AA Emotions.

My heart is full tonight.

I attended an AA meeting with my sister to celebrate her 30 days sobriety.   I didn't know she was an alcoholic until a few months ago, when she came to my mom in desire attempt for help.  To see her tonight sober was amazing, but what's more amazing is to see her proud of herself.   I have seen her down and depressed, and it's not the way you hope to see your big sister.    Tonight she had a light about her that made me so proud and I pray she continues on the path of sobriety.

My Dad was an alcoholic and an addict.   For years and years.   He ended his trial in suicide, leaving behind a single mom and 3 small children.   I am glad Cass has chose to turn right when Dad turned left.

After the meeting, I spoke with my mom about her life as the wife of an alcoholic and an addict.   I can't comprehend the strength and courage that takes, to stay with a spouse and try to raise a family but living in fear.   My mom talks about being afraid to leave us girls with dad, or trusting dad with money or car keys.   She feared us going to school because drug dealers threatened to harm her kids if Dad didn't pay his drug bill.  

This life doesn't seem like MY life.  I can't comprehend these things happening to my own family.

Addiction is real, and it's scary.   It can happen to anyone at any time and that's terrifying.   I felt so many emotions tonight at the AA meeting, and I was touched by so many amazing hearts.    AA is such a great support system and I dream of living in a world where that love and support is everywhere.   I felt so accepted, without any judgments or fears.   It's a safe zone to share and to be open and honest, and I pray we can all learn to be that accepting and loving of one another in our raw forms.

I'm proud of my sister, and I am so grateful that she has chosen to get help.  She deserves a life worth living because she is truly amazing.  

My Faith in the Book of Mormon

Although I grew up inactive, the Book of Mormon has always been a part of my life.  I was baptized at age 8, where I received my first copy.  It sat atop my closet, not really touched or read.  

I attended church sporadically, mostly with friends and socially.  Once I turned 12, my Young Women’s leader brought over another Book of Mormon.  She left it on my doorstep and when I opened it, it had her testimony inside.  I remember thinking how sweet it was that she had taken the time to write her testimony inside and how great it was that she had brought me over another Book of Mormon to add to my collection.

In High School, I signed up for seminary with other friends of mine, and watched them as they opened their scriptures that were highlighted and marked and referenced.  I was envious of their worn scriptures as I looked at mine, still brightly shining and smelling new.   As I started dating, I met an active boy who was preparing for a mission.  We wrote his entire mission and he would send me care packages from Germany.  Inside one care package, was another Book of Mormon.  This one also had his testimony written inside, but also highlighted scriptures—just like the girls in seminary.  He had taken the time to reference scriptures and bookmark his favorites.   And there it sat, atop my closet next to my collection. Occasionally I would take them down, flip through them and try to understand what I was reading.  But, not really absorbing what I had read or understanding what any of it meant.  I couldn’t understand how members read scriptures daily, or how they studied them, or what it was that I, personally, needed to learn.

President Gordon B. Hinckley (1910–2008) made this promise to you: “Here you are on the threshold of your mature lives. You … worry about school. You worry about marriage. You worry about many things. I make you a promise that God will not forsake you if you will walk in His paths with the guidance of His commandments.” 

So I read and then I stopped.  And I read, and then I stopped.  And I struggled with the material, and I was unsure of what I was reading.   And I now know what it was I was missing---Faith.   Faith in the Book of Mormon and the faith that it is true.  

Elder Todd Christofferson is quoted as saying “The central purpose of all scripture is to fill our souls with faith in God the Father and in His Son, Jesus Christ.

But what is faith?  And how does one GAIN faith?

Elder Quinton L Cook gave a talk in 2008 “Strengthening Faith as You Seek Knowledge”.  

He breaks down Faith into 5  steps.

1. Understand that their truly is opposition in all things.  

The choices you make are critical.

Prior to meeting Caden, I didn’t have much direction in life.  I knew I wanted to be a nurse and how I was going to do that.  However, I had no eternal plan.   I made choices that affect me eternal salvation frequently. 

As Caden and I got closer, and we talked more seriously about marriage and our relationship goals, we realized how important it was to both of us that we had an eternal family.  I wanted my children to have the gospel not just be a part of their lives, but to completely consume them.  I wanted to live a life that completely encompassed the gospel. 

But, how do we get there? Where do we start? 

2. Strenghten your testimony as a foundation for all the choices you make.

I met with my YSA bishop and I got to work.  We discussed my personal goals, and the goals of Caden and I together.   And his advice to me was simple: Read your scriptures, Say daily prayer, and attend all your meetings.  Scriptures. There it was again.  But, I had tried this before and it didn’t work.   I decided to give it another try.  I pulled down the scriptures hiding in my closet and opened to the first page.  I began reading just a verse a day and then a chapter a day.  It felt different than the first time, and I understood more than I had before.  My faith had already grown in just a few short months, and I could feel the difference once I began to read.

