Bleh.

My emotions seem so hard on on edge at all times lately.  I feel like my world is constantly changing, things are unsteady and chaos is permanent.  

Adjusting to two children has hit me harder than I thought it might.   My husband is gone more than he is home.  My siblings and mother are in constant trouble surrounded by heartaches and hecticness.  My in-laws are experiencing an upcoming marriage and soon-to-be missionary.  

I feel like everywhere I go is chaotic and I'm searching for a calm.  

I hate when my husband is gone.   

I hate that I am struggling juggling two children and I want it to be easier than it is.  

I worry about my siblings and mom, and want them to find a relationship that lasts.  For all three of them.

I worry about finances, medical bills, student loans, and working part-time instead of full-time.

I hate cleaning my house, yet I want my house cleaned always. 

And sometimes I cry over chipped nail polish. 

I feel a bit like I'm drowning.  And then I worry that I'm not adequate enough to keep up. 

Maybe just a rough patch.   Maybe a lot of stress.  Maybe a bit of postpartum blues.   But whatever the case, I hope of gets fixed ASAP.  

Oakley's Birth Story.

On Tuesday October 21, I was sitting in CPR class at work.  I started having contractions and they were regular and frequent.   I started timing them and realized they were coming every 2-5 minutes for 2 hours.

Mom and Dad headed to the hospital where I was checked and dilated only to a 1.   They had us walk around the unit for an hour and checked again, still a 1.   Contractions were strong enough to the point of me having to hold onto the railing and breathe through, but not strong enough for any dilation to occur.  They sent us home.

The next morning Mom had an appointment with Dr. Bierer who told me I had dilated to a 3 overnight.   I went home to pack our hospital bags and get things in order for baby to arrive.  Family spent the whole week on-call, thinking I may go into labor at any moment.   Dad worked and had school the next 3 days--Wednesday, Thursday and Friday night. Luckily baby stayed put until Dad was done with his busy week.  

Saturday morning, October 24, water broke at 9:00am.   Mom and Dad grabbed out bags, dropped big sister Hazel off at Aunt Linda's and Great Grandma Delphas and headed to the hospital. 

Unfortunately, McKay-Dee was switching over there entire charting system and things were hectic, to say the least.  Mom and Dad waited in the waiting from for 30 minutes until we had a room and were in the system.   Mom was nervous that things weren't organized and worried that the day may be a bit crazy.  

We headed to our room where we met Grandma Pam, Grandma Sue, Grandpa Curtis, Aunt Sadie and our photographer (Moms elementary best-friend).   

Mom was checked at a 3, and then waited about 2 hours until we were admitted in the computer and started on Pitocin. Nurses kept apologizing for things being so chaotic and it was obvious the frustrations they all had with the computers.  Pitocin was started around 12:00pm and Mom got an epidural around 1:30pm.   

We spent the day relaxing in bed, talking with one another and anticipating baby's arrival. Mom dilated to a 5, and then a 7 around 3:30pm.  

The nurse turned Mom into her side after checking her and Mom felt a great amount of pressure.   Mom got a big urge to push and told the nurse.  The nurse checked her just 2 minutes later and Mom was dilated to a 10.  

Go time!

Dr. Bierer was called and Mom did her best to not push.   Mom did everything she could to hold baby in, squeezing all her muscles and keeping her legs close together until doctor arrived.

Dr. Bierer arrived, scrubbed in and Mom got ready to push.   Half push and baby's head was out, another half push and shoulders were out and then came the rest of baby.

She arrived at 4:32pm weighing 7lb 4oz and 19in long.  Mom and Dad debated all day on the spelling of babies name, but decided finally on Oakley Rae Hall.

Aunt Linda was called and Hazel arrived just shortly after to meet her baby sister. Hazel loved Oakley from the moment she saw her.  She has been kissing on her, loving her, holding her and rubbing her cheeks about every two minutes.  She likes "Okey" to sit by her, and be with her at all times.  She likes to show her off to her daycare friends and she loves to help me dress her.

