Under Construction.

Don't judge me right now.
I'm working a new layout.
...it's obviously not done yet.

New Friends.

Ahhh, these new nursing blogs I've found have made me melty.
I am not alone in the big scary medical world.

Hey new friends, thanks for being stalker-able.

Wanna' know why I'm super scared to be a nurse?

Because I'm not very smart.  
I'm book smart, but definitely not common sense smart.


Let me give you an example:
I was snow blowing the driveway the other day and almost chopped off my fingers.   Blower got jammed so I stuck my hand inside by reflex.   Felt the blade, said a few swear words, threw my glove off and thanked my lucky stars that my fingers were still there.   

Ugh. 

How am I going to survive nursing school if I can't even plow the driveway?

Positive Polly.

Kaleena says: Change your Thoughts and Change your World.

Agreed.

So, I spent the day doing everything that makes me happy.  
I re-organized my closet, I cleaned my car, I went to Starbucks and got my favorite coffee, I went to Maple Gardens for ham fried rice, and I went tanning.   

Feeling better, but still a little under the weather.

So, I wrote a letter to my stepdad.  Ex-stepdad.

All the sudden, I feel better.

Too much anger was building in my heart.
And a heart is no place for anger.

So, I've turned over a new leaf.

No more sad.

Toodles, blues. 
See you next year.

Grumpy Goose.

I'm grumpy today.
I feel like at any second I could start crying at the drop of a hat.  I'm not sure what happened or what's making me feel this yucky funk, but I definitely don't like it.

My feelings of trust and closeness is getting more and more bizarre and weird.  Not only am I afraid of love and commitment, I'm now afraid of my family members being in love.  

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. 

Also, I have diagnosed myself with autism.  Looking people in the eyes makes me wicked uncomfortable.  Lights and sounds are way to loud and much too bright.  I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to touch people.  And I just want to be alone for majority of the day.   Autism or depression.  You decide.   I'm rooting for autism.

On a brighter note, I've done loads of boarding and can now spin down the mountain and go off boxes.  Yep, I'm a pro.    Before you know it, I'll have pictures of me and Sean White all over my blog. 

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Uhhh, where did Burlesque go
and why isn't in theaters anymore? 

On a happier note, Happy Christmas ya'll.

I'm totally ready for Nursing School, thanks to Santa.

I Need Therapy.

I need a therapist, of some sort.
I've got serious problems when it comes to relationships.
Not even love relationships.  Even my friend situations are messed up.

The minute I feel like someone is coming too close, I pull away.
I don't like people trying to step into my bubble.
It makes me feel super awkward.

I made the comment today that I hate making small talk, because I don't like people to know about my personal life.   After I said it I thought, "Yep, I definitely have some serious issues." 

It's obvious why I don't let people in.
But, how do you overcome something like this? 

Therapy session for 1, thanks.

Mashed Potatoes and Gravy.

There is this fellow that delivers all the room trays to my patients.  He's yummy and we flirt.  I have no idea what his name is, or when I will see him next.  But today, he was there a bunch.  

I asked him to bring some mashed potatoes and gravy up on his next run, for me.  He laughed and said he would see what he could do.   The more trays he brought, the less mashed potatoes and gravy I saw.   So we teased some more and did all the silly immature elementary things you do when you flirt.   Awesome.

Well, 8:30 rolls around and this time a girl brings the trays.  She asks who Callie is and I say "That's me."   Then, she hands me mashed potatoes and gravy.

This mystery boy paid for my mashed potatoes and gravy 

and had them sent up to my floor.

Made me melty.
What a sweetheart.

Only downfall: he didn't leave his name or number.  A smart dude would have written "Jake 801-555-5559" on the styrofoam cup.   Duh.   

Surving Nursing School, by Estelle.

Estelle,

Thank you for this.  

Just what the doctor (or Nurse) ordered.

xoxo

Orientation, day #1.

I had my nursing orientation today.
I cried tears of joy the whole way home.

This is happening for me, and I'm super stoked.

Remember how I thought I was so behind
and wasted so much time and
blah, blah, blah? 

Turns out that I'm one of the youngest in my class. 

Welp, that was a big shocker.

These people have marriages, and kids, and other degrees.   And here I am, feeling like I'm a little younging again instead of 100 years old.   Such great news.

More great news, I got a scholarship.

They are practically paying me to go to school.

Ohhh man, things are working out.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be over here counting my blessings.

Free Hugs.

This is my one goal for the year.
My "new year's resolution", if you will.

I'm going to make one of these signs

and stand somewhere crowded

and I'm going to hug people all day long.  

Ahhh, I love this video.
I've probably seen it a million times.
...and I cry every single time.

Watch it, I dare you.

Who Should I Read?

Reader, I need your help.

I'm needing some new blogs to follow.
I want something witty, and humerous, and random.
Something similiar to Just Add Kaleena.
...who, by the way, I love.

kthanksbye.

Improving.

From THIS

 

to THIS.

 

Ahhhh, new phones.

Heart Burn and Sidekicks.

I don't even feel a little bit good right now.
Heart burn or panic attack, you decide.