3. Seek knowledge diligiently, wisely and humbly.

I began asking more questions and getting more answers. I started saying daily prayer before I would read, and finish with a night prayer to help me remember the things I had learned.  I became hungry for knowledge and wanted to absorb as much as I could.  Caden and I took a seminary class together at Weber State, and we attended a Family and Relations class through his home ward.  The more I attended, the more answers I got.  My faith now was real and it was constant.  I was receiving answers to prayers, direction in my life and guidance as to what the next step would be.  

As we continued our scripture study, we learned to grow as a couple.  Caden would text me versus he read that night and I would respond with what it meant to me personally.  He would send his interpretation. We not only grew as a couple, but our testimony had grown exponentially in just a few short months.   It was FAITH that kept us reading, and FAITH that helped us towards our goals of an eternal marriage and a forever family. 

Caden and I finished the Book of Mormon together the night before we were scheduled to be sealed for time and all eternity.

4. Follow your prophet as you make your choices.

So, we finished the Book of Mormon.   But, scripture study is not over.  Elder Cook suggests we Follow the Prophet to strengthen our faith and what better way to follow the prophet than to study his current revelation by reading the ensign and listening to conference.  As a Mom of two little girls, life gets hectic. So, a great way for me to study the scriptures is to listen to a conference talk in the mornings as I get ready.  

Joseph Fielding Smith: “When one of the brethren stands before a congregation of the people today, and the inspiration of the Lord is upon him, he speaks that which the Lord would have him speak. It is just as much scripture as anything you will find written in any of these records, and yet we call these the standard works of the Church… the word of the Lord, as spoken by other servant,  is just as much the word of the Lord as the writings and the words of other prophets in other dispensations” 

5. Live so the atonement can fully efficacious in your life.

Flash forward 4 years, and we now have a beautiful growing family. My faith in the scriptures is strong and ever growing.  My faith in the gospel is solid and continues to be solid.   We have two children who have been born into the covenant and are sealed to us for time and all eternity.  I have a husband who holds the priesthood and the knowledge and strength that brings to our family. And I have a love for my savior, for the gospel and for my ever-growing testimony.   And I have a love for the scriptures, for modern day prophets and for this church.  

Isan S. Arden is quoted from the Ensign saying:   “As we engage with God in sincere prayer, read and study each day from the scriptures, ponder on what we have read and felt, and then apply and live the lessons learned, we draw nearer to Him.

God’s promise is that as we seek diligently from the best books,

 ‘[He] shall give unto [us] knowledge by his Holy Spirit’

I understand, now, why reading was so difficult in highschool, and prior to meeting my Caden and becoming active again in the church. At that time, I wasn’t living the gospel, I didn’t have the spirit with me and I hadn’t said any prayers.  I was reading the Book of Mormon in the way I read Harry Potter.  Page by Page with no pondering and no faith that what I was reading was true.  With no FAITH.

I knew how to read the scriptures, page by page and line by line.  But, I didn’t know how to really study the scriptures.  

So, how do you do it? Where do you start? 

Step 1—Make a commitment.   Like picking up a book of Harry Potter, I had agreed to read the Book of Mormon.  I didn’t know how much I was going to read, or how often, but I had committed to reading the entire thing.  

Step 2—Start Where You Are.   Coming from an inactive home, with no family home evening and no regular church attendance, I didn’t have a solid foundation in the church.  I didn’t grow up knowing the Book of Mormon stories and I was literally starting from basics.  And that’s okay.  I was starting from ground zero, but it was a start.  

Step 3—Pray and Seek the Spirit.   Reading cover to cover doesn’t help and I didn’t learn anything without the spirit with me.  I needed to pray, I needed the spirit to guide my path and to help me understand what it was that I was reading. 

Step 4—Set Goals.   I started with just a verse a day, then a chapter, and then I was reading more than a chapter at a time.  It was a slow start, and sometimes I had to read and re-read and read again, but I was setting goals to read the Book of Mormon and I wanted to achieve it.

Step 5—Personal Application.   I learned personal application best through seminary.  I had an amazing seminary teacher who wouldn’t just teach us Book of Mormon stories, but who would than apply it to my current life.  It is amazing to me that one story can apply to me as a pre-teen, then later again as a high school student, then later again as a newlywed and then later again as a mom of two children.   The story is the same, but it means something a little different each time I read it.

 

Step 6---Take Notes.    I think back often to the girls in my seminary class and their Book of Mormons full of color and highlights.  It was a symbol of really diving into the scriptures, to absorb the stories and to learn from them.  Taking notes is a great way to remember what the sprit was testifying at the time of reading, or what was learned or felt in that moments.

