Grumpy to Grateful.

Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the stresses of life.  

Bills. Finances. Jobs. Insurance. Groceries. Chores.

Blah.
Blah.
Blah.

Today I was flustered and upset.  I had a miscommunication at work and my insurance still hasn't kicked in.  We are having a baby and need insurance, so of course I stressed about it all day long.  And still am stressing.  

Yet, I came home today and I walked into our apartment with hands full of groceries.  Our apartment was warm and toasty and smelled like candles.  I had enough money to buy our favorite treats and all the food to fill our tummies.  Caden was hard at work at a company we both love and my mom was on the phone, calming me down and supporting me through the decisions of insurance and big kid life.   

So, why was I upset?  Why do I worry?   Why do I get grumpy and forget all the things that are great in my life? 

I am way too blessed and I forget that much too often.   So this blog is to remind me of that.  Not to brag about the blessings I have, but to remind myself that I have so much to be grateful for and I can-not-must-not-never-ever forget that.

Week 11.

Here is baby in all his/her glory. :)

Emotional Rampage.

I have so many thoughts today.  
Thoughts about church, thoughts about life, thoughts about attitude, thoughts about baby, thoughts about marriage, thoughts on thoughts on thoughts.   I don't know where to start or how to end, but here goes a big blurb of emotions. 

Yesterday was Sunday.  Caden and I went to a class that his Dad was teaching on temple marriages.  His Dad is a great speaker and I feel the spirit easily when he speaks.  He makes me cry when he talks about his family, he makes me cry when he says family prayer, he makes me cry when he talks about church, etc.   As he taught his lesson, I felt the spirit so strong and felt so much love for the gospel.  Caden and I talked on the way home about the temple and our feelings about being sealed this May.  I told Caden that, even though I don't know much about the temple or how it came to be, I know how it makes me feel currently.  I can't explain the apostles and the keys they hold, I can't explain the symbolism or why the temple was built in a certain way.  However, I have an overwhelming love for the ability to be sealed to Caden for all of eternity. 

About a month ago my family was asking me why I thought I needed to be sealed in the temple.  I didn't have a great answer for them.  But, I told them this: "The temple sealing may be completely bogus for all I know.  However, I can't risk the thought of not being able to have Caden with me in eternity.  It doesn't hurt me in anyway to go through a temple sealing and won't change my life in any way except positively.   So, why not?"   Thankfully, my family has accepted that and accepted me for what I believe.   We all come from different backgrounds and have different beliefs on religion and God.  Yet, we each can come to agreement to love one another for our differences and support each other in whatever it is we believe.  And that, my friends, is the best way to be.

Being pregnant has been a whirlwind of emotions and made me think even more about having an eternal family.  This little munchkin is only 11 weeks gestation and already I worry about baby like crazy.  I worry about how baby will be treated by his/her friends. I worry about the worldly things that can harm baby.  I worry about illnesses, diseases, disorders.  I worry about financial issues, what school he/she will go to, what career he/she will choose.  I worry about whether or not baby will accept the gospel in his/her life, or any religion for that matter.  I worry about worrying and how that affects my pregnancy.  I worry about miscarriages, fetal demises, difficult pregnancies, nuchal cord, low Apgar scores, cleft palate, abnormal chromosomes.  I worry now that I can't even fathom how much a mother worries once baby is experiencing the real world and how absolutely terrifying that must feel.  I have such a new love for my mother and all the incredible things she did to protect me and my sisters.  May that gene be passed down to me and my little ones to come.

Being pregnant and graduated has also made me a grumpy little girl.  I get bored easily.  I've cleaned the house 100 different ways.  I've organized and re-organized everything and anything I possibly can.  I've washed the sheets, I've cleaned the laundry room, I've organized our storage closet, I've sold things we don't use, I've alphabetized movies, I've sanded our coffee table.  I've just about lost my mind and by the time Caden gets home, I'm dying to be out of the house.  Luckily, he has been such a great sport about this all.  I know I've said this before, but Caden is so good to me.  He came home after an 8 hour shift on his feet, and walked with me around the mall just so I could get out of the house.  He rubs my back for me at night, he tickles my tummy, he rubs my head.  He does anything and everything he can to make me as comfortable as possible, even though I'm a grumpy goose.  And with all this grumpiness brings an incredible sense of guilt.   I feel horrible when I'm grumpy.

So, I started watching The Secret today.  Never heard of it? It's on Netflix.  I've seen this movie twice before but I love it's philosophy it teaches.  Whatever you think about most, will become.    My thoughts about being bored, grumpy, tired and hungry brings about more boredom and sleepiness.   Time for an attitude adjustment.  Today I showered and got ready, I put on my favorite outfit, I ate my favorite lunch, I downloaded a new book and I'm going to the library to read.   No more grumpy.  No more emotional.   The Secret is out, friends.  

I'm off to the library.
Toodles.

Nursing. Graduate School. Christmas.

Ohhhhh, hey. 
Where you been?

Blogland, I've been busy.  I finished my schooling and training and am now working as a real nurse full time.  I have two more orientations for the graveyard shift and then they are setting me free on my own.   ON MY OWN.   What a big girl, I am.   