I have about 5 phones at my house that all work mediocre-ly.  Some don't hold a charge, one has a touch screen shortage, some don't have buttons that work right.  You get the idea.    So, I've just been switching them out weekly or monthly, until I can't stand the problem any longer and I trade it for a new problem.

Welp, I'm down to the last phone that works.  The other 4 have officially given up.  So, I'm back to the Sidekick 1 that I had in highschool.  It's super large and in charge and definitely very ghetto. 

I'll be at T-Mobile in the morning.
Maybe I'll see you there.  Bring the tums.

L O V E.

Love is a crazy thing.

Some people are all about love.  Always searching for it, talking about, sharing their experiences. Others are afraid of it, scared of it, worry about it.  

I'm the latter.

Love scares me.  It worries me. 
Of course I would love to be in love.  It's an amazing feeling once I'm there, but makes me wicked nervous and insecure.  I get afraid that at any moment he could leave, he could cheat, he could lie.  I'm trusting him with my entire heart not to hurt me and at any moment he could.   

Love scares me.

I read blogs and stories about woman who are 100% about love and marriage.   100% about finding "the one" and how happy he makes them.    Which is awesome.  I admire them for having such passion and dedication towards their relationship, and I wish more people were 100% invested in love.

But my life hasn't been that way.  My experiences has lead me to believe that love is scary, and not always safe.  Love can hurt and leave you left alone.  I've been burned too many times, I've seen too many of my family and friends burned.  I've conditioned myself to focus my attention on other things, other desires, other passions.  Other things than love.

Maybe I'm messed up.
Maybe I need a therapist.

But for now, this works for me.
And that's okay--in my mind.

Count Down.

Nursing school starts in three weeks.

Read this story and am shitting bricks. 
Am I ready for this?!

Debbie Downer.

Friends, thanks for all your kind words and motivation to keep on trucking.   My mom is seriously super hero and each day she impresses me more and more.    My family is one of a kind.  Instead of falling apart during crisis, we fall even closer together.  I couldn't imagine us getting any closer before, but this has definitely made that happen.   I'm oober grateful.

I haven't really grieved or cried about the situation and what's going on.   And maybe I won't.   If you've read my blog long enough, you know that I don't really grieve.  I pull together, I go into auto pilot, and I get through.

So if I seem anti-social, anti-blog, anti-facebook, it's because of this entire ordeal.     ...or because I'm snowboarding, which seems to be super helpful.

Ahhhh, snowboarding.  
Why have I gone so long without you for so many years?

Blogging Downer.

Do you ever feel like you have one person who reads your blog, just to stab and dig at all your flaws? Just to comment and say things to bring you down?

I have one of those readers.
And it's making me like blogging less and less.

The "D" Word.

I have trust issues with men.
I have my entire life.

And just when I feel comfortable and start to trust someone, something happens that makes me scared and run away and again.  Which then makes my trust issues even more severe.

My mom has been divorced twice.
...and now she's going through her third.

And I can't even imagine all the pain she has gone through, all the embarrassment, all the rumors, all the stories, all the trials, and all the forgiving that she's done.  She has been through a drug addict, an alcoholic and a cheater, and she's stuck by for it all.  She's given all three of her marriages 100% and then some, but eventually you have to stand your ground and say enough is enough.

And this time, it's enough.

My mom is incredibly strong.  She stands her ground and she doesn't let anyone tell her how to feel, what to do, or when to do it until she is ready.  And she's ready. 

She's ready to let go.  She's ready to stand up to the embarrassment and pain.  She's ready to be solo and I couldn't be more proud.

She makes me believe every single day that a woman doesn't need a man.  A woman is just as strong solo as she is in a pair.  And that is incredibly inspiring.

Following the Leader.

Welcome, TheSinglesWard.
Super great to have you here.

Break.

Instead of studying for my Patho test,

I decided to buy FOUR pairs of new boots.

Way better idea.

Growing Down, not Up.

Went to visit my cute friend Kalee (Hey, Kalee) in her new apartment.
It's super cute and homey and she lives there all alone.
She gets to do what she wants, say what she wants.
Dress how she wants, listen to what she wants.
No one is there to tell her not to.   
Just her and that's it.
TEMPTING.

I left there feeling oober jealous and wanting my own place real bad.  How cool to tell people "Wanna' come over?  Yeah, I have an extra room you can stay in."  Or whatever big kids say.   It would be so exciting.

But then tonight, after working a crazy day and getting off late, I walked into a warm house with the porch light on.  I walked into my Mom's bedroom and I kissed her goodnight.  I opened a fridge full of food and I took whatever I wanted out of there, for free.  I got on the internet to blog about this epiphany. FREE internet.  And later, I'm going to take a really long and super hot shower that my parents pay for.   Then, I'll crawl into bed next to my puppy, who isn't even mine but my mom shares.  

Life at home is pretty damn good.
I don't think I ever want to leave.
EVER.

Grumpy Goose.

Nothing makes me more grumpy than when someone calls me.
Why call me?  Just text me.

Avoid the small talk.

Avoid the awkward.

..and avoid interrupting the conversations
I'm currently having with 5 other people via text message.

kthanksbye. 