We planned to go home on Sunday October 25th.  We had our bags packed and was waiting on discharge orders from the pediatrician.   The nurse arrived at 5:00pm and told us Oakley's bilirubin was too high, and she wants us to stay another night to be monitored and have light therapy.   

Bring on the water works.

Mom cried, and cried and cried some more.   Mom didn't have baby-sitters arranged for Hazel, Dad needed to go home and sleep for school the next day, and Mom REALLY wanted to be home as a family.   Dad made a few phone calls and arranged everything: Hazel would sleep at Grandma and Grandpa Halls and spend Monday with Grandma Sue.  Dad would sleep at home, but checked on Mom all through the night.  Before Dad left, he bought Mom some nail polish, a lemonade, some Taco Bell and some redbox movies for the evening.   Mom was set.

Luckily, Moms friend Susan was her post-partum nurse for the night.  Susan spent a lot of time with Mom, helping us breastfeed and making sure Mom was doing okay emotionally.  The evening turned out fine and Oakley spent the night under light therapy.

The next day, we were sent home.  Bilirubin was still high, so we were sent with light therapy.  Dad arrived after class around 2:00pm, Grandpa Curtis brought Hazel up around 3:00pm and we left the hospital at 5pm.  

We headed home as a family of 4, and things have never felt more perfect.  
Raising girls is my favorite thing, and I feel so blessed to have been given the call as a Mother.
Life COULD. NOT. be any better.

Oakley. Sisters. Motherhood.

Yesterday I scheduled my induction day for miss Oakley Rae.   

Holy crap. 

This whole pregnancy has been a blur. When I was pregnant with Hazel, it's all I could think about.  I knew exactly how many weeks pregnant I was, and how many days until her arrival.  I took weekly pictures and read the app everyday to see what she was growing that week. With Oakley, it hasn't been that way.

[And it kind of makes me feel bad.  Like I'm already neglecting Oakley.   Apparently it's normal, other moms tell me.   But, it still makes me feel a bit sad.]

But, now that I'm 34 weeks along, and in scheduling inductions and pre-registering for the hospital...things are getting real. 

I was talking to my mom about plans for Hazel while I was in the hospital.  She said she would take Hazel overnight and then "bring her up the next day to meet her sister."  

That sentence sent me in tears. 

Sisters.   I get to raise sisters.   Two little girls under my roof.   Nothing makes me happier than raising babies, and having two girls is a dream. I think every girl needs a sister and I'm so glad Oakley and Hazel have one.  I pray to have many more girls.  Or boys.   But definitely more babies. 

Morherhood is amazing. No one could have prepared me for how rewarding and proud this calling would make me feel. I knew I wanted kids, I knew I wanted to be a mom, but I NEVER knew how amazing it would make me feel. 

And I can't believe I get to do this agai in just 6 weeks. (And hopefully two more times after that.)

Bring on the babies! 

Octa-mom in the making.   😄

Hospice Nursing.

People ask me frequently how I can do Hospice.  "But isn't it so sad?!"  

And really, it's not.   

It's sad for the family.  And it's hard to see them go.   But, for the patient, it's such a blessing.  

I know that sounds a little morbid, but Hospice is such a different way of viewing healthcare, life, living and goals.  

My favorite part of Hospice is when I tell a patient they no longer have to go through aggressive treatment.   No more chemotherapy, no more IV sticks, no more X-Rays, no more hospital visits, no more diet restrictions.     The face on the patient is magical, the relief is so pronounced and the hope is high.   

Suddenly, the patient is now in charge again. The patient gets to decide how they wish to spend their last days.  If they want ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner, they get it.   If they want to leave the hospital and go home to watch TV in their bed with those they love, the can. If they want to stop taking all of their medications because they hate the taste, they get to.  Its up to them. 

Hospice is about making the patient comfortable, in whatever way that may be.  

