Friday, April 24, 2015

Miscarriages and Loss.

My heart is heavy.
Real heavy.

Someone I love dearly had a miscarriage.
And it breaks my heart into pieces.

Fertility is such a funny thing.  A mom with an unstable life, addicted to drugs with no where to live can have a child, but a mother desperately seeking a child to love and call her own is unable to bring one into this world.

I do not get it.

As she told me this news, my heart broke instantly. Our children would be 3 weeks apart.  How am I going to be a support to her, knowing I have something that she desperately wants? How can I help her through this crisis without rubbing my belly into hers that is empty?  

It just doesn't seem fair.  And I feel horrible.   

After she told me the news, I went to pick up my 2-year old daughter.  She ran to the stairs screaming "Mommy!" and I started sobbing.   Motherhood is something incredible. It's such a huge blessing and it's such an honor.   I can't believe Heavenly Father continues to send me these angels to raise in my home and I can't believe I'm lucky enough to be their mommy.   

Motherhood is something that EVERY woman should be allowed to experience.   It's such a beautiful thing and words can't express how amazing it feels to hear a child call you "mommy".    It's absolutely incredible.    So, why do some women get to experience it and not others? Why are some babies sent for such a short amount of time and then brought back? Why do great mommies have to keep their babies in heaven?

I don't get it.  
And I never will.

My heart aches for those who have experienced a miscarriage.   Its something I can't even imagine and I hope that I never have to experience it.   

Sending fertility dust your way.
❤️❤️❤️

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Hospice Nursing.

Today was my first day of Hospice Nursing. 

After my long journey of admiring nurses, being accepted into nursing school, admiring hospice nurses, becoming a nurse myself, and then leaving Intermountain to join a Hospice Team... I'm finally here.   I'm a hospice nurse and I CANNOT believe it.  

I simply can't. 

It's always been a goal of mine to be a hospice nurse.   I don't know what led me to that idea.  I've never done hospice nursing or had any experience with it, however I knew it was something I always wanted to do.  

And I was right. 

After my first official day, I can say that hospice nursing is exactly what I hoped it would be. 

For the first time in two years, I'm excited again about being a nurse.  And that feels really great. 

Hospice is the nurse I want to be.  I want to spend all of my time and attention on one patient at a time.  I want to make my patient comfortable, pain-free and relaxed. I want to talk to my patient about their goals and their hopes for the end of their life. I want to help them transition to that point and be there for them through the process. I want to be a tool for the family as they, too, experience the stages of dying and grief. I want to be the one they call when they need advice or help. I want to know what my patient might like, hate and love. I want to know that patient and be their nurse for the rest of their life

And I get to. 
And that makes my heart SO happy.  

Hospice and me are going to be a really great fit, and I'm really excited I'm finally here.   


Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Nursing: Burnt Out.

Being a nurse is such a struggle for me.  

I loved nursing and I thought it was a perfect fit for me.  I loved the idea of taking care of people who need me, treating them with respect and helping them in any way that I can.  

Working as a nursing assistant, I loved showering people and making them feel refreshed.  I loved tucking them into a bed with clean sheets and getting them a warm blanket.  I loved straightening up their room and making things look neat and tidy.

However, working as a nurse I don't feel that same reward.  As a nurse, I feel like I pass pills all day long.  I don't feel like I get to spend much time with the patient because I'm worried about the next pill that is due for the neighbor next door.   I'm worried about paper work, charting and rounding with the doctors.  I'm worried about vital sign trends, assessment findings and my patient load.  

It's hard.
...and I don't find it very rewarding.

I don't feel like I get to know my patient, but rather know them as a room number and diagnosis.

I very hate that.

I never wanted to be the nurse who didn't know about my patient on a personal level.  I never wanted to be the nurse who didn't know the patient's name, or their spouse's name, or where they worked, or what they enjoyed.

But, I am.  
I'm that nurse.

Because I don't feel like I have the time to get to know my patient.  I can't spend a solid hour with one patient like I could when I was a CNA.   I can't visit with my patient, because time doesn't allow it.

And it's frustrating.

Sometimes I feel like that makes me a bad nurse.   Like I should be better at budgeting my time.  Like I should do more, and prioritize better.  