I enjoy my job so much more when I'm working as a nurse than when I'm working as an aide.  I enjoyed being an aide, but needed more satisfaction.  And, I definitely get that from nursing.  It's such a great feeling having patients trust me and having them ask ME questions, as if I have the answers.  And then, being able to actually answer their questions is such a neat experience.  Makes me feel like all my hundreds of years of school is finally worth it.   Yessssss!

Cade has stopped working as much so he can focus on school.  He was working 6 days a week, 4 hour shifts.  He was going go to school in the morning, rushing home to eat some lunch and then going to work at 5pm-9pm.  Then coming home for dinner, shower and bed.   That leaves about 0 time to study.  Poor guy.   So, we decided it would be best if he only worked 2 days a week and then spent the rest of his time studying.   Which, has paid off greatly.   

He took his entrance exams for Graduate School in November and he did extremely well.  That boy can test better than anyone I know.  I sure hope our children get his genes, and not my test-anxiety-can't-focus-on-a-single-thing genes.    Cade is super smart though, one of my favorite things about that boy.  

He has one more semester at WSU and then we decide where he will be going for Graduate School.  That may involve moving outside my little comfort zone, which is slightly nerve racking.  Never have I been more than 10 miles from Ogden.   Ever.    Here's to new adventures.

So, that's our life in a nutshell.  Things are trucking right along and we are just living the dream every day.   Pretty excited about life and super excited about our first Christmas together.

'Tis the season, friends.

Baby Hall: Growing

Written 11/8/12.

Last night I was reading on my BabyApp about our little sea monster.  That's what Caden calls him, because I sent him this picture.  I see the resemblence.

As I'm reading about week 4, I see that the heart, lungs, and spinal cord are forming and what a crucial and important time this is for the fetus.  

Immediatley my heart starts to flutter and I feel more protective and worried about my little uterus than I have ever felt before.   I found myself holding my little tummy and wanting nothing to happen to it or the things that are inside.  

At four weeks I'm already worried about this little guy.   I can't imagine the amount of motherly instincts that kick in when that thing is actually crawling, walking, talking, experiencing real world things.   What an ovewhelming thought.

So, I spend a good chunk of my time worrying about this little sea monster and hoping it's still growing just as it should be until I can see my doctor in four more weeks. 

Keep growing little one.  Stay safe.

Ketchup. Catsup. Catch-up.

Random thoughts. 

I had a guest speaker today at work.  He is a therapist and he talked about the people he sees in his marriage classes.  Most of the arguing stems from this one fact: wife likes to work and then play, husband likes to play and then work.   Uhhh, light bulb.   This makes so very much sense.   All this time Caden thought I was boring for wanting to do dishes before playing outside and I thought he was just being silly for not putting away the laundry before he went longboarding.   Well, this makes so much sense now.    Thank you free marriage counseling.   

Yesterday was my first day as a real honest nurse.  They have me orient two shifts on every floor for the entire month of November.  Yesterday the nurse thought I could handle it and let me take three patients all by myself.  She didn't follow me into the rooms, she didn't watch me give meds, she didn't tell me what to do.  She just let me be a nurse, and it was such an incredible, scary, exciting, worrying, thrilling day.   I didn't manage to kill anyone.  Only cut my finger once.  And didn't forget anyones medications.   Pretty much a rockstar.

We signed a year lease on our cute apartment.  The lease is up in March.  It's now November.  We haven't even considered moving or looking or buying or renting or anything.   Slightly stressed.  Mostly  concerned that I'm not really concerned.   Things have just kind of worked themselves out for Caden and I and I feel like that might be the case again come March.  Maybe, just maybe, this awesome house will show up in the perfect neighborhood and only be $20 to buy.   Here's to hoping.

Speaking of big plans--Caden takes his GRE test in two weeks.  This is similiar to an SAT in that it's a bunch of general information that he is tested on: math, reading, history, geology, science, etc.   He must to well in order to be accepted into the graduate program that he chooses.  In real life scenario, I would be stressed out of my mind for this test.  However, Caden is the best test taker I have ever met in my entire life.  He studies for an hour and can pull a 90% without breaking a sweat.  I could study for 7 hours straight, 7 days a week and be lucky to pull off an 80%.   That boy has testing gifts.    I pray that he rocks it and may the odds forever be in his favor.

Things are happening in the Hall house.  Lots of testing, new jobs, new schooling, new houses, new plans.   All this growing up and getting older.   It's such a fun time.   And such a new experience. 

Cheers to new things.
Kudos to change.
and good thoughts for my Caden on his test.

One of Those Days.

I have a serious pet-peeve: when people say "It's just been one of those days..."  

I don't know what it is about this phrase, but instantly I'm annoyed.  

If your day isn't going so great, take a hot bath and a nap. 
Don't blame it on the day. 

And, on that same note: people who say this saying, say it often. 
Ever think maybe it's YOU that has the bad stuff going, not the day? 

End rant.

Baby Hall

Written 10/30/2013---

These past few days I've felt like an emotional wreck.  I thought it was just a serious case of PMS.   ...which I don't usually get.  

