Last night, I had a weird talk.
...and it got me to thinking a lot about my Dad.
It's been 19 years, in July, since he's been gone.
19 years and I still haven't grieved.
I've only scratched the surface.
Google says the stages of grief:
1. Denial.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.
I'm between denial and anger.
I realize he's gone, but I still have this bizarre idea that he faked his death. That maybe he is out there walking around, living a life that I know nothing about. Maybe he has other kids, another wife, a different family. Maybe he knows me, watches me, sees me.
Then, I remember that he is dead. I remember his headstone. I remember the cemetery. And I feel mad. I feel angry. I feel jealousy. I feel hatred. I feel hurt. I feel pain.
I know that this is normal, and I know eventually I'll work through it. But, I'm afraid to. I'm afraid if I work through the anger and the hurt that I feel towards my dad, I won't have any other feelings about him. If the anger goes away, I am afraid there won't be anything left of him.
I don't have memories of my dad. I don't remember anything about him. I have nothing but pictures, and a lot of anger. What happens when the anger leaves? I'm left with pictures of a strange man that I don't know.
...and that really scares me.
4 comments:
Callie-I know this continues to be a neverending thing for you and it makes me sad to think how much energy you put into these feelings...and it boils down to some feeling of inadequacy that is simply NOT YOUR FAULT. Your Dad was a really special guy in many ways, people loved to be with him. He had a funny, dry wit and yet he was quiet. He had many things going for him and it was never enough...a good family that provided many opportunities, a loving wife and three adorable little girls, a lot of good friends. AND yet, there was an inadequacy in him that was fueled by a drug problem. It took over his life. I am sad that you didn't get to know him and I am sad that he has left you with this legacy and more sad to think that your feelings of anger and desperation for some feeling of approval could be turned against you in a way that could be equally as destructive. You are a beautiful young woman, with all the opportunities you deserve, a loving family, many admirers and a bright future. Don't let this one thing take a bigger part of your life than it deserves--and I am not suggesting you don't grieve it. You deserve that too. But when the anger leaves, you will be the same young woman with a peace that everyone hopes for you. Blessings!
Callie,
It's hard to grieve for someone you didn't know (which is so sad) but maybe thats where you start, getting to know him.You know so many people that did know him, ask them their memories maybe make a journal of stories because we have a lot. You seem to be avoiding this, you don't want to look at all the slides that we have.
As far as the anger I can tell you it never completely goes away. I know I have grieved but at times I am still angry. Every time something special happens in your and your sisters life I am ANGRY he is not here to share it with you.When I watch Braxton play ball I am angry he is not here. He would have loved Braxton and Kenlee so much, he was such a kid himself.
I do know I will see him again and our reunion will probably not be as happy as your and his reunion because he has a lot to answer for. I can see him now "Oh, shit..Pam's here"
Do not let this be a big dark cloud hanging over you, do what you need to do to grieve and know he is watching over you and he does see what is going on in your life and I know he is very very proud of you. He loved you girls so very much.
Love,
Mom
This post made me really sad, because I can't even imagine how hard it would be to grieve for someone you never got the opportunity to know. I felt those same feelings of disbelief when my one of my best friends took his life. I didn't want to go to his grave because it would make it "real." It's strange how your mind tries so hard to protect your heart. I've found that time is truly the only thing that helps heal. Maybe looking at what you do have of his will help. At first, it was impossible to look at pictures, cards, even his house without feeling pain, but now, those same things bring comfort. I hope someday you will have that too. You've become such an amazing person, and I really look up to you. You deserve only happiness. :)
Love,
T
I have not read your blog in a long time..WOW..This made me really sad that you are feeling this way. I know that you have had talks with me and you have been having a hard time..but reading this really got to me. I love what everyone had to say and I think that rather then grieving over it, you should get to know him. You should watch the slides..let yourself cry...listen to all the fun stories and not the sad ones..get to know his cute, fun, funny side. I hate remembering that bad stuff and would love to talk to you about all the neat things..and sit and watch slides and videos with you..I am ready when you are. There is no reason you should live your life being sad over it. YOu need to be happy with all that you have now..appreciate that you have Mom and Jeff..that you were raised in a wonderful family and that you did not have to go threw those hard times..I wish that I could erase all of them out of my mind and I am glad that you did not have to see or go threw any of it. I love you Callie and I hope that you will be able to soon get over being so angry.
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