Maybe I've been working in an acute setting too long.  Maybe I'm burnt out.   Maybe my company is requiring too much of me, without any more reward.   It doesn't seem worth it anymore.  It doesn't seem like it's a perfect fit for me anymore.

And that makes me sad.

Real sad.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Hazel turns 14 months.


This sweet girl is 14 months old.  She's the sweetest girl with a hilarious personality.   She loves to play peek-a-boo, snuggle with Mommy and climbs all over Dad.  

She can say Daddy, Mommy, ba-ba, night-night, uh-oh, thank you, all done, buh-bye.  When asked "what goes the lion say?" She will growl, or meow like a cat, or chirp like a bird, or oink like a pig.  

She loves bubble guppies and will watch it all day.  She will take 2-3 steps and then falls.  She loves to eat crackers, yogurt, oranges and apple juice.

Her personality makes us laugh always and we are so proud of her.   ❤️

Friday, August 22, 2014

Private.

I get insecure about the things I write and who might be reading them.

So, I'm going private.

I would love to still have readers, so send me your email if you want to be a part of my blog-life.    ðŸ˜Š

I'm back, with a funk.

It's been 6 months since my last post. 

SIX MONTHS. 

Oh, how I've missed it. 

I wanted to keep blogging and write about all the amazing mile stones and fantastic things that Hazel has done.   But, somewhere between nap time, play time, working full time, being a wife and running errands, I lost time to blog. 

In fact, I've lost time to do much of anything I've enjoyed.

I've been in a funk that I haven't been able to shake.  I wouldn't classify it as depression because I still have good days, I still laugh and I can still get out of bed and do things.   However, I lost time to to things I enjoy.  It became unimportant and on the "back burner". 

I went to a church activity and was asked "something I enjoy to do".   Well, besides spending time with my cute family, all I could come up with was cleaning and cooking.  

Yikes.

That was my red flag that I needed to make a change.

Luckily, I've got an amazing husband who pushes me to take time for myself.   He is great to watch Hazel and cook dinner while I do whatever it is that I want to do.  

I just don't know what I want to do, is the problem.

When Caden and I started dating, my idea of "fun" did not involve anything that I do now.   I was a different person, with different values, morals and goals.   

Now that has changed, I feel like I need to reinvent myself and find new hobbies. But, how do I do that at such an old age?   Where do I meet friends outside of my marriage?  And where do I look for fun?   

I'm hoping blogging will give me some clarity, and by writing my thoughts I can discover myself again.  

So, here is to step one.
I'm back, blog land. 

--------------
Disclaimer:  I feel it important to mention that I know I am blessed.  I have an amazing husband who supports me in whatever I do and spoils me rotten.   I have a daughter who is happy, healthy and beautiful.   I have a home and job that I adore and a family that loves me.

I don't want this blog post to sound ungrateful in any way for these blessings.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Nighttime rituals.

Tonight as I was rocking Hazel May to sleep, I just kept thinking "I can't believe she's mine."  

I can't believe I'm a mom.  I can't believe I get to keep her and raise her and teach her about life.  I can't believe I'm the one she misses when she's away.  I can't believe I'm the one she seeks for comfort.  I can't believe, above everyone else, she chooses me.  

I can't believe it. 

I remember as a child how much I looked up to my mother, and I thought there was no greater person in the whole world.  A day with my mom was the best day, and when she was away, my heart ached to see her.  

And now, Hazel sees me in that way.  

What a blessing it is to be a mom.  As I stop cleaning the house, stop doing the laundry, stop cleaning dishes, and I just hold my baby girl--I feel so lucky to be in that moment forever.

Tonight, in her sleep as I rocked with her, she reached up and touched my lips as if to say "I love you, Mommy" and I held her as happy tears ran down my face. 

I love you too, baby girl. 
Always and forever. 

Friday, January 10, 2014

Crying Over Chipped Nail Polish.

This has been a long over-due blog.  But, I think I've finally got my thoughts together enough to write it all down. 

This past...week, or so...I've felt out of sync.  

December was a hard month for us.  We had some water damage in our home, Caden got a speeding ticket, we had to buy new tires on our car, our dryer broke, and Hazel got sick.   Luckily, we sailed through it all with flying colors.  I've got a husband who is an expert at going with the flow which greatly helps me when I start to worry.  