I found myself annoyed at the smallest things: Why did people in the grocery store had to stop in front of the food items I wanted to buy?  Why did my upstairs neighbor insist on turning on the air conditioner in the middle of fall?  Why did the cords on my TV have to ALWAYS be tangled the wrong way?  Why was my text tone SO loud and SO annoying?  Why did my nail polish chip the day after I painted my nails?

Why? Why? Why?!

I put up with it for a day.  Then another.  Then another.  Then another.
After four days of feeling this way, I finally mentioned it to Caden.   He agreed that I had been on edge and thought I was just ready to start my period.  So, I started counting back a few weeks.  1...2...3...4.

Yep, I was late..but, that's not unusual for me.  Sometimes my period will be regular for months on end, sometimes it won't come for 6 or 7 months.   So, I argued with myself until last night.  I was home alone while Caden worked and I decided to take a trip to the store for a pregnancy test.  I had no make up on.  No sort of hairstyle whatsoever.  And no bra.   I threw on a hoodie and headed down the street for an First Choice test.

After a quick pee, I noticed two solid lines.

Pregnant.

That can't be right.  I stared at it again.  Then, I ran out to the living room and sat on the couch.  Pregnant? Can that be true?   Caden and I had gone off birth control just three months prior, but I never thought my body would respond so quickly.   I paced around my living room and then back to the bathroom.  Yep.  Two pink lines.  Pregnant.     I read the box for instructions.  Did I do it right?  Am I reading something wrong?   Nope.   I'm pregnant!   Oh my gosh.  Oh my gosh.   Back to the couch.  Grab my phone.   I can't text Caden this information, but he won't be home for another half hour.   Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.   Back to the bathroom.   Stare at the stick another time and get the happiest tears rolling down my face. 

I'm really pregnant.   :)

The next half hour was the longest half hour of my life thus far.   I tried to watch TV to pass the time, but all I could think about was telling Caden this news.   FINALLY, he walked in the door.  I asked him about his day as I usually do.  We smooched.  We hugged.  He told me all about his day at work and what he learned at school.  Then, I told him I had a surprise and  he had to close his eyes.

I handed him the stick and told him to open.

His jaw dropped open and he looked at me.  "Really?! Is it true?!" He asked.   Yep.  It's true.   We are doing this.   He screamed and he yelled and he hugged me and we kissed.  And excitement filled his face.  More screaming. More kissing.  More tears for me.  

Of course, I didn't sleep all night long.   How can you sleep with information as exciting as this?   So, I spent the whole night lying in bed planning how to tell our families.  When morning came, I got ready thinking how careful I had to be not to upset the little baby inside me.   As I kissed Caden goodbye he told me "Be careful, love.  You have our baby inside you."   

I can't believe this.
We are pregnant.
We are having a baby.
and my babies dad is Caden.

Too exciting.  
Eeeek!

Tips on Marriage.

I have this phobia of getting divorced.
I've blogged about this issue before.
It freaks me right-the-heck out.  

So, I do a lot of reading on successful marriages.
...and this, is by far, the best advice I have read.

It's so simple.
So true.
So perfect.

So, I'm posting here so that I never forget these things.

 

Ginger, without the bread.

This is me as a red head, in all my natural glory.

No dye.

No fluff.

No pretend.

I'm a red head.

 

This is what I wish I looked like as a red head.

Fierce and delicious and divine.

Instead, I look like this.
Which is good for no one involved.

Thus, resulting in box dye.

Or, sometimes expensive great hair dye job by my stylist.

 

 

 

 

Parenthood.

Since I'm currently inbetween jobs, I have had the past thousand days off.
...or so it feels that way.

I finished my last day as a CNA on Saturday, October 12th.  I don't start again as a nurse until Thursday, October 18th.  That's six entire days I have been home doing nothing.

Which has been kind of nice.

I've cleaned our apartment, made some dinners, organized, cleaned some more and watched a lot lot lot of Parenthood.

 

Ahhh, Parenthood.

 

This show makes me absolutely terrified to have children.  Yet, totally excited at the same time.   It's proof that no matter how ready or not ready you are, children come when children are dang well ready to come.  

 

So, how do you know when you are ready to have a little babe?  Is it when you are done with school? When you've saved up enough money? When you have a big enough house? When you reach a certain age? When you have traveled and seen the world? When you have been married at least 5 years?   

 

Nope.   Children come when children are ready to come.

I just picture our little tykes up in heaven, looking down on us, waiting for the perfect most opportune moment to blast down and surprise us with the biggest shock and most exciting present of our lives.

Until that day, here is to more hours spent curled up in the couch underneath my electric blanket.  Waiting for Cadet to come home from school or work and waiting for him to snuggle me to my hearts desire.  

Cheers to that.

Sharing is Caring.

Today in class we discussed alcoholism and how it can be hereditary.  As this fellow was presenting it was typical facts and blah, blah, blah.   And then, in his closing remarks, he mentioned that he is an alcoholic and how he lost everything because of his addiction.

All the sudden the presentation wasn't blah, blah, blah anymore.
All eyes were on him and his words were cemented into my brain.

His story really touched me.  He apologized for getting emotional and I wiped away my tears.  It was such an incredible story.  Incredibly sad, but incredibly inspiring that he has turned his life around and now is willing to educate people on this disease.  