I once had a patient say they were "going home to LIVE" and I feel that explains Hospice so perfectly. It's about making the last days/weeks/months, the most enjoyable and most pleasant for the patient. 

So, when someone asks how I can do Hospice, it's because of that.   It's to make someone who has struggled with a terminal illness for far too long, completely and 100% comfortable.   

That's what I love about Hospice.   

And why I keep doing what I do.   

For the Rest of Forever

Disclaimer: this post is for me.   It's not to boast or brag or make others feel bad.   It's to always remember to love my husband and to stay committed to him, for the rest of forever.  

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I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately.  I come from a family where it's not super common to stay in a committed relationship.   My mom has been married 3 times, with a recent called off engagement.   My oldest sister has been divorced, then back with the same guy, and then broken up again a year later.   And my middle sister has recently just separated from her wife after 4 years.    

It scares me.

Divorce scares me.

My ultimate biggest fear. 

I remember telling Caden before we got married that he was marrying me for all of eternity.   I don't talk about divorce, I don't think about divorce and it's a big naughty word in my house.   I HATE it. 

I feel I have been blessed with a fantastic husband who supports me in all that I do.  When I watch love movies, I think about my husband. When he is away, I miss him.  He's my whole world, and I hope that never goes away. Ever. 

I contribute our successful marriage to communication. Me and Caden talk a lot about our feelings. Probably more than he wants to. But, he's a good sport and always asks me what he can do better or what I need from him.  And I do the same for him.  My goal is to take 100% care of him and he takes 100% care of me, and that works well for us.  

I feel having religion in a marriage is another great part of our marriage. I don't know if that is what is missing in my mom and siblings' marriages, but I feel like a religion and covenants to a Heavenly Father helps the commitment stay firm and strong. When Caden gets spiritual or shares his testimony with me, my love for him grows in huge leaps and bounds.   Nothing makes me love him more than his love for the gospel, the church and his father in heaven.

Family time is a third thing that makes my marriage run smoothly.  Nothing is better than spending the day with my husband and our children.  A man who is a good Dad is so sexy, am I right?!   Caden is a fantastic parent.  He puts her to bed, he bathes her, he does her hair in pig tails, he lets her wear her favorite pink dress and he takes her to do fun things. He's the ultimate Daddy and that makes our marriage so strong, in my eyes. 

Family time includes extended family.  We spend every Sunday at either my moms or his parents, alternating weeks.   This has been great for me personally.  I love that my family loves my husband.   They all adore him and I feel he has personally brought us all closer through his love and obsession for games.    I also love to see Caden interact with his own family.  The way he cares about his siblings and his affectionate towards them warms my heart.   He spends one day a week with his mom going to lunch and running errands and I think it's amazing that he has that bond with his mom.   Family time  is important and I really love having that in our marriage. 

I love being married.  It's been a complete dream come true, and everything I hoped it would be.   When I pictured my marriage as a young girl, I pictured this. This is true love, folks. The Cinderella kind.   

I worry about my family and being alone. I don't think anything would be worse than being without a spouse.   And when people say they "never want to be married", I literally ache for them.   Marriage should be amazing, it should be heart warming and it should be romantic.  It should be just like the fairy tales, and I think I am crazy lucky that I've found that.  

I hope my marriage only gets stronger.  I pray that we grow together and we hold hands when we are 100.  I pray we continue to inspire each other and make each other laugh.  And I pray we never forget what this feels like.   

Marriage is great, guys.

And I hope everyone in the world gets to enjoy this kind of love, for the rest of their forever. 

Bun in the Oven.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit this: I forgot to tell blogland about our new addition.

So, without further introduction.  Meet Miss Oakley.   

She will be joining our sweet family in the end of October or early November.   She makes my heart full and I am so grateful that Hazelnut gets a sister.  

Every girl should have a sister.

Poor Caden has a house full of crying, emotional girls.
...Luckily, he handles it super well.