However, on Tuesday, Caden and I went snowboarding and he hurt his shoulder.  After a trip to the doctor, an X-ray, and a prescription for pain meds, we headed home.   That same day, we took Hazel in to the doctor because of a three week cough that's been lingering way too long. We got some antibiotics for her and all was well. 

We came home, Caden rested his shoulder, Hazel took a nap and I packed my lunch for work.   Out of nowhere, I broke down.   I suddenly felt overwhelmed with anything and everything.  Everything needed cleaning, fixing, organizing, or polishing--including my chipped nail polish.   I felt overwhelmed with things that didn't matter and I stressed about things I couldn't fix.

As I packed my lunch, I cried at the idea of leaving my sick baby and my hurt husband to go take care of strangers at the hospital.  I cried that I didn't want to be a nurse.  I cried that I would be wasting all my education if I chose to quit my job and stay home.  I cried that I was crying when I needed to be strong for my hurt and sick family. 

Caden came around the corner, saw that I was crying and immediately hugged me without knowing the cause of my tears.  He asked what was wrong and I felt silly for telling him that I was crying about my chipped nail polish.  

Sometimes I just get overwhelmed.  With everything.   It doesn't happen often.  Maybe once every three months, but sometimes I just have to cry about everything. 

Caden hugged me and told me he loved me.  He promised me we would get through all the financial and medical burdens and then he said "I'll be here for you always and forever.  You've got a husband who loves you unconditionally." 

And all the sudden, life felt right again. 

Sometimes I forget how amazing my life is, and I fret about things that don't matter.  Sometimes I forget to count my blessings.   But, on those days, I have Caden to hug me and tell me it's all going to be okay. 

And for that, I'm incredibly grateful. 



Friday, December 27, 2013

Speaking in Sacrament.

Last month, we were asked to speak in Sacrament.  My first time ever speaking in Sacrament.  I have posted before about church, and how my testimony has grown, so I thought I would share my talk here, too.
.....

Good morning, brothers and sisters.  Brother Musgrave has asked that we introduce ourselves before we give our talks.   My name is Callie Hall, my cute husband is Caden Hall and our sweet 5 month old daughter is Hazel Hall.  Caden and I moved into the ward in August, when Hazel was just a month old.  We moved from a basement apartment in Ogden into our very first home in Layton.  We live directly next to Bishop Ringler.   The first day that we moved in, Bishop and his wife pulled up as we were unloading boxes.   “Are you our new neighbors?”   Yes.    “Are you LDS?”  Yes.   “Are you active?”  Yes.   “Good! Because I’m your bishop!”   We are blessed to be in this ward.  The ward we came from is what some called “Newlywed, nearly dead” so we are excited about the youth and babies in this ward.
I’m happy to be the one to tell our story, because my husband’s version goes like this.   “We met, we fell in love, we got married.”   My version is slightly more romantic.

Caden and I met in 2011.  We both were working at McKay-Dee hospital at the time.  He worked in room service, and I worked as a CNA.  We saw each other almost every day and would make small talk, both too shy to really start up a conversation.   Each night Caden would bring my patients their dinners and each night I would stare at him and hope he would make eye contact.  Finally, one night, I asked Caden  “Hey, you should sneak me some mashed potatoes and gravy the next time you come to my floor.”   And he actually did it.   Eventually, he got my phone number and we’ve been together ever since.   In my journal, he is known as “mashed potato boy”, we served Mashed Potatoes at our wedding, and we eat them on a daily occurrence in our home.

Caden and I were married in May 2012, we got pregnant with our sweet Hazel 5 months later.  We were then sealed in the Brigham City Temple in May 2013, when I was 7 months pregnant.   We graduated together from Weber State in April 2013, Caden with his Bachelors in Microbiology and me with my Bachelors in Nursing.   Hazel was born in July 2013 and we bought our home in August 2013.   Which brings us to now.  We have been extremely blessed and have the gospel and Christ to thank for all of that.
I’m excited to be speaking today.  I’ve secretly been planning this talk for over a year and half now.  I’ve heard, once you get married you are the next to speak in sacrament.  Somehow, my husband and I have dodged the bullet for about a year and half.   But, I’ve been mentally preparing myself for this very day.  
About a month ago, I received a telephone call on Sunday morning and was asked to say the opening prayer in sacrament.  My reply was “Ohhhh, I don’t think I can.  That sounds way too scary.”   So, I declined and my valiant husband took my place.   Dodged another bullet.   However, I think I’ve run out of hiding places and here I am speaking today on Following the Prophet.