So, my question is this: why don't we share these things that are taboo?  Why aren't more people willing to express their hardships and their struggles?  Why do we constantly try to put on a persona that we are perfect and life is lovely?  

I learn so much more from personal stories and I learn even more from those who have hardships.  My heart connects to those who are willing to share and I instantly feel bonded to anyone and everyone that opens up to me and exposes those underwires that no one dares share.  

Share with me.
Care with me.
Promise not to laugh.

Marriage Life is So Good.

Once you're married, people like to ask often how married life is.    I usually respond and tell them that it is so good, and I remember when people used to tell me that as a response.  I would always think it was so generic and that's just what they had to say. 

But truthfully, married life really is so good.

When I was a single girl, I stressed often about marriage.  I always thought it would be so difficult to join lives with another person and to share anything and everything about myself.  I enjoyed being single and I enjoyed having the freedom to do as I pleased and not worry about consulting with another person.  

Plus, I grew up in a home with divorced parents so marriage was a scary word and divorce was an even more scary word.  So, as a single girl, I was okay staying single. 

That is, until I met Caden.

As we started dating, my whole world changed.
...in a good way.

All the sudden I wanted nothing more than to be a pair.  I wanted him to be mine and I wanted me to be his.  I no longer wanted to be single and I wanted to share anything and everything I could with Caden.

When I was dating in my younger years, people always told me "When you know, you know."   And I remember thinking, "How in the world am I going to know?!" 

And then I knew.
Out of no where.

It hit me like a ton of bricks and I knew that Caden was my lobster and that I wanted nothing more to be married to him for the rest of my forever.

Our wedding day was the most magical, most perfect, most fairy-tale day.   I wasn't nervous.  I wasn't scared. I didn't get cold feet.  I was just excited and absolutely 100% positive that this is what I wanted to do, what I needed to do, what I was destined to do.  

Since then, every day has felt that way.  I couldn't have planned a more perfect husband.  I love everything about being married.  I love the way he wakes me up in the morning and the way he tucks me in at night.  I love the way he makes the bed in the mornings, even if the pillows aren't just right.  I love how he lets me have the fire place on, even if he is melting.  I love the way he does the dishes and scrubs with all his muscle.  I love when he brings me home chocolate milk, because he knows it's my favorite.  I love when he makes out the grocery list and calls our dish scrubber a "scrubby thing".  I love his dance moves in his underwear, his loud singing voice, his silly jokes that make only me laugh, the way he folds our laundry and never dares put it aways for fear that he might "mess it up".   

He truly is the best husband.

So believe it when I say, marriage life truly is so good.
So so good.

Apartment Tour.

Here is our living room.  The first room you see in our home.
That blue table is a table my big sister, Cass, made.  It's product of a door + crib.  Voila! 

This is the fireplace.  I LOVE fireplaces.  I turn it on even when it's 100 degrees outside.  Those witch shoes are my very first craft, ever.  That H is our guest book from our wedding. 

This is our collection of movies and books.  Caden is all about having a gigantic library one day.  So far we only have a bookcase, but one step at a time.

This is my bathroom.  Caden has his own.  This is full of perfume, makeup, girly stuff, foo-foo and hair all over the floor.  All the joys of a girly bathroom.

This is our kitchen/dining room.  I love how big and open it is. 

And yes, those are dirty dishes in our sink.  See that dishwasher in the corner? Its on wheels and you hook it right up to the sink and plug it in.  Fancy pants.  

These are all the cute things on our fridge.  We have a calendar that we write all our days we work on.  Otherwise, we would both be lost and never know when to go to work.

I've always wanted these little canister things.  Can you tell we eat a lot of sugar in our house?  Plus, whoever gave us those knives, I LOVE them.  Each color does a different function.  SO much fun.

 

This is where we play games.  Most people eat on their kitchen table.  We, however, play games.  This table was given to us by our blogger friend, Jess.  That door was given to me by my sister, Cass.  She found it on the side of the road.  I LOVE treasures.

This was given to us by Caden's parents.  They sold their cabin in the knick of time and gifted us most of their furniture.  I LOVE this.  It matches our kitchen perfectly.  And that little chalk-board is fun to write little messages on.  That was a gift from my BFF, Janelle.

This is Caden's favorite part of the house.  LOOK AT ALL THOSE SPICES.

And yes, they are in alphabetical order.   Would you like to season something?  We got you covered.   Below the spices is appliances galore.  Toaster. Crock Pot. Waffle Maker. Snack Master. Milk Steamer. Ninja Small. Ninja Big.  Yep, we cook things.

Another shot of our gigantic walk in pantry.  And my cute apron that I wear when I cook, because I'm the messiest cook in all the land.

We are one of the few who were blessed with a washer and dryer in an apartment.  So, this is the washer and dryer and vaccum and dirty laundry.  

Here is our bedroom.  That big empty space on my wall is a project in the making.  I plan to do some sort of display of our wedding vows.  I just haven't quite found the perfect idea yet.  But, it's in the making.

Here is what I see when I wake up in the mornings.  Im a bit tired of the jewelry hanging on display.  However, I love being able to see all my jewelry at once.  Not sure which I want more.   And those are Caden's hats hanging under cute pictures of us.  Another great wedding present from Jordan and Tiffany.