Catch Up. Catsup. Ketchup.

I'm getting real anxious for school.
This semester is over in ten days.
TEN.  

I have ten days to raise my grade 0.1% to bump me from a B+ to an A-.    

I promise this always happens to me.  Always miss it be a sliver.

Not this time, patho.  You're not getting the best of me.

I went into Mountain Ridge today to tell them to put me on the schedule.  Turns out 24 hours a week is definitely not enough for Christmas shopping.  Also, I miss that place WICKED bad.  Just walking into the building makes me happy.  I can't even explain how giddy it makes me.   If it weren't for tuition reimbursement through IHC, I'd go back in a heart beat.

End of December means beginning of January.

Beginning of January means school starts.  Not just normal school, Nursing School.   This means I start working Saturday and Sunday from 5am to 5pm.  I can't even tell you how unhappy 5am makes me.  I'm definitely not a morning person.   Although, I'm super stoked to have a set schedule.  I hate working some nights, some mornings, some twelve hour shifts, some four hour shifts.   Now I know that everyday after 5, I'm free.   [And by free, I mean at Starbucks studying my ass off.]   

Bring it on, 2011.  

I'm ready.

My Saturday.

Being single means you can do whatever you want, whenever you want.   I love this.   No checking in, no making plans around another person.  It's just me.  I decide what I want to do and I love that. 

ie:  Today I went shopping with Mom and then to lunch.   I layed around in my comfies majority of the day and finally finished the Friends series.   Went for a drive up the canyon and then went snowmobiling for the first time ever.

That's a good day, if I do say so myself.

Double the Pleasure, Double the Fun.

Do you people realize how easy it is to raise your credit card limit?    

Holy hannah.  

I had to pay for my books and such, so my mom suggest I put it on a credit card until I got my scholarship money.   I called the bank, talked for 5 minutes, and just like that they doubled my credit card limit.    Scary.

Words of Wisdom.

Story of my life.

I know what I want,
I know what I'm looking for.
I know what I'm working towards.

Second best is not an option.

'tis the Season.

I. Can't. Wait.

Going Friday.

Wanna' come?

I Have an Idea.

How about ONE more person writes a status update about the blizzard,
or sends me a text about how I better drive safe.

kthanksbye.

Social Network - I'm Out.

I deleted facebook again.

Maybe because I need to escape. Maybe because I'm running.
Maybe because I'm scared. Maybe because it's what I need right now.

Yes, it's definitely what I need right now.

Words of Wisdom.

People have scars, in all sorts of unexpected places. 
Like secret road maps of their personal histories. 
Diagrams of all their old wounds. 
Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. 
But some of them don't. 
Some wounds we carry with us everywhere,
and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers. 

Forgiveness is never easy.  Bitterness is easy.  Hatred is easy. 
But forgiveness, that is the tough one. 

Sometimes people say things they don't mean
or do things they can't take back. 
Sometimes we do things we can't take back. 
We are all afraid of something. 
 
What I have done is who I am,
but what I have done is not who I will be.  

-Jordyn Brooks

Change of Routine.

Thursday night I slept about a total of maybe an hour, off and on.  
Woke up at 0400 and went to work at 0500.

Friday night I slept for about 4 hours, but drank a little before bed. 
Woke up at 0400 and went to work at 0500.

This routine has definitely got to stop.
My body is going to throw a fit and retaliate with some sort of sickness.

Scardy Cat.

You know when you're laying in bed, totally comfortable and relaxed, and all the sudden you hear a scary noise so you sit at the edge of your bed with your fingers crossed and praying that nothing bad will happen?

That's my mindset right now.
I was totally comfortable laying in bed, and I felt completely relaxed.  Then, I heard something scary and now I'm at the edge of my bed and I'm praying that nothing bad happens.   I know in reality that I'm safe, but I still have the fear and I'm still saying my prayers that I'll be okay.

Wanna' Know a Secret?

I really dislike the gym.
Ugh.

Nails. Clothes. Hair.

Firstly, let me start by saying, my thumb nail has been ripped completely off.  I no longer have one and it's disgusting.  I don't remember if I blogged about the story or not, but all you need to know is I smushed it in the car door.   At three in the morning.  Awesome.

Second, here is a trick of the trade I would like to share.   Since I live on a CNA budget, and I only work 24 hours a week, I don't have money to shop.  So, when I feel like I have no clothes and that I am wearing the same 4 outfits, I dump all my clothes on the floor and I re-organize my closet.  It's like I just went shopping.  I remember shirts that I had stashed away and I remember how to mix and match again.   Wooo.

Lastly, I'm asking for a haircut and color for Christmas.   Let me know if you'd like to contribute.

kthanksbye.

ps.  When I wrote the title of this post, I realized it's all the things that are "girly" and I promise I didn't plan that.  What a co-ink-a-dink.

30 Questions, continued.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life. +
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

Remember this list? Yeah, me either. I totally forgot I was doing a 30 day thing. Oops.

--------------------------------------------------------
Day 6: Something I hope I never have to do.

