Mormon Message - Feeling Worthy.

Disclaimer:  I almost didn't post this because it's personal and it's close to my heart and it makes me feel super vulnerable.  But, I feel like I need to share so share I will.
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I'm stuck somewhere in the middle.
...and that's never a good place to be.

I know that I don't want to go back to the lifestyle that I had.  I know that I am better than that and I know that I want better than that.  I know that I want an eternal family and I want to live happily ever after with my Caden.  I know that I want a family that prays together.  I want to have a wonderful relationship with God.

What I don't know is, well, LOTS of things.   I don't have a strong testimony.  I don't KNOW that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God.  I don't KNOW that this church is the only true church.  I don't KNOW that there are three levels in the kingdom of heaven.  I don't KNOW a lot of things.   And because of that, I don't always feel worthy.   I don't feel like I'm a true mormon because I have a weak testimony.  

And because of that, I don't feel worthy of a lot of things.

When I think about them, it's obvious to me that I am, of course, worthy of them.  I deserve them.  I'm living a great life and it's obvious to me that I'm just as worthy as the next gal.   However, my initial response is "I can't have those things."  

Caden and I drove past the temple the other day, and he commented on how pretty it is.  My initial thought was that the temple was off limits.   Because it has been my whole entire life.   I never thought I would be a part of the temple.

Later in the week was the first night of school.  Caden got a blessing from his dad and asked me if I wanted one.  Again, my first thought was that I couldn't have one.   I didn't feel worthy enough.  I didn't feel like I deserved one.

Woah.   Talk about a terrible thing to think.

...and to type out loud.

This feeling was getting to me and bothering me.  I talked to Caden about it and he had the most wonderful words of love and encouragement.  He reminded me that Satan works in the worst of ways and Satan knows how to get to me.  Satan knows my weaknesses and he knows exactly how to break me down. 

Yeah, he totally does.

Caden filled me with all of the words that I needed to hear.   He reminded me that I am a Child of God and I am, infact, completely worthy of all of these things and so much more.  

I now know that I can be a part of something magical. 
I deserve to be. 
I can be. 
And I will be.

And that is a huge blessing.