Final Decision.

Welp friends, I combined my two blogs.
Jessica gave me the idea of titling my blogs "Mormon Message" so if you don't want to read my "churchy" blogs, you don't have to.  I won't be offended.   But please, for the love, don't judge me or say mean things.   I'm not a fan of that and neither is my little blog.  

Side note: Thanks for being so supportive, reader.   

It means the world to me.

Mormon Message - Meet the Bishop

Bishop text me tonight and wanted to meet with me.

My bishop texts.   That's how great of a guy he is.

He's perfect for me.

I met with him two weeks ago and told him everything.  I told him my entire life story and how I came to be where I am today.  When I set up the interview initially, I was scared out of my mind.   I had heard horrible stories about a bishop interview and dreaded what he wanted to know about me, what I needed to "confess", what questions he would ask, how he would "punish" me, how he would judge me, etc.  I thought of every worst-case-scenario possible and worried and fretted about it up until I was actually in his office.

Once I set down, I immediately felt at ease.  He asked about me, my hobbies, my job, my family, and my testimony.  He wanted to know what brought me back to church after 12 years and where my head was at.  And then he wanted to know about the things I was dreading most: my sins.   He asked for a brief description and I told him, as brief as I possible could.  I didn't have to go into detail and I didn't have to tell any specifics.  I kept it as brief as I possibly could and he accepted that.   We moved past it and went right onto the next topic, piece of cake.  

It felt relieving.  I felt so accepted and safe.  I felt comfortable.  I felt welcomed.  

He told me his story and his testimony of the gospel.  He shared with me how he came to the church and his story of being converted.  He told me about his "non-traditional" family and that he came from a family of step-siblings and step-parents.  He came from a non-perfect past and wasn't a perfect Mormon.   And I loved it.  

It's comforting to me knowing I have a bishop who has been in my shoes.   He knows my struggles and he knows my trials.  He knows how I have felt, how I'm currently feeling, and how I will feel in the future.   I believe my bishop is my bishop for a reason.  God called him to my ward for me, specifically.  

I relate to him and he can relate to me.

...and that is such a comforting feeling.

Mormon Message - Heaven Graduation

You know how when you're in school and sometimes you just don't care about doing the school work?  And you just do half way so you can get by?  And you sleep in, and you don't study, and you never pay attention in class?  And you just pass notes back and forth and worry about seeing you friends and having the best time?   And then, you get your report card and you've got straight C's and you think, "welp, a C is pretty good for the amount of effort I put in.  I feel pretty good about a C.  C is passing, right?!"  

That was my life.

I showed up and I made the best of every day, but I never really put a full 100% effort in being the best that I could be.  I partied and I drank and I thought to myself "This is way fun and I'm still living the dream.   Yeah, I'm going to make it to heaven and yeah, God loves me.   And I'm only doing the bare minimum.  This isn't even hard and it's so dang fun."

But then, all the sudden, a C just wasn't cutting it.  I didn't want straight C's on my report card.   I wanted to report back to heaven and show God that I got a 4.0GPA.  I wanted him to be dang proud of what I was doing and the effort I was putting into my school work.   Yeah, sometimes it sucked and sometimes it was a lot more work than I wanted to do.  Sometimes I have to say "no" to the parties and the "fun" things in life, but when I get my report card it's going to show that I put in way more effort and I earned that place in heaven.   And not just any place in heaven, but the very best place in heaven.

I don't want to be just any cap and gown at graduation,

I want the white honor robes and the shiny diploma.

I want the works.

and I'm willing to put in the effort.

Mormon Message - The Beginning.

I come from a mormon background.    My parents were mormon and fairly active.   Through some trials and things that happened, my dad was excommunicated and my mom stopped going.    She was angry with the church and we all had issues with the church that weren't ever resolved.  

I was still baptized when I was eight, and I went from time to time with my friends.   I wasn't ever really active and I wasn't sure what any of it meant.  I took the sacrament because others took the sacrament.  I knew that God loved me, but I had no idea of the covenants I was making and the things I was doing or being taught.