I hope I never ever have to compromise school for something else. Whether that something be my Josh, a baby, a death, or my brain falls out. Even in the worst of worst situations, I still hope that I can keep on trucking and I hope that I can graduate. Graduation is what I've worked towards for the past 5 years of my life.

Most girls dream of finding Mr. Right and picture a beautiful house with a white picked fence. My visions always were me in a purple cap and gown, holding a big fat degree in my hands.

School has always been my number one and I hope that I never have to drop that.

--------------------------------------------------------

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living.

Oh man, how can you pick just ONE person? My life has been worth living for so many reasons, so many people, so many residents/patients, so many loves, so many breakups, so many family members, so many people.

I truly have loved every minute of my life. Sure, there were some crappy times. But, the good totally outway the bad. I've got an awesome group of people all around me. Probably the best group. ...and without naming names, because that'd be embarrassing if I forgot someone, I've definitely got some people that have made my life worth living.

--------------------------------------------------------

To be continued, blog land.
...and we've learned that these answers don't come on the correct day.

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like poopy.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.
Day 14: A hero that has let you down.
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before.
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself.

Favor.

Can someone please vaccuum my car and dust my room?
I haven't had time and it's getting a tiny bit out of control.
Kthanksbye.

Bucket List.

Day Five of 30 Questions: Something I hope to do in my Life.

• Graduate with my Bachelor's of Nursing.
• Marry a wonderful man in Hawaii.
• Travel to Europe and talk with an English accent.
• Ride an Elephant.
• Kiss the Blarney Stone.
• Have a baby Girl.
• Learn to slolomn ski.
• Speak Spanish.
• Play the Guitar---and play it well.
• Buy a Boxer.
• Salsa Dance with my Husband.
• Go White Water Rafting.
• Take up Photography.
• Solve the Rubik's Cube without taking off the Stickers.
• Be a better Scrapbook-er.
• Learn to say "No" without feeling Guilty.

....just to name a few.

Forgiving Him.

Day three of 30 questions is something I need to forgive myself for, and I don't like this question.   So, day four is something I need to forgive someone else for. 


I know what my answer would be, but I'm not really ready to talk about it.

This shit is getting personal.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE:
Let's talk about it.

My answer is easy, but my explanation is a little more difficult to type.  

The person I need to forgive the most in my life is my Dad.   My dad passed away when I was four, due to suicide.   My dad was in and out of rehab majority of my life with drug addictions. 

I don't remember anything about him.  I don't remember the way he looks, smells, talks, sounds, moves.  I don't remember his mannerisms, visiting him, seeing him, being held.  Nothing.   The only things I have relating to my dad are some old pictures of him when he was young, a briefcase that smells like an old library, and a big hole in my heart.  

My sisters remember, but not always the good things.  They remember the fights, the drugs, the hospitals.  They remember the scary times and the hard times.   But, they also remember the hikes, boating, fishing, camping. They remember doing things and going places.  They remember him, and I don't. 

I don't remember because I was young and because he left me at a young age.  He was selfish and took his own life, in hopes of ending the pain.  He didn't consider his daughters, his family, his friends. 

He just left, without saying goodbye, and I will never forget.

Something I Dig.

So, I have a few things I dislike about me.
But I've got a bigger list of things I really like.

My most favorite thing: my optimism.  
I can turn almost any shitty situation into a positive one.  I can see the good in almost everyone.  I am pretty positive, pretty happy, pretty upbeat.   I rarely, if ever, lose my temper and I am pretty dang chill.

This has made my life really great.
Things come easy for me.  Learning is easy, jobs are easy, making friends is easy.  I get promotions easy, I progress quick, I am accepted fast. 

...this is beginning to sound real cocky.

Moral of the story:  I'm a happy girl and I really dig that about myself.  I like being happy, I like being positive, and I like being up-beat.   It's a good quality to have, and I'm real blessed that my glass is half full.

Something to Work On.

I don't really hate anything about me.
But I definitely dislike a thing or two.   

I dislike the fact that I worry.  If someone said to me "let's pack our bags and leave for Europe tomorrow," I would think of a million reasons why I couldn't go.   I've got school, I've got a job, I can't leave my mom.  I don't have enough money, I'm not ready, I don't have a plane ticket.      I rarely live life on the edge and I plan almost everything.  

I hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll grow out of this.
However, I kind-of-sort-of think it's planted in my brain--maybe genetic or something.    Maybe it's something I can work on and maybe Josh will help.   Eh.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go write in my day planner.

30 days of Questions.

I stole this from Chloe, and I really dig it.
However, I doubt I'll do each one of them--because some I don't like.
I also doubt that I'll do them on the right days, because sometimes I forget to blog.   
But the idea of it is great, so I'm going to attempt it.   
Ready, Set, Go.

• Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
• Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
• Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
• Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
• Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
• Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
• Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
• Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like poopy.
• Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
• Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
• Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
• Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
• Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.
• Day 14: A hero that has let you down. 
• Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without.
• Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
• Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
• Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
• Day 19: What do you think of religion?
• Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
• Day 21: Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before.  What do you do?
• Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
• Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
• Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
• Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
• Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
• Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
• Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
• Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
• Day 30: A letter to yourself.

Gas for Dummies.

So, I'm at the gas station getting gas.