Cheers to bows, ribbons, pink and sparkles.

And cheers to more babies in the Hall family.

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Nursing to Motherhood.

Recently I decided to go part-time as a nurse and full-time as a Mommy.   

Best decision I have ever made.

We may not be able to afford things we use to: like TV, and eating out, and groceries.   (Kidding, about groceries.)  But, it's been 100% with it.  

I can't explain the amount of happiness being home with my babies gives me.  I remember thinking that I could never be a stay-at-home Mom.  At the time, working was so important to me.  I had a serious drive to be successful in the work place and I worked hard to get good grades, graduate with honors,  hold a good job and take great care of my patients.  At the time, that felt like the most important thing and I couldn't imagine throwing that away to be a mom at home.

And then I had a baby.  

And THAT became my number one priority over anything else.  Nothing could be more important than teaching my daughter her ABCs, watching her take her first steps, playing barbies and taking her on walks.   

Motherhood is amazing.  It does something indescribable to a person and I pray that every woman in the planet gets the opportunity to experience it.  It's so rewarding, so beautiful, so thrilling.

So, although I love nursing, being a mommy at home is the goal. 

...and it's my favorite job I've ever had. 

Spreading it Thin.

I'm an emotional mess.   And I'm not even entirely sure why.

This morning I spoke with my bosses about going part-time.  I had mentally prepared what I wanted to say and some good key points to bring up.   But, once the conversation got going I couldn't help fight back the tears.

I love hospice.  That's no secret.  It's a hundred percent the kind of nursing I've always wanted to do.  I love everything about what hospice means and I love the care we provide for the patient and their family.  

However, working full time as a hospice nurse is hard.
And even harder when you are raising a young family home.

I'm struggling trying to manage it all.   I'm trying to give my patients my attention and the time they deserve, and sometimes that means I don't get home until 6:30 or I chart at home until
8pm.   And that's really hard.   Because that means that those hours are taken away from my babies and my husband who mean more to me than anyone else on this world.

I can't find a happy balance between patient load and family life.   I feel like all areas of my life are getting 50% of my attention, and I'm only doing things part way.   When I am with my family, I'm thinking about work.   When I'm with a patient, I'm missing my husband and kids.   When I'm a church, I'm wishing I'm home asleep because I'm so tired.

I would like to blame this on pregnancy hormones and laugh it off that I'm all out of whack, but I think these are honest and true feelings.   I'm torn between two things I love dearly, and of course I'm going to pick my family.   But, that means financially things may suffer which makes me afraid and scared.

To talk to someone about this seems silly.   My support system is fantastic but their problems are so much more than mine.   I've got a best friend who struggles with fertility.  My other best friend is suffering from pulmonary hypertension and awaiting a lung transplant.   My sister is dealing with a troubled teen who is doing drugs.  My mom just called off her engagement.    These problems are so much more than me wanting to spend time with my family.   And I feel silly for worrying about such silly things.

I feel alone.  Scared.  Unsure what to do.

My husband has been a rock through my emotions.  He is incredibly supportive and kind and loving.   I just don't know that he has any answers.  And neither do I.   And maybe there aren't any.   Maybe I just need to cry about it and get it out and tomorrow is a new day.

So, I'll hug my babies and my husband.   And I'll care for my patients.  And I'll do my best to worry less, because my problems are so minimal and my life is good.  

Real good.

Miscarriages and Loss.

My heart is heavy.

Real heavy.

Someone I love dearly had a miscarriage.

And it breaks my heart into pieces.

Fertility is such a funny thing.  A mom with an unstable life, addicted to drugs with no where to live can have a child, but a mother desperately seeking a child to love and call her own is unable to bring one into this world.

I do not get it.

As she told me this news, my heart broke instantly. Our children would be 3 weeks apart.  How am I going to be a support to her, knowing I have something that she desperately wants? How can I help her through this crisis without rubbing my belly into hers that is empty?  