The older I got, the more I pulled away from the church.  I had mormon friends but I thought they were crazy for the things they were believing.  I thought they were brainwashed and silly.  I couldn't believe that they were so close-minded and crazy.    They would always tell me how great and true the church was and I remember thinking that they were just oblivious to the outside world.

Fastforward 13 years, and here I am.   

Happiest girl I have EVER been.  Excited about my future.  Thrilled about how far I've come.  Ready to learn and ready to grow.  Wanting to be better and do better.   And happy about what all of that means.   Because of the help from Caden and his testimony in the church, it's strengthen my relationship with God.  Everynight I would pray and thank God for bringing Caden into my life, and every night I felt like I could do more and be more than I was being.  Slowly, I gave up swearing.  I gave up drinking.  I started praying more.  I started trusting in God.  And, that led me back to church.     Not because Caden pushing me, not because he forced me into it.  Only through his testimony and his love for God has it inspired me to go back to church and that is a WONDERFUL gift.

I still have questions about church and I'm still learning, but that doesn't make me any less of a mormon.  It's okay to question and it's okay to wonder, that's how I grow as a person.   I'm constantly asking questions about life, about nursing school, about friendships, about relationships, about family and now about church.   Having questions is okay and asking them helps me grow.

And this is where I choose to ask these questions.   Here, on my blog.    This is where I ponder the things I'm learning, this is where I write to sort things out.   This isn't a place to fight or to argue, this isn't a place to comment and say mean things, this isn't a place to question my beliefs.   This is a place for me.   But please, reader, if you have some words of encouragment or a testimony of your own, please do share.     

Thanks.  

...and Amen.

Advice?

The OCD in me is not loving the idea of having 2 blogs.
Anyone know of a fancy alternative?

I want to be able to blog about church and things, without having to have all my readers be forced into reading it.    But, the two blog idea is making me slightly crazy.  Maybe it will just take some getting used to.    Maybe I'm way too OCD.   Either way, HELP!

The Mormon Me.

Lately, I think about church a LOT.
More than I should, probably.
It's always on my mind.

And I always want to blog about it, but I don't want to be an annoying-church-writing-blogger-mormon girl who shoves her religion in the reader's face just because they are following her.

So, reader, I've come to a solution.
I made a seperate blog.    TA-DA.

It's private, because I'm not brave enough to let just anyone read it.   I'm not strong enough to have people tear my beliefs apart and judge me or criticise me for the things that I believe.    It's private because I'm scared and I'm afraid.  

But, if you want to be a reader, I'd love to have you.  
The only rule is: don't judge me and don't be mean.     

mmmmkay, thanks.

To follow: Leave me your E-mail address.

Looking Back.

Our first picture together.

This was taken just three and a half months ago, but it seems like an eternity. 
Caden and I have grown and evolved SO much since this picture was taken.  

We've grown extremely close and I can't picture my life without him in it.

I never would have guessed, in a million years, that I would be where I am today.   I never would have thought I could be as happy as I truly am.  I was always so guarded, so afraid, so scared.  I was always looking out for myself, protecting myself, and not letting anyone disrupt that.     

But now, I'm vulnerable and open and welcoming.   Now I love that Caden has come into my bubble and I never ever want him to leave.  

I can't believe how incredible I feel.

I can't believe how far I have come.
I can't believe the changes I've made.
I can't believe the life I'm living.

I can't believe how perfect everything is.

I can't believe how incredibly lucky I am.

...and I cant' believe that Caden is mine.

What a Wonderful Surprise.

So, uhhh.
Caden is coming home early.

and I'm SO HAPPY.

He text me and said "CALLLLLLIEEE!"  and my face lit up humongous.

Man, I'm crazy about this boy.

mmmmkay.

That's all.

Reminder: I'm doing Great.

So, I'm home just hanging out.
I ordered a pizza and I finished Harry Potter #5.  
And I'm flipping through the channels and stumble across America's Got Talent.

It just so happens to be the episode where judges decide who gets to go to Hollywood and who just didn't quite make the cuts.    Tear Jerker.