I watch this lady fill up her tank while sitting in the drivers seat.   She's texting and talking to some dude across the parking lot and not paying attention.  I watch her start her car and drive away, while the hose is still in her gas tank.    

Uhhhhh.

The hose rips out of her car and she stops her car.  She looks at me in shock and says:  "Oh my gosh.  I've never done that before."

Yeah lady, I definitely hope this is the first time that this has happened.

Sister Wives.

I'm completely obsessed with this show.

This show is excellent publicity for polygamy because every time I watch it, I find myself thinking what a great idea polygamy is.

I also find myself wondering why I haven't ever thought about being a Sister Wife.





...and then I remember that I'd have to share my husband and have 1999 kids running around, and I remember why I'm a monogamy kind of girl.

Thumbs Up. ...kinda.

May or may not have broken my thumb when I
closed my car door with my thumb inside the crack.  

Excellent way to start my day.

Definitely not a morning person.

...especially at three in the morning.

Pursuit of Happyness.

When I'm feeling discouraged, I play this quote over and over in my mind.  I pretend like Chris Gardner is talking right to me, and then I feel like I can conquer the world.

Chris:  

"Hey, don't ever let somebody tell you that you can't do something.  Not even me, alright?  You got a dream? You gotta' protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna' tell you that YOU can't do it.  You want something? Go get it.  Period."

Thanks, Chris.
You're the best.

Pinching Pennies.

Sometimes I have plenty of money to last me until next payday.
Sometimes I definitely don't.

But nothing makes me more happy than budgeting my money.

It's like a tiny little game I play with myself.

Let's see how long I can make $15.00 last.
Let's try to save $100.00 by next month.
Let's pay off my student loan by October.

It's a challenge.

and I really dig it.

So much so, that I budget my sister's money, as well.
I broke down her bills, her income, her expenses.
I made a chart and a diagram, and I created a budget.

It's fun for me.
I dig it.

Maybe I should be an accountant and ditch the Nursing degree.

Psh.

Yeah right.

6.0.0.

POST NUMBER
600!

Super exciting.

Count your Blessings. Name them One by One.

Remember how sometimes I complain about school and stress?
Welp, I take it all back.

Today I was talking to a fellow classmate and this dude is oober positive about life.  He always tells me that things are going to be okay, and that I'll make it out alive.  He always has a smile on his face and he's always doing the very best he can.  

We had a little heart-to-heart today and he told me his story.  He's married and has three boys.  His wife works full time, he works full time, and he goes to school full time.  His wife works graveyards, he works days, and together they split the time watching children.  The only time they see each other is at the train station when they trade kid duty, kiss goodbye, and send one spouse to work while the other returns from work.

Seriously.  This is his life.

Oh yeah, and he has to be out of his house in 9 days and doesn't know where he's going to live.

I asked him how he was holding it together.  Why wasn't he freaking out?  His response: It'll work out.  It always does.

And he smiles.  And he continues to study.

What the crap?

Why have I been complaining of stress?

My life is not even kinda' stressful.

Not even a little bit.

Seriously.

Counting my blessings.

And praying for this dude.

Once upon a Time.

This one time...

I decided to stay up until 2am watching House, even though I had to work an 8 hour shift the next day starting at 5am, then study three chapters of Pathophysiology.

That was a good day.

Following the Leader.

Heeeyyyyy New Follower.
I don't know who you are, but super glad to have you.  

Following the Leader.

Welcome Jennifer Michelle and Mary Wilson.
Love new followers.


P.S.  Who's great idea was it to only get 4 hours of sleep and then try to work/study all day long the next day?   Oh yeah.  That was me and Mr. Soul Patch.    Ugh.    Do I regret it, though? Definitely not.

Bring on the Cold.

Is anyone else tired of the 80 degree weather?
For reals.  

I'm ready for sweats, jackets, hoodies.

I'm ready for boots and uggs.

I'm ready for hot chocolate and snuggles.

Hot weather makes me tired.

...and sweaty.

...and grumpy.

Plus, tanktops and shorts means I have to be skinny and shave my legs.
Sweaters and boots hide all that.   

Can it just be cold already, please?

Kthanksbye.

Bliss.

Woops.  Forgot to post yesterday.

Definitely a thumbs up day.
..still smiling about if 12 hours later.   

Not ready to talk about it yet.
Maybe later.
Toodles.

Jesus, from a Hippie Point of View.

Was studying at Starbucks today amongst a couple of hippies.

(Hippies = long hair/dreads, plain colored T-shirt, and some sort of tree-hugger look.)

These gentleman had a very deep conversation for a good 2 hours about Jesus, and their role in this world.  Pretty inspiring stuff, and super distracting from Pathophysiology.  

I couldn't help but giggle at the things that I heard.

"Dude, what is the role here on earth? To follow Jesus, that's it.  There is no other role I want to be a part of.  Do you know your great grandparents? Do you know their name? No. Because it doesn't matter who people are.  Jesus is what matters, that's all.  When I die, I don't want people to say that I was a successful business man.  I want people to say that I was a follower of Christ."

Amen, sir.

Amen.

Update.