It just doesn't seem fair.  And I feel horrible.   

After she told me the news, I went to pick up my 2-year old daughter.  She ran to the stairs screaming "Mommy!" and I started sobbing.   Motherhood is something incredible. It's such a huge blessing and it's such an honor.   I can't believe Heavenly Father continues to send me these angels to raise in my home and I can't believe I'm lucky enough to be their mommy.   

Motherhood is something that EVERY woman should be allowed to experience.   It's such a beautiful thing and words can't express how amazing it feels to hear a child call you "mommy".    It's absolutely incredible.    So, why do some women get to experience it and not others? Why are some babies sent for such a short amount of time and then brought back? Why do great mommies have to keep their babies in heaven?

I don't get it.  

And I never will.

My heart aches for those who have experienced a miscarriage.   Its something I can't even imagine and I hope that I never have to experience it.   

Sending fertility dust your way.

❤️❤️❤️

Hospice Nursing.

Today was my first day of Hospice Nursing. 

After my long journey of admiring nurses, being accepted into nursing school, admiring hospice nurses, becoming a nurse myself, and then leaving Intermountain to join a Hospice Team... I'm finally here.   I'm a hospice nurse and I CANNOT believe it.  

I simply can't. 

It's always been a goal of mine to be a hospice nurse.   I don't know what led me to that idea.  I've never done hospice nursing or had any experience with it, however I knew it was something I always wanted to do.  

And I was right. 

After my first official day, I can say that hospice nursing is exactly what I hoped it would be. 

For the first time in two years, I'm excited again about being a nurse.  And that feels really great. 

Hospice is the nurse I want to be.  I want to spend all of my time and attention on one patient at a time.  I want to make my patient comfortable, pain-free and relaxed. I want to talk to my patient about their goals and their hopes for the end of their life. I want to help them transition to that point and be there for them through the process. I want to be a tool for the family as they, too, experience the stages of dying and grief. I want to be the one they call when they need advice or help. I want to know what my patient might like, hate and love. I want to know that patient and be their nurse for the rest of their life. 

And I get to. 

And that makes my heart SO happy.  

Hospice and me are going to be a really great fit, and I'm really excited I'm finally here.   

Nursing: Burnt Out.

Being a nurse is such a struggle for me.  

I loved nursing and I thought it was a perfect fit for me.  I loved the idea of taking care of people who need me, treating them with respect and helping them in any way that I can.  

Working as a nursing assistant, I loved showering people and making them feel refreshed.  I loved tucking them into a bed with clean sheets and getting them a warm blanket.  I loved straightening up their room and making things look neat and tidy.

However, working as a nurse I don't feel that same reward.  As a nurse, I feel like I pass pills all day long.  I don't feel like I get to spend much time with the patient because I'm worried about the next pill that is due for the neighbor next door.   I'm worried about paper work, charting and rounding with the doctors.  I'm worried about vital sign trends, assessment findings and my patient load.  

It's hard.
...and I don't find it very rewarding.

I don't feel like I get to know my patient, but rather know them as a room number and diagnosis.

I very hate that.

I never wanted to be the nurse who didn't know about my patient on a personal level.  I never wanted to be the nurse who didn't know the patient's name, or their spouse's name, or where they worked, or what they enjoyed.

But, I am.  
I'm that nurse.

Because I don't feel like I have the time to get to know my patient.  I can't spend a solid hour with one patient like I could when I was a CNA.   I can't visit with my patient, because time doesn't allow it.

And it's frustrating.

Sometimes I feel like that makes me a bad nurse.   Like I should be better at budgeting my time.  Like I should do more, and prioritize better.  

Maybe I've been working in an acute setting too long.  Maybe I'm burnt out.   Maybe my company is requiring too much of me, without any more reward.   It doesn't seem worth it anymore.  It doesn't seem like it's a perfect fit for me anymore.

And that makes me sad.

Real sad.