Father's Day.

Father's day is usually a sad day for me.
I usually spend the day wishing my father were here, angry at the things he did, angry at the life he left, upset at how things ended, and feeling not good enough or loved enough to stick around.  I usually spend majority of the day feeling down, feeling left out, feeling sorry.  I cry and I stew about all the things that aren't in my life.   

This father's day was different.

This father's day I went to lunch with my step-father.  I didn't think about the things he did to our family or the life he chose to live.  We talked about our lives and how things are going.  He listened to me and I listened to him.  It felt warm and inviting and I felt closer to him than I ever have in the 16 years that he was a part of my life.

This father's day I spent the entire day with my Caden.   We went to church and the lesson, of course, was on fathers.   Everything I was being taught filled my heart with happiness.  I learned what an important role Caden is to my future family and I learned how lucky I am to have him a part of my future children's life.  I learned all about his role and how important a father is to a child.    My heart filled with love and with joy knowing that Caden was filling those shoes.  Caden is going to be my husband and the father of my children, and that made this father's day especially important.

This father's day I remember my father and the wonderful man that he is.  I felt closer to him than I ever have, in my entire life.  I was opened to the idea of him being a part of my day.  I felt him in a way that I never have before.  I felt his love, I felt his warmth, I felt his kindness, I felt his support.   He was a part of my day and he always has been.  He's been prying for me to let him in for 24 years, and this father's day I did.    No longer do I feel angry or hurt.  No longer am I mad or upset.  No longer do I feel the victim.    

Now, I feel like the luckiest daughter in the world.  I have my dad with me at all times, in all places, in all things.  I can call on him and he can be there, no matter what the circumstance.   My dad is there to help make decisions and to open my heart to possibilities.  And that's the best father's day present a girl could ever ask for. 

God bless, to all the fathers.  

To my father.  To my step-father.  And to my future children's father.    

Thank you for being a part of my life.