When Caden and I were dating, I wasn’t an active member in the church.  Although I had been baptized, I hadn’t attended church in over fifteen years.  I grew up in a home full of love and acceptance, but lacked any form of religion.   I never knew it to be weird, or strange, just that it was normal.   When I met Caden, and I learned that he was an active member of the church, I immediately assumed he was off limits.  I thought there was no way he would want to date a girl who was not active in the church.  Luckily, to my surprise, Caden accepted me with open arms.  And that is the greatest blessing that has ever happened to me.   

As we began dating, Caden introduced me back into the church.  We started attending sacrament together in a singles ward, with a Bishop who was exactly what my testimony needed.   As things between Caden and I got more and more serious, we began talking about marriage and where things were headed.   The more I thought about our future, the more it became centered around the gospel.  I wanted a family who prayed together, who attended church together and who studied the gospel together.  I wanted my children to be sunbeams and I wanted my husband to hold a calling.   This shocked me, in every way possible.   If you would have told me 5 years ago that I would be sealed in the temple, married to an active LDS member, have a child born into the covenant and hold a calling as a primary teacher, I would have thought you were crazy.

Before we were married, Caden and I set some rules for our marriage.   1.  This marriage was for real and we are in this 110%.   2.  We love each other unconditionally.  3. We follow the prophet.  
This has been such a blessing in our home, and the greatest decision we have made in our marriage.  Its been said time and time again, this world is corrupt and cruel.   And only getting worse.   How blessed we are to have a Prophet who speaks directly with God and can counsel us about the current situation and the things to come. 

Our prophet is a prophet of God.   He is in constant revelation with our God.   How great of a blessing to have direct revelation at all times and to know what God has asked of us.  LDS.org states a prophet is: “A messenger of God… His responsibility is to make known God’s will… He is the preacher of righteousness.” 
About a year ago, Caden and I attended a fireside at Weber State with Alex Boye as the speaker.   Alex is a convert of the church and told a story that touched my heart immensely.   Alex told us about a time he stayed in a hotel room.  He wanted his privacy and didn’t want to be bothered, so he placed the “Do Not Disturb” sign on his door knob.   He left for the day, and when he came back, he was angry that the maid had not cleaned his room.   He called down to the front desk to file a complaint.   The lady at the front desk informed Alex that he had the “Do Not Disturb” sign on his door, so the maid did not enter.   
Alex related this story to the Gospel.  He asked how often do we hang our “Do Not Disturb” sign and hope that someone cleans us up?  How often do we shut out the gospel or the counsel of the Prophet, but hope that we still feel of the spirit?  

Often times it can be a challenge to follow ALL the counsel of the Lord.  I find myself trying to tweak the words and make them fit into my life.   It can be hard to meet all the demands or follow all the commandments.  I find myself thinking maybe I can have one cup of coffee, if I add some hot chocolate into it.  Or maybe I can watch an R rated movie, if it only has minimal violence.   This is how Satan gets to me, and if it weren’t for the teachings of the Prophet, current and deceased, I might listen.  

Harold B Lee said it best when he said:  There will be times when you will have to choose between the revelation of God and reasoning of men—between the prophet and the professor. The Prophet Joseph Smith, “Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it is, although we may not see the reason thereof until long after the events transpire.”
I don’t always know WHY President Monson counsels on things.  I don’t always know what the reasoning is or HOW it will benefit my life.  However, I can testify that it absolutely WILL.   Before I made a promise to the Lord to follow the prophet, my life seemed so difficult.  I was lacking direction and I wasn’t sure of my future.   I was living day-to-day without any clear visions of where I wanted to be.   As I brought the Gospel into my life and I listened daily to the prompting of the spirit and the prophet, life has been a complete 180.