So I'm watching and my heart fills with joy every time the judges say "You are going to HOLLYWOOD."    My most favorite part is seeing the contestants face and seeing how dang happy they are.   All of their wildest dreams have come true.  All the doubts they ever had about themselves.  All the times they were told that they weren't good enough.  That's all gone.   Now, all that's left is the pride and the happiness and the confidence that they really can do this.

And then, I'm reminded about the day I got my nursing letter.
And how absolutely incredible that feeling felt.  

No more declines and no more of people telling me that I wasn't good enough or smart enough.   I really am going to be a nurse and I'm well on my way to getting there.   

Somewhere in the hustle and bustle of life, and tests, and studying, and trying to remember everything that is being crammed into my cranium--somwhere I have lost what it felt like to be a part of my dreams.  To actually be living what I've dreamt of.   To actually be achieving and to be accomplishing.

It feels incredible.
and I need to never ever forget that feeling.

Crafting and Crying.

I've been crafting and crafting and crafting.

Caden's birthday surprise is almost complete. 
Just one more small little thing, then it's done.

Only--his birthday isn't until August.  

Sure hope I can keep a secret that long.

Speaking of Caden,
Last night I had a big fat melt down on my couch.   My mom and I were talking about him and I told him that I was so sad that I haven't heard from him.  She explained to me how humongous Lake Powell is and that there is absolutely no way he can get phone service.   I just want him to climb a mountain and run and run and run until he has one little bar on his phone to call me. 
Is that too much to ask?   

3 more days, blogland.

Just T H R E E.

Following the Leader.

NEW FOLLOWER! 

Yessss.

I'm not sure which of you is new,
but I love all 61 of you equally.

Thanks for reading.



Peek-a-Boo.

Woah. I had 79 pageviews today.

Now I know that isn't a lot to some of those experienced bloggers with hundred of followers,

but for my little old blog it feels like a TON.

Soooo, hey 79 viewers!

I see you and love you for coming by.

Living the Dreams.

You know when your boyfriend leaves you for 6 days and you just lounge around watching hours of Harry Potter and spending millions of dollars at Hobby Lobby?    

That's what I'm experiencing.

Also, I haven't done my hair in a few days, mostly because it's a thousand degrees and I sweat all the fluff right out if it.   And mostly because, Caden isn't here to judge how smelly and disgusting I am.  

Depsite the loneliness, I've managed to: play catch up with Susan over coffee, visit with Ciara at her kitchen table, play some softball, buy a new church outfit, light the neighbors fence on fire with some fireworks, and attend a Pathophysiology lecture just for fun. 

2 days down, 4 to go. 

Is it Sunday yet?

4th of July.

Well blogland, Caden has left me for an entire week.
He's off to Lake Powell with his family and I am NOT happy.

He and I have NEVER been apart for longer than 2 days since we first started dating.  And we have never ever gone more than 6 hours without talking.

It's been a day and a half since I've seen him and almost 20 hours of no texting. I sort of feel like I'm falling apart.  

I hate no phone service in Lake Powell.

Happy 4th of July.

Bahhhh-humbug.

It's about my Heart.

I have done things in my life that seemed super great at the time.
I lived a life and I had a ton of fun doing it.
But, now I want a clean slate.   I want to start fresh.

I want to be the clean and pure girl that I once was.

When I go to church, I feel like a poser for being there.   I've been told a million times that church is for sinners, but I still feel like I'm trying to pretend when I know, in the back of my mind, that I have a lot of baggage I need to clear up with God.  

And I've been avoiding it and I've been dreading it, but eventually I need to confess it all.  I just am going to lay it on the line like a big fat projectile vomit.

 "Here is what I've done, here is what I've done about it, here is where my life is now, and here is the direction I would like it to go.    
Now, tell me how to get there."    

Of course, it's not going to be easy.  Of course, I'm going to feel guilty and I'm going to worry.   And, up until now, I felt huge anxiety about it.   But then, I was listening to my Sunday Funday Mix and heard the best lyrics.     "It's not about your scars, it's all about your heart."  

It's not about where I've come from, or the things that I've done.
It's now about where my life is headed BECAUSE of those things.  It's where my direction is and the things I've learned.    It's about my goals and my future.

And my goals are pretty dang exciting.