This was a fun wedding present--personalized towels.   This keeps Caden from getting boogers on my towel.   Kidding.  He doesn't have boogers...

This is storage upon storage.  This is where we put things that we don't know where to put other things.   Camping gear. Swimming gear. Boarding gear. 

This is probably a fire hazard...

This is my favorite part of the whole house.

Caden leaves me cute little notes all over the house.

This one was found on our fridge.

What a cute guy he is.  

 

And, that's our apartment.

It's the best apartment I have ever seen.

and I love everything about it.

 

Ta-Da.

iPhone 4s.

I'm back in the technology world.

Ahhhh, so refreshing.

 

 

I never knew how much I loved pictures until I was without a camera/phone.  I also never knew how fun personalized text tones are, and wallpapers that change, and facebook at my fingertips.

 

And, can we talk about Siri?!

 

She is the best.  I love that feature more than anything and wished I had Siri in my life long, long ago.  

 

Text me.

Call me.

Give me any excuse to use this new lovely phone.

 

Shop 'til You Drop.

When I'm on pinterest looking at fashion, it seems so easy to put an outfit together.  
Shirt. Pants. Shoes. Purse. Jewelery. Scarf.  
Ta-da.  DIVA.

In real life, I go shopping and I come home with 10 hoodies and 3 graphic T's that look exactly like the rest of the things in my closet.

Please, someone let me pay you to shop for me.
...and by "pay you", I mean "make you cookies".

mmmmkay.  Thanks.  Bye.

From Pictures to Stick Figures.

The worst thing happened a few weeks ago.

My camera broke.

...and will never work again.

 

This is maybe the 4th camera I've broken in 5 years.

Not exaggerating.

Why am I so hard on electronics?

 

So without a camera, most people rely on their phone.

Well, I'm rocking this gem.

This phone doesn't take pictures.

...or receive them.

 

No instagram, no internet connection, no facebook, and NO camera.

 

How will I document the first year of our marriage without a functioning camera?!

 

Stick figure drawings, I suppose.

 

Mormon Message: Win the Race.

Recently I posted about being afraid to share my testimony when it wasn't something I was fully confident in.  I mentioned that I felt like I was trying to run when I had just learned to walk, and was too unsteady to accomplish such a heavy task. 

Since then, I've received my patriarichal blessing and in it it mentions two different times that I need to not let my past keep me from teaching others and keep my from sharing with others.

That got me thinking.
...and I've been thinking a lot ever since then.

My belief about the church is what it is because of some awesome people in my life.  These people are people who weren't afraid to share their stories and weren't afraid to be themselves.  Often, in any religion, you find the ones who try to portray their perfect christ-like attributes.  That's not always how a person is all the time.   In fact, my testimony grew and continues to grow more for those people who are imperfect.  I learn from those who struggle, those with trials, those with a past that is like me. 

I was inspired by my high school seminary teacher who used to drink alcohol and smoke cigarrettes.  I was inspired by a friend who tells "off color" jokes in class and makes everyone laugh.  I was inspired by a boy who struggled with addiction his entire life. 

It's these people and it's their stories that let me know the church is a safe place to be.  After hearing where they have been and what they have done, I felt more accepted into the church.  I felt more invited and I felt like I belonged.  I am not a perfect saint.  I don't always remember to say my prayers and I don't always understand my scriptures.  I don't know all the answers in Sunday school and I can't tell you how all the stories in the bible end.   

But I can tell you that I'm getting better.
...every single day.

And I hope that I can inspire someone, anyone, to do the same.  
Maybe, for that person, getting better isn't through the church.  Maybe getting better doesn't have to mean quitting drinking.  Maybe it just means being a better person,  a better mother, a  better friend, a better wife... However that may be.

Here is my most favorite poem of all time.  And I cry every single time I read it.   ...but it makes me want to be better.  Always.

Whenever I start to hang my head in front of failure’s face,

my downward fall is broken by the memory of a race.

A children’s race, young boys, young men; how I remember well,

excitement sure, but also fear, it wasn’t hard to tell.

They all lined up so full of hope, each thought to win that race

or tie for first, or if not that, at least take second place.

Their parents watched from off the side, each cheering for their son,

and each boy hoped to show his folks that he would be the one.

The whistle blew and off they flew, like chariots of fire,

to win, to be the hero there, was each young boy’s desire.

One boy in particular, whose dad was in the crowd,

was running in the lead and thought “My dad will be so proud.”

But as he speeded down the field and crossed a shallow dip,

the little boy who thought he’d win, lost his step and slipped.

Trying hard to catch himself, his arms flew everyplace,

and midst the laughter of the crowd he fell flat on his face.

As he fell, his hope fell too; he couldn’t win it now.

Humiliated, he just wished to disappear somehow.

But as he fell his dad stood up and showed his anxious face,

which to the boy so clearly said, “Get up and win that race!”

He quickly rose, no damage done, behind a bit that’s all,

and ran with all his mind and might to make up for his fall.

So anxious to restore himself, to catch up and to win,

his mind went faster than his legs. He slipped and fell again.

He wished that he had quit before with only one disgrace.