In a conference talk in 1960, President Romney tells a story.  He said:   “I remember years ago when I was a bishop I had President Heber J. Grant talk to our ward. After the meeting I drove him home … Standing by me, he put his arm over my shoulder and said: ‘My boy, you always keep your eye on the President of the Church and if he ever tells you to do anything, and it is wrong, and you do it, the Lord will bless you for it.’ Then with a twinkle in his eye, he said, ‘But you don’t need to worry. The Lord will never let his mouthpiece lead the people astray.” 

This gives me such piece of mind, to know that our Prophet will never lead us astray.  Life truly is so simple, and we try our hardest to complicate things.   Say your prayers.  Read your scriptures.  Attend church meetings.  And Follow the Prophet.    President Monson will never lead us astray.  He has our hearts in his best interest and he wants only what is best for us and the church of Christ.  
Elder Mark Petersen of the Quorum of the Twelve states: “Not only is our prophet universally loved and revered, but he loves and reveres the Saints and prays for them and labors for them without hesitation and without limit. His kindness is Christlike. He endeavors to do to all as (Christ) himself would be done by.”
How lucky are we to have a living prophet as amazing as President Monson?  And how lucky are we to have previous prophets who have been equally as loving and inspiring?  Conference time is a joyful time in our home.  I look forward to snuggling in our pajamas, getting warm blankets, hot chocolate and listening to the revelation and promptings coming directly from the Lord.
I leave you with my testimony, that I have a great love for President Monson and the prophets before him.  I’m grateful for a God who knows my heart and helps me daily to become better.  I’m blessed to have the Gospel in my home and in our family.   I’m grateful for a husband who has brought the church back into my life and has made me a Mother and an Eternal Companion.   

And I say these things, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.


   

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Hazel. Jobs. Date Nights.

So, it's been two months since my last post.
Yikes.

I get behind, and then I'm too far behind to blog because it's overwhelming.  So, I avoid it altogether and then I'm months and months behind and then I end up posting a big huge long post about nothing.

Here goes.


This was Hazel when she was three months old.    My mom and I took her to a pumpkin patch and snapped a few pics.  She was adorable and way too cute for words.   I think the lady wanted to give us a free pumpkin, just for how cute she was.   Side note: The picture in the top left corner--Hazel fell over and hit her head on that bucket just moments after I snapped the photo.   Bad, bad mommy.  


This is Hazel at four months.   She was tired and didn't want to smile at all.   So, I got a cute little picture of her crying.  Hazel will be five months in just 5 days, so I'm hoping for a blog post update then.  Fingers crossed.

Hazel has been a joy in our lives.  She is too funny.   She absolutely LOVES her Daddy.  When Caden comes home, or walks into the room, Hazel lights up.  She smiles for others, but no smile compares to the smile she gives her Daddy.  It's adorable.   She's definitely a Daddy's girl, and I secretly wish she loved me more.   Just kidding.    She has learned to stand while leaning against the couch cushions, roll from belly to back, almost crawl while on tummy time, and blow bubbles with her mouth.    Daddy practices tricks with her while I'm at work.  She should be walking and talking in no time.     

This week was her four month check up.   Doctor said "So, is she sleeping through the night?"   No.   "Is she eating solid foods?"   No.   "Is she eating 6-8 ounces?"   No.    Yikes.  I felt like a pretty bad mom when we left that office.   So, this week has been Hazel boot camp.  I am terrible at the self-soothe process.  I've been rocking her until she falls asleep and I've been picking her up every time she cries.  Apparently that's some bad reinforcement.   So, we have been trying to self-soothe at night.  It hasn't been going super great.   Night one, she cried for a solid hour until I gave up and rocked her to sleep.  Oops.   Night two, she cried for 45 minutes until I gave up and rocked her to sleep again.  Oops.   Day three, I layed her down for a nap and she cried for 10 minutes, I went in to check on her and she cried a little longer and then fell asleep.  I'm hoping tonight goes as well as nap time did.  Fingers crossed.