Update on my Grog:

I already feel much better.  I think I needed some sleep, and boy on boy have I gotten it.  I took naps and I slept in and I feel all caught up again.  
Thank goodness.

I still feel pudgy, but not enough to do anything about it.
Running? No thanks.  

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to study my life away.
Learning about anemias and almost positive I'm bleeding internally, thanks to all the signs and symptoms I'm learning.

Morning Blues.

Holy BALLLLLLS.
Why do I continue to schedule myself for the morning shift?

0500 and 0600 are not happy times for me.

Definitely not.

Anonymous.

I allowed anonymous users to comment again, per Mom's request.
First day I allowed it to happen, I got a mean anonymous comment.

So, I blocked the anonymous comments, again.
Sorry mom.  Guess you'll have to leave comments via post it notes on our computer desk.

Damage Control.

The past week or two I've been in this ridiculous rut.
It's odd and it's different and I definitely don't like it.

I'm never one to be sad or depressed,
and if I am, it only lasts a day and can be cured by a nap.

This time it's lasted much longer,
which worries me.

So, I've decided to do some damage control.

• I've deleted my facebook because it clouds my mind and consumes way too much of my time.  Plus, it's getting boring.



• I've decided to go on a 40 days and 40 nights fast from alcohol. 
  Alcohol is a depressor, not a boost.
    
• Also, I'm really encouraging myself to pray nightly.  I used to be really great at this, but it hasn't happened for a while.  Prayer helps me remember what is important, and encourages me to remember what I'm thankful for.  

So, there you have it.
My game plan to beat this funk.

Wish me luck,
I'll keep you posted.

P.S.  Welcome, friends from facebook.  This is blog land.  
Much more enjoyable than FB.

Big FAT Drama Queen. Emphasis on the FAT.

How is this for a drama queen:
I called my friend 20 minutes before she was coming to pick me up and told her I couldn't go to Brad Paisley anymore, because I was fat and my hair was ugly.

So, now someone else took my ticket
and I'm home blogging while eating potato chips.

Can you imagine what life will be like
if/when I become pregnant?

The New Do.

Check me out.
Little blog makeover.

'cept I cheated, kinda, and used an old header.

I just don't have any good new pictures.
So zip your lips.

20ish Months Later.

Travel back in time,
to the yester-years.

Josh and I broke up in April, 2009.  I spent a good chunk of time being oober sad and did a lot of crying.  I remember having to fall asleep to my iPod while watching "The Holiday", because that was the only movie that made me feel okay about breaking up.  I remember texting him on nights that were too hard.  I remember him driving over to see me, when I couldn't sleep.  I remember trying to make things work and breaking up, again and again and again.  

May 2010 rolls around, we go to Mexico together, just he and I.  Since then, I haven't talked to him. I still have days where I miss him like crazy.  My heart still hurts and I still have a difficult time dating.  But, it's obvious things wouldn't have worked out and, slowly, I'm realizing this.  

May 2009 I wrote this in my diary: 
"It's been almost a month since Josh and I broke up and I feel SO much happier now.  More like myself.  I can do what I want, say what I want, go where I want, be who I want and I love it.  I miss having him around, because he is such a great guy, but I don't miss fighting and the worry that came along with our relationship.  I feel really great about where my life is headed and I'm excited for the next chapter."

The end of May 2009 I enrolled in a CNA course.  I decided on a major and I was sticking to it.  I was loving what I was learning, I was excited about nursing.  It made sense and it made my heart happy.  Helping people is what I was good at, and what I wanted.  Why haven't I thought of this before? 

Summer 2009 I went to Bear Lake with some friends where I met Sean.   Sean made me giddy and he was refreshing.  He had all the qualities I was looking for in a guy.  He was smart, successful, strong, sweet.  He opened my door, he paid for my meals, he held me during the night.  He called me just because, he sent me flowers.  My parents loved him, my friends loved him.  I loved him.   But, I was afraid and I got scared and I pushed him away.  We dated for 4 months, then I ended things.  He wanted something I couldn't give him.  He was ready to settle down, start a family, live together.  I was fresh out of relationship, going to school, hoping to become a Nurse.   Our lives didn't match up, and I wasn't ready. 

We broke up September 2009 and I was single, again.  I hadn't been truly single since I was 17.  My longest "single" span was 3 months.  I needed to be single.  I needed to breathe, to be me, to figure out my life.  I needed some fresh air, some Callie time.  So, I vowed to myself  no more relationships. 

This time 2009, I was working at an assisted living.  I was spending a lot of time with my co-workers and I was going to school, studying Physiology.  I was hopeful about Nursing, but also very discouraged.  I had a low GPA, several classes ahead of me, and a chip on my shoulder.  I was learning who I was, what I wanted, where my life was headed. 

Fast forward 20ish months:
I'm working at my dream job.   I plan to be here the rest of my career.  I've set up my 401k in hopes of never leaving this company.   I have my CNA license and have been accepted into the nursing program.  I'm well on my way to accomplishing all my dreams. I am proud of myself.  Proud of the things I've accomplished.  Proud of where my life is headed.   