“I’m hopeless as a runner now, I shouldn’t try to race.”

But through the laughing crowd he searched and found his father’s face

with a steady look that said again, “Get up and win that race!”

So he jumped up to try again, ten yards behind the last.

“If I’m to gain those yards,” he thought, “I’ve got to run real fast!”

Exceeding everything he had, he regained eight, then ten...

but trying hard to catch the lead, he slipped and fell again.

Defeat! He lay there silently. A tear dropped from his eye.

“There’s no sense running anymore! Three strikes I’m out! Why try?

I’ve lost, so what’s the use?” he thought. “I’ll live with my disgrace.”

But then he thought about his dad, who soon he’d have to face.

“Get up,” an echo sounded low, “you haven’t lost at all,

for all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.

Get up!” the echo urged him on, “Get up and take your place!

You were not meant for failure here! Get up and win that race!”

So, up he rose to run once more, refusing to forfeit,

and he resolved that win or lose, at least he wouldn’t quit.

So far behind the others now, the most he’d ever been,

still he gave it all he had and ran like he could win.

Three times he’d fallen stumbling, three times he rose again.

Too far behind to hope to win, he still ran to the end.

They cheered another boy who crossed and won first place,

head high and proud and happy -- no falling, no disgrace.

But, when the fallen boy crossed the line, in last place,

the crowd gave him a greater cheer for finishing the race.

And even though he came in last with head bowed low, unproud,

you would have thought he’d won the race, to listen to the crowd.

And to his dad he sadly said, “I didn’t do so well.”

“To me, you won,” his father said. “You rose each time you fell.”

No Bull-y.

I've decided to start a New Year's Resolution in mid-September.
We shall call it an "Almost-end-of-the-year Resolution".  

I've decided to talk about people as if they were standing right beside me.

No back-talk.
No slander.
No name calling.
No judging.
No labels.

Just true face-to-face talking.

I was inspired by this video.


I usually try my best to be nice.
...but some days I don't do as well.

And I can always, always get better.

So, here is to Almost-end-of-year Resolutions.
And cheers to anti-bullying.

Iris, if you were a melody.

Piano music is the best thing I've ever put my ears through.

It makes me do a big fat sigh of relief.
...I love it.

It's like when you are scalding hot and jump into a nice big cold pool.  That's what piano music does to my brain when my brain is under a lot of stress.   Piano music is to brain as pool is to hot body.  

Speaking of piano music, ever seen The Holiday?  
Oh how I love this scene.

Begin at 55 seconds and watch from there.
"...I used only the good notes."  
Makes me fluttery inside.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LiH4HPdbhmc&feature=player_detailpage

....so, I don't know how to post it on my blog but click the linky. 

Pinterest Fails.

Sometimes in pinterest land I get caught up in trying to be the perfect wife, home-maker, nurse, student, daughter, cook, etc.

I see all these most perfect creations and I think that I have to be just as perfect as them.

...and then I stumble across this and suddenly I feel better about being me and not being so perfect.

I love pinterest fails.
...makes me love crafting even that much more.

RN - Real. Nurse.

Ohhh, blog. I'm in such a happy place.

Two days ago my manager offered me an RN position on the floor I already work on.   As a real live nurse.

Working on a floor that I already know and already love.
Holy hannah, could I be more lucky? Yes, I can.

Lucky because, this job shouldn't have gone to me. I had some kinks and mistakes I needed to work out through HR. They didn't feel appropriate to hire me without working this things out, and I felt forced to leave a place that I love.

After prayer, talking to Caden, crying my eyes out, and talking to parents, I decided to fight for my life. I wrote a letter and I pleaded my case. I met with the appropriate people and tried my best for the opportunity to work as a nurse and for another chance to redeem myself.

To my surprise, it worked.

They called me in a few days later and told me I had a great case and that I deserved a shot at working as a nurse.

Can I get a halle-lujah?

So, I cried for the hundreth time in the office, told them all "Thank You" for this opportunity and saving grace, and left with the biggest smile on my face. It's not always easy to stand up for yourself. Especially when you know it was something you did wrong. However, I felt like giving it a fighting chance. I needed to try to prove what I was worth and I needed my voice to be heard.

And it was heard loud and clear.

I'm incredibly lucky.
  ...and so grateful.

I'm grateful they saw something in me worth fighting for. The nursing market is full of new grads aching and waiting for positions, and they offered it to me. They gave me a second chance and they are putting their faith in me. And that is such a wonderful feeling.

I can't believe how far I've come. I remember blogging about getting a job as a CNA and how thrilled I was. I remember the day I applied to nursing school, and the day I was accepted. I remember two years of studying, crying, learning, memorizing. And now, it's all come to the ultimate goal.

I'm working as an RN in a hospital.
Eeeek!

The sky is the limit now.
...and I feel incredibly blessed.

Wifi. Lion King Fingers.

Check me out.  
Blogging from my couch. 

Upstairs neighbor let us share her internet.
...for FREE.

What a gem.

Not sure if this is a blessing, or a curse.   Yes, now we have wifi to do homework.  But, now we have Netflix, blogger and pinterest to distract me from homework.