I've racked my brain trying to get Hazel on a "schedule".   I think I've written down 5 different "schedules" for the day.  Wake up at this time, nap at this time, eat at this time, bed at this time, yadda-yadda-yadda.   Well, each day is different and it hasn't worked out super great for us.   Every parenting book I've read states we absolutely need a schedule for baby to be happy.  So, of course, I've been stressing like a mad woman to get her on a schedule.   But, sometimes she's home all day with me.  Sometimes she's with her Daddy/Grandma. Sometimes she's out and about running errands, and she hardly ever wakes up the same time each day.   So, it's stressing me out.   New mom problems.



We started her on solids this week, too.   Solids.  When did she get so big?!  I feel like she's literally growing up right before my eyes.   She's still figuring out how to eat properly, but we are getting the hang of it.   Love this cute little babe.

I've started working full time.   Yep, I did it.  I went full time.   It hasn't been as traumatic as I imagined it to be.  It's only one extra day, and the benefits have really helped our family.  Insurance is cheaper, my checks are bigger, and Caden gets to spend one full day with our little Hazel May as a daughter-Daddy day.   Which, I'm sure she loves.   I'm super grateful to have my mom, mother-in-law and husband watch Hazel while I'm at work.  I can't imagine taking her to a daycare or a stranger's house.  I think that I would quit my job, no joke.  Thank heavens for the awesome people in our lives.     

Caden and I have continued to have date night each week.   Ohhh, how I love date night.   I love being able to drop my "mommy-duties" and be a wife for a night.   Caden is great at making me feel special.  


He constantly is making me laugh and I always tell him that I should write down all the funny things he says.  His humor is my favorite kind and it's rare for me to go a day without laughing at him or the things he does/says.   One night, we were laying in bed and I told him that someone should record our lives because he is so funny.  Without skipping a beat, he looked at me and said "ACTION!" and I laughed and laughed.   Sometimes, we lay in bed and make shadow puppets on the ceiling with our cellphone flashlight.  Sometimes he dances in the kitchen to the beat of his own song.  And always he makes up songs about me and Hazel that are too funny for words.    
When we are bored, we walk around PetCo.  Which, if you know my husband, is really strange. Caden is TERRIFIED of animals, of all kinds.  Although, he loves reptiles and would like some tree frogs of his very own.   So, sometimes we go to PetCo and look at the reptiles.   This particular day, the worker was checking on the animals and getting them out of their cage.  I LOVE to hold animals.  LOVE LOVE LOVE.  I'll hold any animal, I don't care what it is.   Caden, on the other hand, has never held any animal and he's absolutely certain that animals will eat him.  Including snakes and lizards.   So, the worker man was getting lizards out of their cage and explaining to us that these lizards like to be held.  As he was talking, he reached out and put a lizard on Caden's shoulder.    Caden about pooped his pants.   He screamed a little and the worker said "Oh, you must not like lizards."   

It's things like this that happen on a daily occurrence in the Hall home.   
Sure do love our lives.

Until next time, blogland.
I hope it's sooner, rather than later.
xo

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Feeling Grateful.

Today at work I spoke with some co-workers and their thoughts on working and being a mommy.   (I'm obviously still dealing with this internal struggle of working vs. staying at home.   It''s driving me mad.)   As we talked, I realized I am not alone in this working-mamma world.   In fact, I'm actually one of the lucky few who can work part-time and still be home with Hazel.   And even more lucky that working part-time means only two days a week.  Some mamma's work 5-6 days a week, and I complain about 2.   Yikes.  

Sometimes I forget to count my blessings.  

As we talked on our lunch break, I realized how much I compare myself to others.  I'm pretty guilty of this and I also am extremely guilty of searching for the next goal or milestone and forgetting to be proud of the now.   For example, Caden and I are both graduated, who both have careers in the fields we would like to pursue for the rest of our working lives, we have a home that we own, a beautiful and healthy baby girl, and two cars that are cute and run well.   Yet, I forget those things.   I forget to be proud of how far we have come and how much we have accomplished and, instead, I wonder why we aren't putting more into savings, or why we aren't going on vacations, or why we can't afford the things that Joe Shmoe can.     

Again, sometimes I forget to count my blessings.