I can't believe all that's happened.
I can't believe all I've accomplished.
I can't believe how well things have worked out.

Constantly I wonder what would happen if. 
If I stayed with Josh, would we be married? Would I be happy? If I stayed with Sean, would I live in Bear Lake? Would I be the one pregnant instead of Chloe? If I wasn't single, would I still be accepted into the Nursing program? Would my grades be as great as they are now?  If I hadn't met with a career counselor, would I have picked Nursing as my major? Would I be successful?

It's amazing how things happen, how they work themselves out.

Sometimes, things seem crazy. 
Sometimes I feel like I will never get where I want to be.

But now, I'm there.    I've made it. 
I'm well on my way to accomplishing everything I've wanted.

I'm a Nursing student.
I couldn't be more happy.
And that, is success.

Making Plans.

I have this blog in mind, that replays over and over and over in my head.   And will continue to play over and over and over in my head, until I actually blog it.  

It's basically this post about the change my life has been in the past year and a half, and as soon as I find the mojo to blog again, it's going to be a doozy.

Don't miss it.

Until then,
I'll continue to be lame.

How Upsetting.

Ohhh, blog land.

Miss you.

...and lost a follower today.

What a sad, sad, sad day.

Love, Lust and Disgust.

"Some women choose to follow men, and other choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore."

- Lady Gaga

Remember this, Callie.

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times.  If only one remembers to turn on the light." 
---Quoted by Just Add Kaleena,
who quoted Albus Dumbledore.

Naaaaaa SAVENIA!

Lion King. 

AMAZING.

Ohhhh, man.

SO amazing.

Thanks for taking me, Granny Goose.
You are an excellent date.

Sister Wives.

Sister Wives on TLC.   
Uhhhh, I must DVR this.  EVERY. SINGLE. EPISODE.  

Eeeek.

Thank you, Mindi, for introducing me.  

Sleepy Callie.

It's weird to me how my body feels after I've slept, and how it knows how to re-charge and re-group.   It's also weird to me when I haven't slept, and I feel run down and feel like I want to lay my head down on any flat surface near by.

P.S. This isn't a physiological topic.
This is just me rambling at 0745 after I've had 2 hours of sleep.

Word Lust.

Estelle,
Why can I not find you on facebook?

Decorating 101.

I need your help.

How do I get my bed to look like this?

Big. Fluffy. Pretty. 

Heavenly.

Is there a place to buy everything all at once, without having to find pillows that match the comforter?  Can I just buy the entire set somewhere?

Help me.

Case of the Stress Monster.

Feeling stressed?
Do this.

Unless you're my sister, who likes to do things like kick boxing and running to de-stress.   This would definitely not be helpful for her.

Alone, but not Lonely.

Maybe I'm a loser.

Maybe I'm closed off.

Maybe I don't let people into my heart.

But, this is why.

This is why I love to be alone.

It's therapeutic to me.

It's freeing.

No one accepts me like I do.

I like to be alone.

...and I think that's okay.

Thanks for sharing this, T. 

Goals for Me.

Today I'm all about setting goals.

Goal #1.  Remove "I can't" from my vocabulary.
Goal #2.  Count my calories/watch what I eat.
Goal #3.  Blog weekly, at the very least.
Goal #4.  Study pathophysiology for 3 hours a day, at least.

...and, this one is for shits and giggles,
Goal #5. Do something that pushes me outside my comfort zone once a month.  And then blog about it.  

Feeling slightly motivated.

Is it catching on?

Hair.

I haven't cut my hair since May.

4 months.

That's a big deal.

Some sort of record, for me.

But, I'm getting bored of this hair do.

Any suggestions, that won't take too much length off?

Horoscopes and Being Smart.

Today I was reviewing for school and stuff, like normal. 

I was being quizzed by a classmate, asking me stuff about PH. 

Answers were just rolling off my tongue, and they made sense.

I had no idea I knew/remembered this stuff. 

Things just came out.

As I left the library I remember thinking that I don't give myself enough credit, and maybe I really am smarter than I think I am.    ...in a non-conceited way. 

Welp, about an hour ago I read this on my horoscope:

"You find the wisdom comes out of the blue.  You have a connection with a deep source of information that is beyond your conscious awareness."  

Yes.  Absolutely, Mr. Astrology. 

Creepy, kinda.  Right?

Cath.

Catheters are definitely not the easiest thing to put in.

That's all.

Scrubbing It.

Riddle me this: 

My friend is in town from California.  I called her Friday night, once I got off work.  She was at the bar and told me to come down.   So, I went.   In my scrubs.    I was a little nervous about it, thought people were going to judge me/look down upon me next to the all-done-up-pretty girls. 

Welp, I got more free drinks and numbers that night then I have ever before.   

Uhhh, why do I get ready
if boys dig the plain-jane look?

For Callie.

On the agenda for tomorrow:

Call financial aid office, to get my money.
Send in my Education Assistance paper work, to get my money.Figure out some sort of new header with new pictures.
Maybe print the past 4 years of pictures. 
See Step Up 3D.
...and then go to work, sometime.

Rainy Days.