"Sorry I didn't get my homework done. 
I was researching how to paint my fingernails in a lion king design." 

Ohhhh, dear.

Mormon Message: Testimony Meeting

Today was testimony meeting in church.  

...for those few who are not Mormon, this is when people from the congregation stand and tell everyone their feelings about the church and something spiritual they would like to share.   Anyone can do it, we just all take turns to stand.

Well, I have never in my life shared my testimony in church.  I never felt like it was worth anything and I felt silly standing to share something I wasn't completely confident in.    Like learning to walk, I was still stumbly and wobbly and not quite ready to just start running.  

Today, though, I felt some serious burning in my chest to share.   However, I chickened out.  So, I thought what better place to share than my little blog?    Here goes nothing.

This week Caden and I had the opportunity to get our Patriarchal blessings.   Again, for those who are not Mormon, this is when you meet with a particular man of the church who is ordained to do this certain thing.  He gives a blessing, similar to a fortune teller.    It's sort of a guide towards your future and tells you some things that you may or may not already know.

Caden already has had his, mine is on Tuesday.

If you were to tell me 2 years ago that I'd be married, receiving a Patriarchal blessing, and planning a temple marriage, I probably would have laughed in your face.   The amount of change that my life has taken has been I N C R E D I B L E.   ...and completely worth it.

Caden has been such an inspiration to me and our story makes my heart melt.   Although Caden has been active all his life, we sort of have been discovering the church together.  We read our scriptures together, we pray together, we discuss things together, and we learn together.  He answers any and all my questions, even the ones that are completely ridiculous.  He never once laughs at me or makes me feel like a fool.   And the way our relationship has grown has been such a mind-boggling experience.

I've had so many little "missionaries" in my life who have pushed me towards the path I wanted to be on.  Some were more aggressive, others just offered a simple phrase or word to spark my interest.  I've had friends, family, teachers, managers and colleagues all guide me in a way that I will never forget.  

So, my testimony is this: Today I'm grateful for those who have helped me onto the path I am on.  So many have touched my heart and helped my testimony grow.  And it's not always the ones who are gung-ho in the church.  It's the cute mom who reads to her children at night. The cute couple who goes on date nights to get ice cream.  The Dad who plays games with his family after dinner.  The teacher who shares his struggles with the church and the way he overcomes them.   So many people have inspired me to live a better life, to do better, to become better.   My life has changed drastically because of them and I have never been in a better place in my life.

And for them, I'm so grateful.
...for the Gospel, I am so grateful.
For GOD, I am so grateful.
and for love, I am so grateful.

Amen.

CPR certified. Tongues. BSN.

I started my first day of the Bachelor's program today.

We did that thing where you go around the room and tell one interesting fact about ourself.  I said that I can swallow my tongue.   ...which I can, by the way.

Some other guys fun fact was that he was CPR certified and could save my life if I couldn't get my tongue out of my throat.   

Made me laugh.
Nurses are so funny.

It's common when I go places that I immediately think, "If someone went into cardiac arrest, I'd be responsible for them because I'm a nurse."   

Pretty vain, I know.  But, I always think it.   I pick out the most unhealthy looking person assuming he/she will go into cardiac arrest and then I make a judgement on whether or not I'd feel competent enough to save that person.

Silly things nurses do.

Cheers to another year of Nursing.

Hospice Nursing.

How I know I want to be a hospice nurse: Part One.

 

When I have a load of 5 or 6 patients, I try to take equally great care of them all.  Make sure they are all bathed, clean, happy, smelling good, smiles on their face, nice and snuggly.  

 

However, throughout my whole shift, I find myself worrying about the one particular patient I have who is on hospice.  I worry about him/her and I want to hurry back to their room as quick as I can to make sure they are doing okay.  I find myself talking more intimately with this particular kind of patient to find out their story, to hear where they have been, to hear where they are going, to listen to their family and to bond.

 

Of course, I want my "healthy" patients to do just as well and I want them to progress and get better, too.  But, something about the hospice patient pulls at my heart strings and I want nothing more than to make them comfortable.  I want to fluff their pillows, turn them, powder their bottoms, turn the radio to some soft music, and offer them sips of water.  

 

And I want to do that allllll day long.

Just sit with them and listen to them cry, laugh, vent, share.  

Alllllll day.

 

And then I go home and I worry about them.  And I pray for them.  And I think about them often. That's how I know that hospice is for me.  That's how I know where I want to be as a nurse.

 

Somewhere that pulls on my heart strings.

and somewhere that makes me want to be a better nurse EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

 

Falling for Fall.

This makes me happier than anything.

Oohhhh, fall.

I love it.

:)

Searching for Jobs.

You know when you have an outfit and it's the cutest, most beautiful, most adorable, best outfit in your closet and you are dying to wear it but it just doesn't fit anymore? You love the outfit and you loved when it fit and you loved how it made you feel, but now you try it on and you've just completely outgrown it?

That's me. That's how I feel about my job as an aide. I love working as an aide and it made me happier than anything ever has, but I've outgrown it. Now I come to work and feel like I'm being mocked and degraded. I feel like the knowledge I've learned over the past two years has been pushed to the back burner and I'm not able to uitilize my skills, and that's frustrating.