I am extremely fortunate for the things that I have. E X T R E M E L Y fortunate.   When I take a step back, away from the stresses and hussle-bussle of every day life, I look into my life from the outside world and can't believe that it's mine.   I can't comprehend all that is happening or that I truly have met and exceeded most of my lifelong dreams.   1.  Marry someone who makes me laugh every day and completes me.   2. Graduate with my Bachelors Degree in Nursing.   3.  Own a home that I love in a great neighborhood.  4. Raise a family of healthy children with my husband.    

What more could I ask for?

This blog isn't to brag, or to boast at how great my life is.  This blog is to remind me that I am a lucky girl.  And when I have hard days and I start to feel down on myself, I can come back to this blog and I can remember that life really is great.  

In fact, life is perfect.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Wife. Mom. Nurse.

Well, after my last post, I've made a decision.  I'm staying part time.   All the support and comments I received was super helpful.  You were all right.   How on earth can I stay away from this cute face?! 


Being a mom is more than I ever thought it could be. I've heard before that it is the most important calling, and I couldn't agree more.  There isn't anything more I want to do than hold Hazel in her rocking chair by the window.  I literally could do it all day long.   

Before I was pregnant, I thought I could never be a stay-at-home mom.  I thought it would be boring and same-old-thing.  

Uhhhh, I was very wrong. 

Nothing makes me happier than being home with Hazel and Caden.  When I am away from either of them, I think about them at least every 5 minutes, no exaggeration.   I cry when I leave for work and I smother her to pieces once I come home. 

I feel incredibly blessed to be a mother.  I feel incredibly blessed to be a wife.  I love everything about providing for a family and taking care of a home. I love being here for my family and I love making sure both of their needs are fully met.

I am first a wife, second a mother, and last a nurse.   And that's exactly the order I prefer.  


Saturday, September 7, 2013

LGBT: being accepted.

I just finished watching America's Got Talent and Brandon just sang a beautiful song.  He said he turned to music because he felt alone.  He is gay and his family didn't accept him, music was his only escape.  

This breaks my heart. 

I pray that one day there will be 100% acceptance for the LGBT community.  To me, there is nothing wrong with a person loving another person. 

I know so many incredible, accepting, loving couples who are gay.  They are such beautiful people and want nothing more than to be accepted and to love their partner publicly without the ridicule of the public. 

I remember being out with my sister and her girlfriend.  We were on a double date.  As I held my dates hand, I looked at my sister who sat far from her girlfriend and didn't touch her the entire night.  I looked at Cassie and said "why aren't you holding hands?!"  She responded with a broken expression, "we can't." 

I pray always that she will be accepted.  I pray that the entire LGBT community will never be ashamed to show their love for their partner.  I pray they will never be turned away from a job, from a group of friends, or from their own families. 

The day will come. 
 
...And I will be there smiling with a heart so proud. 

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Mom vs Nurse, pt 2.

As new home owners, budgeting has been tight.   Water, gas, electricity, fixing doors, spackle, new sprinklers....yadda, yadda, yadda. Before you know it, your whole paycheck is spent the same day it's deposited.  

Yikes. 

As a new mom, I never want to leave Caden or Hazel.  I want to be home all day with them and I want to do things like go to the water park, go swimming, go for a bike ride, read books and cuddle.   I cry everytime I go to work and I cry almost everytime Caden goes to work.   Separation anxiety, at its finest.  

So, now this dilemma.   Do I a) work full-time instead of part-time so we have a little wiggle room for things we want and extra luxuries OR b) stay at home and only work part-time but get to be with my Hazy May and Hubby and watch them both grow and be cute? 

I hate this decision.

Friday, August 30, 2013

On the Upside.

Today was a better day.  I must have woke up on the right side of the bed, as opposed to yesterday.  Yikes. 

Once in a while I get overwhelmed with my thoughts and silly tasks at hand.  I start to dwell on things I want done right now and most of the time it's a long term goal that can't be fixed instantly.  (Losing weight, growing out my hair, fixing up our new house, etc.).  It just eats at me and bugs me to the point where I have to have a melt down before I can feel better. 

Yesterday was my melt down. 

And, today I'm feeling better.  Of course, those things are still on my mind and still bothering me, but I have moved them to the back burner until I'm ready for them. 

I have to remember to take things day by day, and to not look at the whole picture, but rather what I can accomplish today.  

Some days will be hard, others will be easy. But, I'm taking baby steps to get there.