and I put my guard up and I leave before he can leave me.  I run before he can hurt me. 

I never realized I did this until last night.  
And I never realized why I do this until last night.

Jess:  "Do you think maybe it has something to do with your Dad?"
Me: Stunned.  "Ohhhhhh."

Why haven't I thought of this before?
Of course it does.  I've got anxiety about the men leaving in my life.  So I don't let myself get attached and I protect myself from being hurt.  I leave before they can leave me.  And in some twisted, messed up, distorted way, this makes sense to my heart.  

But to my head,
it makes things much worse.