I'm trying to squeeze back into my sparkly outfit, but it just isn't working.

I left work after a twelve hour shift yesterday and I cried the whole way home. I'm stuck inbetween positions where I don't fit in as an aide anymore and I'm not quite a nurse. I don't feel like I belong in either spot.

...and I hate not fitting in.

I'm ready to be a nurse. A real nurse. A nurse who starts IVs, gives medications, listens with a stethoscope. A nurse who is thirsty for knowledge and eager to help. A nurse that saves lives, continues to learn, continues to grow.

But, instead, I'm stuck as an aide who has reached the top of the ladder and ran out of steps. I don't feel like I can progress any further as an aide, and now I feel like I'm regressing. I don't try as hard or push as hard or give as hard because I don't have the motivation. And that's a horrible, awful thing.

Maybe it's a debbie downer day. Maybe I can blame it on the lack of sleep, or the hunger, or the PMS.

...or maybe I really just need to get a nursing job. And F A S T.

Cassie's Engaged.

Nothing makes me more happy than people in love.
...and nothing says "love" like an engagement.

Last weekend my big sister got engaged to her girlfriend of two years, Miss Lacey.   Cassie is one-of-a-kind girl and Lacey matches Cassie like salt matches pepper.

....or a more romantic analogy.

Lacey took Cassie up to the mountains for a fishing trip.  They fish all the time together and they are good at it.  They have their very own canoe, fishing poles, and gizmos and gadgets to catch all sorts of big fish.

Bet Cassie didn't know she was catching a fiance' today.

That's the ring there, on the end of the pole.

How romantic.

And this is Cassie as happy as a clam.

And this is them together.

Super in love.

Super perfect for each other.

This makes me happier than a sister could ever be.   I've always been protective of Cassie and of her relationships.  I've always felt like I needed to defend her and support her and educate people on the LBGT community.   

Cassie never has been that way.

Cassie just lives.  And she just does.   She doesn't give a care about what people think and she doesn't worry about what those have to say.  She doesn't try to defend herself because, to her, there is nothing to defend.  She doesn't defend her relationship in the same way that I don't have to defend mine.  It just is. And I find that incredibly inspiring.

Jenny Boylan, author of She's Not There said it best.   "I'm sorry I can't make it make more sense to you.  But it is what it is.  Whether I 'really am' gay, whether I 'had a choice' or not, whether anything no longer matters.  Having an opinion about homosexuality is about as useful as having an opinion about blindness. You can think whatever you'd like about it, but in the end, your friend is still blind and surely deserves to see."  

Cassie just is.  And her relationship with Lacey just is.   It's normal and it's healthy and it's obviously natural.  Their love for one another is completely beautiful and Lacey makes Cassie happier than anyone ever has.  I am so glad that Cassie found her lobster and I'm so very glad that lobster is Lacey.

Congratulations to them both.

...and hooray for love.





Nursing School: The End.

Nursing school is O V E R. 

Thats such a weird sentence to type.   I don't know how to feel about that.  If I go back and read old posts, all I wanted was the end to be here.  Now it's here and I feel...lost.  

For the past two years nursing school has consumed my life, and that's not even a little bit of an exaggeration.   All I thought about was school.  All I did was school.  My brain was full of when to study, how to study, where to study, what to study.  Class was three days a week for 8 hours a day.  Lab was once a week for 8 hours a day.  Clinical was 24 hours a week, sometimes more.   My friends were nursing students.  My text messages were about nursing, from nursing students, to nursing students, complaining about nursing school.  

Nursing.
Nursing.
Nursing.
Nursing.

For two entire years.

And now it's over.   After a million tests and a hundred billion hours of studying, it's all done.   We took our last final on Tuesday.  We signed our grades.  We withdrew from the school.  And that was all.  Our grades would be posted in a few weeks, our diploma will be sent in the mail.  No more coming back. E V E R.   

We left the building and we all sat on the grass, just looking at each other.   Like we were just dropped off into the real world.  No more instructors to watch over us, no more guidlines and rules to follow.  No more schedule or calendar or due dates.  Just real life nursing and we are here.   

As we drove away, I felt like hugging all 40 of my classmates.  Just to thank them for being my nursing class.  It's a bond that you can't replace with any other person.  No one quite understands nursing school like those in your class.  No one gets how emotionally, physically and mentally consuming nursing school is except those in your own class.   I feel connected to these people for all of forever.  These are the ones I turned to when no one else understood.  These are the ones who saw me at my best, my worst, my emotional breakdowns, my huge accomplishments, my As, my Fs, my growth, my depletion, and my transition.

...and I just drove away, maybe never seeing them again.   What a weird feeling it is.  

I can't explain how I feel.  It's a loss that doesn't make any sense.  I always thought I would be so grateful to escape that hellish place.  But, now I feel a huge hole in it's place.  I'm not sure what it is that I miss.  Maybe the class, maybe the routine, maybe the goofy-crazy-odd things nursing school does to a person.  I don't know, but it's forever gone and it won't ever come back.  

I'm grieving over a class that has changed me forever. I am the nurse I am because of the experiences I've had and I hope to never ever forget those times.  

Nursing school has my heart.
and will forever be a part of me.