And again, the last step.  Step 7—Have Faith.   This is the step I was missing from the beginning, the step I wasn’t sure how to obtain. Have faith that the scriptures are true.  That the spirit is truly testifying of its truthfulness and that we can truly rely on the gospel.

(True to the Faith: A Gospel Reference [2004], 54). “Having faith in Jesus Christ means relying completely on Him—trusting in His infinite power, intelligence, and love. It includes believing His teachings. It means believing that even though you do not understand all things, He does. … He is always ready to help you as you remember His plea: ‘Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not

I don’t always understand all things that I read, that I study or that I learn from the Book of Mormon.  But, HE does.   He is always ready to help us and to teach us and to help us draw nearer to him. I am grateful for FAITH—when I don’t understand all things or I can’t comprehend, I am grateful for the faith that what I am reading is true.  I am grateful for the Book of Mormon, for my ever growing testimony and for my faith in our Lord and Savior.  I’m grateful for my amazing husband who continues to help me learn and helps me grow, and I’m grateful for my beautiful children who are a constant reminder to me of what Heavenly Father must feel for all his children.   

I love this church and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. 

Pride 2016.

Pride weekend always makes me reflect and ponder.

Such a touchy and emotional subject for me--the converse between the LGBT community and the LDS community.   

And my heart lies smack dab in the middle. My sister is gay, and I am an active member of the LDS faith.   

But, each year that I ponder this topic, each year I am a little bit more proud of the huge leaps of acceptance that I see from both sides of the spectrum.

I recently joined a Facebook group called Mormons Building Bridges and I am so happy to see the amazing hearts of LDS members who love the LGBT community.   And members of the LGBT community who still believe and practice the LDS faith.  

It's so beautiful, so inspiring, so amazing.

THIS is what heaven is like, in my world.  People accepting others, people loving others and people being kind to others.  

This last Spring I blessed my daughter in church, and my sister showed up with her girlfriend.   It made my heart melt and so grateful to have her there to support us, despite her different beliefs.  I had Ward members come up to me after to tell me how amazing my family is for accepting one another, and it makes me so grateful. 

Love is love and being kind to one another is the most important rule that Heavenly Father wants us to learn.   And I am so grateful and happy to see us all getting a little bit closer and a little bit more accepting of everyone. 

❤️

Oakley Blessing: Feeling So Loved.

Last Sunday we blessed Oakley Rae.  It was a very emotional day for me.

For the first time, in my entire life, my whole family was in the chapel together.   It was an overwhelming feeling of love, acceptance, and support. 

 My mom isn't active, my oldest sister isn't either, and my middle sister had her records removed from the church.   But, on Sunday, they put their beliefs aside and came to church to support my daughter and that meant so much to me.

 So so much.  

 As soon as I walked into the chapel, I turned to my left and saw all of my family sitting in the pews and I immediately started bawling.  To my right were my in-laws, who have been so supportive of my past and helped my testimony grow in ways I never thought possible.   And right beside me were my two best friends, my Caden and my Janelle.  These two have been my rocks through this entire transition. 

I have never felt more love or more support from all those I love.   

Family means so much to me, and I am so grateful for a family who is so diverse and yet so incredibly supportive of one another.   

I pray my girls can learn to be just as accepting of others and can learn to love those with different beliefs or lifestyles.  

Because, honestly, the world is about loving one another and learning to be kind.   

And Sunday, I felt the most love I have ever felt from all those who mean the most to me.

Bonding over Selfies.

I come from a family who isn't active in the church.  Growing up, our idea of entertainment was drinking wine or playing beer pong.   I went to the bar with my mom and sisters on the weekends and every holiday involved drinking. 

That's still true to this day.   Only, I'm the only one who doesn't drink. I don't go to bars, and I don't like to party.

So, that significantly decreases my social time with my family.  And it's REALLY hard for me.   

I love being with my family and I love to spend time with them.  I don't get invited to the bar, or the parties, or the wild nights because they know that I'm not interested in that anymore.   But, I'm still very interested in being with them.

Just last weekend I saw pictures of the together on Facebook and started crying. 

It's hard having a different lifestyle. 

And I hate feeling left out.   

And I miss that bonding time. 

I feel like I have to pick my beliefs or my family. (I know that's not the case, but that's how my emotions make me feel.) I constantly feel torn, and at a battle with my old lifestyle and my new.   

It's hard.

And it's emotional.

I would never change my family and the lifestyle they've chosen.  It's who they are, and they are wonderful people.   I would also never change the lifestyle I have chose and the decisions I have made because it's made me the happiest I have ever been.  

I just wish I could find a better way to make the two co-exist. 

Because right now, it's harder than it should be.