My most favorite thing in the whole wide world is:  laying in bed and listening to the rain.   I bet I could do it for 18 hours straight, and not even get tired of it.

Ever.

But, sometimes you have to get out bed and take a shower because sometimes you get hot and sweaty and stinky and need to shower before you go to work at the hospital with 4 patients and don't want to stink.

Confession.

I miss So You Think You Can Dance.
Can't this show be an "all the time" kind of thing, like Judge Joe Brown?

...which, by the way, I love.

Shopping.

My least favorite thing about buying new clothes: being in the dressing room and having to put back on the clothes I wore into the store.  

No matter how cute I felt when I left the house, no matter how much primping I did, I absolutely hate my original "old" outfit after I have tried on something new and fresh from the store.  

Just me?

Patient.

I have every intention of blogging about the new job at Mckay.
I just haven't found the energy for it, yet.
...or decided how I feel about the new position.

Until then, be patient.

P.S. Is that the right kind of patient?  Like, a patient in the hospital?  Weird.

Sleeping Troubles.

I haven't been able to sleep lately, and I've been fighting a cold/strep for a good two weeks or so.   Mom thinks it's stress.

Me:  Stress?  I'm not stressed.  I feel great.
Mom:  You're not stressed?  You just started a new job, school starts in two weeks and you just found out you got into the Nursing Program.  That's stress.

Well crap.   Now I feel stressed, and definitely can't sleep. 

Perfect.

Failure.

I tried to write a blog just now.

Deleted the entire thing.

I've got no mo-jo.

...and nothing cool or witty to say.

I'm a blog fail right now.

Inception and Being Cool.

Well, I went to see an "Inception" and I am still not sure what the heck I just saw.  The movie was a) way over my head and b) way too loud.   I had my ears plugged through half the show because the guns and the explosions were giving me a headache.   I couldn't follow the plot, one minute they are in a hotel walking on walls and the next minute they are on top of a snowy mountain shooting at each other.   Dreams on top of dreams on top of dreams, and I couldn't keep up.  

Not my favorite.

Maybe I need to see it again, maybe I need to take notes during, maybe I need to wear ear plugs and maybe I need to not be such a pessimist.  

P.S.  I've never ever been into the things that are "super cool" at the time.  Never seen Harry Potter, never read the books, never seen Lord of the Rings or the Matrix, still haven't seen the Twilight movies--although I did read the books and didn't like them.   I'm just not into the "popular" thing.   Eh.

No Title.

Is it time for school to start, yet?
I'm getting awfully bored of staying up until 2am and sleeping until noon.

I need some variety in my life.

That's all.

Baby Bellies.

I'm currently bidding on a phone on Ebay for the next 45 minutes.  Therefore, I have to be on the computer at all times and I've ran out of things to look at/research/stalk.   I decided to look at maternity pictures because I love baby bellies, and I found this gem.

Please, oh heaven, let me look and feel this sexy when I'm a tub of lard.  

Beauty Pressure.

Do you feel like this, sometimes?  Because I sure do.

Inspired by Word To Your Mother.

Heat Stroker.

This weekend I piled some friends and me in my lil' Cobalt and drove to St. George for a softball tournament.  Games started at 10pm and lasted until 10am.   Balls.   I didn't sleep all night, ate a hamburger at 4am, played Egyptian Rat Screw and Texas "fold" 'em until wee hours in the morning.   My legs kind of feel like they are going to fall off and I got a gnarly fever on the way home.

Laughed a lot.
Played a lot.
Slept a little.
Had a blast.

Glad to be home, though, because my body is hating life and in need of some serious recovery.

The Walk of Fame.

[Nothing exciting happens, this is just for my journal purposes]

Thanks to our lovely home security system,

we captured the day I got my nursing letter.

Walking out to my mailbox, with my fingers crossed.

Don't Forget.

I don't ever want to forget this feeling that I had today.
Never.

Today was the day I got into the nursing program.

The day that all my dreams came true.

Everything I worked so hard for, has finally come to reality.

All the studying, all the tests, all the tears, all the anxiety.
Totally worth it.

I remember dreaming of this day.
...thinking that someday I would be accepted.

And it's finally here and I can't believe it.
Can not believe it.

My friend text me around 2pm, she said she had gotten her letter and been accepted as an alternate.   "Shit," I thought to myself, "that means my letter comes today."   I came home and walked to the mailbox, trying my best not to get my hopes up. 

As I walked into the kitchen, I started opening my letter.  I didn't tell my mom, in case I had bad news.  As I read "We are pleased to inform you..."  I screamed and kept reading.  The more I read, the more I cried.  

I screamed, again, and told my mom. 

I was shaking and I sat on the couch.  Crying. Laughing. Reading.

I must've read the letter 8 times.

"Is it real, Mom?  It says I'm in, right?  Does it say I've actually been accepted or just an alternate?  Is it real?" 

Couldn't believe it.
Still can't believe it.

Such an amazing feeling, knowing that I'm accomplishing my dreams.  I've made it so far and the journey has only just began.  I'm beyond proud of myself.   I'm incredibly grateful.  I'm incredibly happy.  And, again, incredibly grateful.  

Ugh.

Please, pinch me.